The Myth that ‘More Attention Is Always Better’

Before going forward, you’d do well to read: What? Are You Crazy? Me host Thanksgiving? ; The Weird Sisters, Sibling Position, Part 1;  The Weird Sisters, Sibling Position, Part 2;  What Does Birth Order Have to Do with Relationships Now? The Test;   What Does Birth Order Have to do with Relationships Now:? The Answers; 

Sibling position, Emotions,  and the Myth that More Attention Is Always Better.

It’s natural that baby books are thinner with each birth. I mean, really. The eldest is born on a podium.

But there’s a trade-off here. According to the photo albums, children born later in the sequence have fewer irresistible photo moments, but we also ‘get away with more.’  By the time parents have been through the process a time or two, they have more confidence that children have an instinct to survive.

And they weren’t all not that impressed the first time we later kids reached for a utensil.

While you hear a lot of talk to the contrary, less attention is not automatically a bad thing. Later born children are often less critical to the functioning of the family. You the closeness and distance in your parent’s marriage wasn’t rattled the same way it was with the first birth. Yes, if you’re the fourth kid, it’s less likely that your parents will entertain the idea that you will be the next president, but it’s more likely they will leave you more freedom to be whoever the heck you want to be. It’s great to have your parents work the concessions at all of your events, but it’s also great when they don’t.

And what about us middle children? The ‘more attention is better’ myth would have you believe that middle children are in the worst spot. No attention for being on top and responsible and no special attention as the ‘baby.’

There are positive possibilities in the middle child role. She might, for example, develop excellent negotiation skills and become a psychologist. The middle child often learns how to run interference in the system. Unable to rely on taking charge or convincing someone else to take charge—the middle child is likely to learn how to be flexible in later relationships.

As with other positions, there are pluses and minuses to the role of middle child. And, as is true with all positions, a lot more than simply being the youngest or the oldest goes into personality formation.

For example, economics can play a role in the freedom a family has to dole out responsibility. In economically stressed families, oldest children, quite naturally, are asked to take on stronger leadership roles—caring for younger children while parents are working and often contributing to the family income. The illness or early death of a parent after the older children have left home, could stimulate a take charge attitude in a youngest child.

There is nothing inherently terrible in natural processes. In families with more functional parents (who, by the way, had more functional parents), roles are less rigid. The less functional the family system, the more any one feature—height, weight, money, language, hair-color or sibling position–will determine one’s ability to function as an adult.

Sibling Position and Relationships: For a view on how sibling position plays out in relationships see the work Walter Toman. Birth Order Tendencies. 

What’s the Take-away on Sibling Position?

In relationships and in life, he or she who has the most alternatives—has the last laugh. 

There are times when each of us needs to step up and take charge and there are times when the best choice is to have another person lead. When responsibilities in a growing family are shared more equally (which almost goes against nature) and when the parents’ goal is for each child to develop into a separate (but connected) self, children enter adulthood with more alternative ways to manage situations. More ability to function with a variety of other people. Marriages and other relationships including relationships with adult siblings are not stuck in a single mode.

Back to the season my older sister dared to suggest that my younger brother or I host the Thanksgiving celebration. My brother and I could pull together a Thanksgiving feast, I’m sure. That is, we could with the guidance of my brother’s wife–who is the oldest of three girls.