Practical Psychology: What Works and What’s Nuts
. . . For any change effort to make a difference in a relationship or experience, we must switch attention away from what other people are thinking and doing and direct attention toward thinking about and better understanding our own emotions and behavior.
While this process sounds simple, it’s not. We humans are anxious and defensive creatures. Thus, most of us assume that to improve our experience another person or group must change. Talk about hopeless.
**Along with giving away our power by focusing on other people and events, we give up even more power because we do not recognize that we are making up the people and events as we go along. “Perception is a Creative Process.” (To stick to my 500 word plan, “Perception is a Creative Process” in another entry.) **
Most people go through life without considering our tendency to other-focus to be a problem. Other-focus ‘feels’ automatic and natural.
Some examples to think about:
Wife to husband: “I can’t believe you said that. You have ruined my whole day.”
Husband response: “That’s right. Start off the morning criticizing me. No wonder I’m not getting further in my career with you dragging me down.”
Husband to wife: “I’d get home earlier from work and help with the kids if you’d put together a decent meal.”
Wife: “I’d put together a decent meal if you’d compliment me like you used to.” (By the way, solid research–compliments don’t help relationships, so let it go.)
Co-worker: “I hit the wrong radio station on my way into work and now I’m so mad I won’t be able to concentrate for hours.”
Friend: “They say life is a gift and I guess I could be happy if . . .”
Boss: “I went into this line of work because I loved the field. Working with you guys has ruined my enjoyment so badly, I’m changing careers.”
My father-in-law (whom I loved dearly and was the sweetest man) said often: “I would have gone to regular college, but my father believed men should go to business school.”
This doesn’t mean other people’s actions don’t affect us. Who are we kidding? Of course, they do. A lot.
I’ve tried to solve this problem by explaining to my husband, family, and friends–what upsets me and what doesn’t, hoping for some cooperation. But, no. They go right on being themselves.
Since we can’t change them, we’re left to redirect attention to our own emotions and behavior. We’ll start by examining how ‘perception’ affects our emotions and behavior. Graduate school required a semester long course in perception which seemed ridiculous. I was wrong.
