Christmas Gift Winners: “Bacon Bowls, DNA Kits, Duck Dynasty Keepsakes, and a Black Lexus, for you Honey!”
Dateline: My body is in Threadgill’s across from the stage where Janis Joplin left her heart, but my mind staring out at the Sea of Cortes at the beach grille and swim up (in your dreams) bar on the beach at the MysteryShrink Hilton International Branch Headquarters in Cabo. Luckily, my bod is soon to catch up with my mind.
But, before I left, I wanted to share a few gift ideas for those of you with gifts to buy.
Thus, here are this year’s gift winners.
First Place Winner: THE BACON BOWL MAKER! 
Haven’t you been halfway through a Bacon-Lettuce-Tomato sandwich and had the thought: “Gee! Wouldn’t this be a lot tastier, not to mention easy to eat, if the bacon was on the OUTSIDE of the sandwich?”
Or been chasing chunks of lettuce around in a ceramic bowl and thought, “Where’s the crunch?
Well, you’re in luck. Maybe one of your caring relatives will send you the latest cabinet space clutter known as the Bacon Bowl Maker. I can’t bring myself to tell you how it works or how perfectly suited bacon bowls are for serving eggs, salads, desserts, and let’s not forget that champagne toast on New Year’s.
But, oh, oh . . . here’s my favorite part! The Bacon Bowl comes with a FREE white circular pin that says “Bacon Bowl” that you can wear on your lapel. I can’t make up stuff this good. Really.
Second prize: The Chia Duck Dynasty Chia Collectibles. Clay heads, seeds. Just a little water and you have a reason to live. Nuff said.
Third prize: Personal DNA Kits. This gift could well change family life as we know it. Think about the possibilities. Remember when your older sibling said you were adopted? Haven’t you noticed that your sister looks more like your next door neighbor than your dad? Isn’t it time to find out exactly which less than careful male in your family still misses the bowl?
And way back in fourth place: 4. A sparkling, wildly expensive, Lexus just for you, sweetheart, tied with a big red bow and a lease with your name on it. I fail to see why I should be grateful that someone went out and tied up funds in a car lease, unless it’s from someone with whom I do not share a household budget and bank account.
Most Insulting Beverage Commercial: The Ten Calorie Dr. Pepper. Apparently, the great advertising executives in the sky concluded that young males did not buy enough of their Diet Dr. Pepper . . . because ordering a “diet” drink is a girlie thing and threatened their sense of manhood. Now, hello America, a man can puff out his chest and order a REAL man’s Dr. Pepper. 
The Most Missed Christmas commercial: Whatever happened to the Snuggies family all in their leopard print walk-around Snuggies—just perfect for attending a night time high school football game? I always got a giggle imagining the looks on the faces of the fourteen-year-old-son and sixteen-year-old daughter when they opened their “gifts” and were informed of the dress code for the big game.
I know what happened to the Snuggies. They were cut up and made into Stuffies.
I don’t know about you, but I’m kicking my way out of 2013.
