Nickel Therapy, Ask a Psychologist
**“Why Nickel Therapy” is background for this article.
The Case of “Married with Friends”
Dear Dr. DeShong:
I’ve been married over twenty years. I love my husband and ours is the most important relationship in my life. Still when I need to talk about something emotional or difficult, I find I have a better conversation with my friends. For years my husband was fine with the pattern, we both had a lot going on. But now that’s not true and he asks me why he only knows what’s going on with me when he hears me on the phone with someone else.
Both of us wish we were closer, but he’s a lousy listener and tends to take what I say personally. Instead of supporting me, he sometimes takes the side of the other person which makes me mad and I withdraw. What now?
Signed: Married with Friends
Dear Married:
This is a frequently occurring problem. In many cultures–where marriage isn’t expected to do what we expect of marriage here—the pattern you describe is typical and not seen as a problem. Men are closer to men and wives meet daily and expect relationships with women friends and relatives to be the most intimate relationships in their lives.
In our culture we expect our marriage partner to be much more, including being our best friend. One factor that adds to this expectation is that we are living longer and staying (relatively) healthier for more years. These are years after the children have left and neither spouse is driven to build a career.
The result is a lot more time together and at a time when we’re not as spry as when we first met and fell all over each other. We can still fall all over each other—but not without risking orthopedic disaster.
Where to start?
We must go back to what we heard with a light heart in our wedding service: “This relationship will be as good as you choose to make it.” Whoa. We probably didn’t hear those words.
We probably heard some vague promises that the other person would make us happy every second for the rest of our lives.
Oh well. The first sentence turns out to be the truer statement.
Of course, it’s easier to talk to friends than spouses. Why? They have no vested interest, for one. They do not live with you. They do not share expenses, deal with children and parents, or share any of the important tasks of our lives. They only hear about them.
And guess what? Our friend loves us. Our friend wants to dry our tears. Our friend feels the hurt in our heart and his or her goal is to reduce that hurt. By the way we present our dilemma, we make it very clear that we have been wronged and that the other person is impossible. Thus the friend sees that the best way to make us feel better is to agree heartily with our position. She will say she knows just how we feel. That we have been so very wronged. That it’s amazing that a person like us could ever end up with a spouse (or sibling or work mate or friend) who would treat us so badly.
A friend believes that:
Out of all the people in our family, we are the only one that makes sense.
Out of all the arguments we’ve had, we tried hard to resolve the issue and the other person did not.
That we are always thoughtful, kind, non-self-centered, kind, smart, and, most importantly, right.
That other people just don’t understand.
That other people aren’t fair to us.
That we always do the very best we can.
And this ‘validation’ does make us feel better. Unfortunately our ‘feeling better’ has been accomplished without presenting our truth to our spouse (or friend or sibling or parent). The result: greater distance. We continue padding our belief that the person we need to be talking to is impossible to talk to.
**Love and Marriage Alert: This pattern is the groundwork for affairs and serial marriages and family cut-off. After all, who wants to stay with a spouse or stay close to an anxious sibling when a stranger on a plane ‘understands us’ so much better than the person at home?
**Clinical Psychologist Alert: One of the saddest ways this way of managing anxiety can play out—is when a person works with a therapist willing to agree that the others in your life are impossible. Some therapists will respond to their own anxiety (which they haven’t learned to manage) by actually telling a person to cut-off from an important relationship. The truth is the therapist is floundering with you instead of staying in charge of themselves. If therapy makes you ‘feel better’ but does not result in more satisfying relationships with the people who will be with you for your entire life—the therapy is a failure or worse.
**Dualistic thinking Alert:Categories I did not say a person should stay in an abusive relationship. You do have to be careful though, the term ‘abuse’ has been widened to include scowls and comments that simply don’t agree with the other person. I’ll add “when is it abuse” to my list of future posts. It’s a tricky one.
