Practical Psychology: What Works and What’s Nuts
…I have fired only one client. Mrs. X.
Mrs. X, a fifty-one-year-old divorcee, came to see me because she’d heard that I work from a theory of family systems and she had a family problem. Or, at least her daughter and her husband had problems.
Her goal was to sufficiently repair her relationship with her daughter to be allowed to see her four-year-old granddaughter. It wasn’t going to be easy. Her daughter, who was pregnant, and her son-in-law lived in Great Falls, Montana, and were barely getting by on his military salary. Mother and daughter had not spoken in seven years. When I asked what led to the cut-off, Mrs. X shared a list of her daughter’s outrageous behavior including her decision to marry a man Mrs. X considered beneath the family standard.
Okay, we could start there. After reassurance on Mrs. X’s limited goal–I wasn’t confident I could do much more–we made a plan. Since her daughter would not respond to calls, Mrs. X would start with letters. She’d study the article on family systems, write to her daughter expressing her desire to reset the relationship, and bring in the letter for a bit of supervision. 
The idea was to alert Mrs. X to phrases that were likely to open the door and phrases that were likely to keep the cut-off in place. While Mrs. X at first objected to removal of the critical messages in her letter, the simple theory made some sense and I asked that no changes be made that did not make absolute sense to her. She sent her first letter. People are predictable. We’re nice to people who are nice to us .
The first letter went with out a response. The next session was a tough sell. Mrs. X took the lack of response as proof of her daughter’s meanness and evidence that any effort to see her granddaughter was hopeless. Clearly, according to Mrs. X her daughter was being controlled by her evil husband. Most of our time together, in spite of my best efforts to go positive, snagged on tales of her daughter’s bad behavior.
But, like Winston Churchill, I don’t give up in spite of bombs all around. Mrs. X agreed to give her daughter another shot. I suggested that she might be able to collect some feedback by reading her letter aloud to a friend and see if and when the friend felt defensive. That suggestion was shot down because Mrs. X testified that “everyone I know is a fool.”
A second painfully worked out letter was sent. A day later the daughter left a neutral-to-slightly-positive message acknowledging the letter. I was thrilled. Mrs. X was faintly optimistic. Letter three was sent and the daughter texted a positive message.
With that news I did an interior happy dance while Mrs. X worked on her plan for the next communication. Psychologists are supposed to be more neutral than that. And when we aren’t, we’re not supposed to tell the world.
But this project was going great and I was loving the ride. Which is what made the last session with Mrs. X so devastating.
Mrs. X stormed in and plunked down. Clearly furious with her daughter, with me, and I guess the world.
Mrs. X: “Well, I hope you’re happy at the misery you’ve caused me. You are not going to believe what my daughter did!”
Me: “Uh, uh . . .”
Mrs. X: “Well, I’ll tell you what she did. You need to know because you are supposed to know more about people and you don’t know anything.”
Me: “Okay . . .”
Mrs. X: “So, last Friday I was at my desk at work. Less than an hour before I’d be off when the call came in. You won’t believe–you won’t. She and that worthless husband of hers were at that very moment driving through Dallas on their way here.”
Mrs. X’s expression tells me the situation isn’t what it seems to me because I’m doing interior cartwheels.
Me: “Wow. From Great Falls, Montana, that’s quite a drive.”
Mrs. X: “Harump. They’re young, the drive is nothing for them. They could have made it a long time ago instead of pulling this trick. They didn’t get away with it though.”
Me: “Trick?” I”m lost.
Mrs. X: “Of course. She thought she had me. She wanted to just barge into my house and see how I was keeping it up. She thinks her stupid donkey of a father should have kept the house in the divorce, so she studies every little thing I do in the place. Yep. She tried to pull a sneak attack so she could get on the phone and criticize me to her dad. Oh, but I out-smarted her. I told her she was not welcome if she couldn’t wait for an invitation or at least ask permission to pop into my life out of nowhere.”
Me: “Uh, you said ‘no?'”
Mrs. X: “You bet I did and I feel terrific about it.”
That was the first time I told a client that I didn’t think I could provide anything helpful. The ethics code requires a referral in such circumstances so I gave her the names of a couple of psychologists I’m not too crazy about.
See: Self-Focus and Other-Focus.
