Using Distance–The Flight Risk Husband
When anxiety is high in a relationship, people use distance, conflict, over/under functioning, or a triangle (bringing in a third person). We are predictable. What couple or pair of siblings or parent-child duo isn’t exhausted going around and around in familiar and worthless patterns?
Most of us want to do better. We are worn out. But we are stuck, convinced we cannot change or shouldn’t have to. We are wrongly convinced that we cannot improve the situation until the other person changes.
Our predictable and tiring interactions happen when our emotions are in charge. Emotions are not the enemy. Emotions give life depth, mystery, and love, and joy.
But having emotions is not the same thing as allowing emotions to make important decisions in our lives. Let’s take a look at a couple in which the husband used distance when anxiety perked up in interactions with his wife.
His habit was to head for the front hall, grab his car keys, stomp out the front door, climb in his car, start the engine, drive away, then roam the streets fuming until dawn.
***If you’re thinking the husband is responsible for the problem, you’re forgetting the basics of family systems.***(next ‘relationship short’)
After the husband’s exit both would spend the evening rehearsing the other’s ‘list of crimes,’ an anxiety-triggered, painful routine also used with friends, family, co-workers—and therapists. The next day both would act as if nothing had happened. Both could see that if the pattern continued the marriage could end up so damaged that one or both would conclude that he/or she had chosen the wrong person.
But how can we change when our reactions seem automatic?
We can change because our reactions are not automatic. Each behavior represents a choice. We may have exercised our ‘distance’ muscle for so long and so regularly that we feel helpless and those around us, see us as hopeless. Change is hard. Waste no time or energy on criticism of yourself of others.
In this case, each partner learned to redirect energy from what the other was doing to ‘cause’ his or her reactive response and focus instead on managing his or her personal calm.
To do this, each focused on having an anxiety thermometer inside his or her chest. The goal for each (not the couple) was to maintain his or her thermometer at 72 degrees—regardless of what the other person said or the ‘tone’ of the other. This meant not focusing so very closely on what the other was saying in search of a point of disagreement.
The next time interaction ratcheted up, Mr. White sat in his car in the driveway for an hour before returning to the discussion. The next time he stood just inside the door holding his keys. Ms. White, appreciative of his efforts and focused on her thermometer, welcomed discussion.