**Disclaimer Alert: Not everyone’s family is easy. 
While it is theoretically possible to be happy with anyone, it’s a heck of a lot easier to be happier with some people than it is with others. When I’m suggesting working on ‘self’ within one’s own family first—I have no way to know how difficult his or her family can be. When I taught horseback riding to children with cerebral palsy, the time would come when they were ready to jump. I’d set up a little fence, act confident, and say a little prayer. Because of their safety needs, these children would be mounted on the oldest, often clunkiest horses. I’d be thinking to myself, “Whoa. I wouldn’t try to take those horses over a jump!” This is how I feel often when suggesting family work. I have an easy family. I may be asking the client to do the work in rough situations I’ve never faced.
Okay back to Married with Friends:
What I’m saying is that ‘of course’ our spouse is a lot harder to talk to than friends. We know what our friends will say. The problem comes in when the habit of not taking chances with one’s spouse, relative, or other friend becomes set in place.
Trust me here. You do not know your spouse, relative or friend as well as you think you do. In a living relationship you will be surprised over and over and over. He or she is not the rigid unmoving person in your mind. That image is your shortcut. (And maybe your justification.)
How to Improve Conversation with Important Others:
- Recognize friends are easier and that’s okay, but not a solution. People often tell me if their sibling wasn’t their sibling they would not be friends. My answer: “No kidding. What you’re saying is you’d like to hand pick your family to include only people who agree with you. Or live the same way you do. Believe what you do. . . But, that way you’d miss the opportunity to grow up.”
- Recognize that sharing your thoughts, loves, and fears, increases the depth and importance of the relationship.
- Recognize that sharing with important others means taking responsibility to work on a way to present what you have to say in as non-threatening way as you can. Yep, presenting the message in a way that can be heard is the job of the message giver.
One benefit of books and tests that show how people are different, is that these efforts have helped us see that we can’t expect other people to respond and ‘hear’ what we have to say without considering how they hear best.
- Expect the other to be defensive. Do not be surprised or jump to your usual defense. What you’re saying scares them. When you reveal an unhappiness you open a pot full of unwanted possibilities. The other is suddenly faced with: “What does this mean?” “What are you saying I’m doing wrong?” “Are you trying to change things?” “What do you want me to do?”
This is true even if the subject has to do with something that has absolutely nothing to do with the marriage, family or friendship.
Expect that the other will see the situation you are describing at least partially from the view of the person you are dissatisfied with. Why? Because your spouse or close relative or friend knows you so well, that part of them knows that the behavior you have been accused of by the ‘enemy’ sometimes fits who you are. I know. Ouch.- Remember that the most important element in gaining from a difficult conversation is to focus—not on the details of the other’s response—but on maintaining your own sense of calm.
- Remind yourself that you have great power in determining if a conversation will turn out to be satisfying. Your power is in your ability to stay calm. Mostly that’s all you need.
- Do not expect an attempt at a more intimate conversation to be a 50/50 proposition. You must be 100% responsible for your part and your skill set. Do not focus on the other, but leave them free to slosh around in emotions while figuring out what to do and say. The moment you jump to the idea that you are doing all the work or focus on how you are working harder, you are sunk. Glug. Glug.
- Count how many times the conversation can go back and forth without anyone cutting out and off.
- Make a space of twenty seconds between what is said and your response. Really.
- When the other person utters THAT phrase, you know the one. It’s that phrase where you usually quit or accuse the other of not loving you or threaten to leave. (Mine is, “You are always this way.”) When you hear your trigger phrase—do your best to picture that old trigger phrase as a familiar string of harmless poofy white clouds slowly moving across the blue sky of . . . see how even changing your focus for a moment, was calming?
- Apologize anytime you use “never”“always” “years and years” or “you are just like ___________.”
You don’t need to tell them to apologize for the same words. Remember you are 100% responsible for who you are in this discussion. Eventually, you will hear apologies and they will mean something. - Tell the person you are talking with that you are making an effort to be more honest and strong in your life by sharing with the people that are most important. (Giving the other person a list of ‘what’s wrong with him or her’ is not ‘just being honest.’) Confess that you are not very good at this and look forward to many chances to improve the relationship.
Dear Married with Friends: I hope these ideas help. A few decades of training and practice and it’s still hard work and I’m only sometimes successful.
