Dateline: Los Angeles Hilton International Branch Headquarters.
Alas, Day Two of Piggy Goes to Marketing, Part 5
Now I sit in my established seat in darkest far corner of the theater style classroom. The first full day of marketing guru speeches begins and I’m refreshed. Kind reader, I remain committed to the goal of learning something though every cell of my body is in revolt. At least I am committed to staying the course today because the one person I wanted ask a few questions will be at the VIP cocktail party tonight. (In case you’re wondering what it took for me to be considered a VIP…Put aside all those lofty notions involving accomplishments. An extra $100 is what makes you a VIP.)
The first speaker is a brightly dressed woman. Her first words of wisdom are these: Surveys show that most Americans do not object to product placement. Oh, hang on my friends…a giant photo of the pretty lady covers the wall behind her. Next to her is a six foot can of Diet Coke. This is her demonstration that no one minds having ads shoved down their throat. Her business sells gift bags for events. Oh, dear? You didn’t think those samples were really free…did you? No, companies pay big bucks to get their free stuff in your hands.
Remember the Hydroxatone cream (Better hurry, we’re only giving this product away for the next 24 hours!) In the Hydroxatone ad, one statement made by Miss Doesn’t-My-Voice-Just-Sound-Like-a-Baby-Giggling is “Hydroxatone is so fabulous, it was given away in gift bags at the Oscars.” (Read: We’re so serious about making money off this rewrapping of the same ole cheap petroleum product, we paid piles of money to include jars of Hydroxatone in gift bags at the Oscars!) She mentioned that none of the stars minded the blatant product placement except Clint Eastwood who sent his bag back unopened. Yeah. He made my day.
Now the chipper lady is telling everyone who wants to make millions by running sidebar ads on their sites to stand up. I feign hysterical deafness, pointing at my ears and shrugging, hopelessly.
Now she’s joined by her partner who runs the cyber side of the company. He asks if anyone in the audience knows how much money can be made by filling the sidebar of your blog with weight-loss tips linked to a major diet program? He says if I sign on to have one of those moving flabby bellies on the sidebar of my page, my life will be changed forever (flash of Porsche in Italian Alps.)
I’ll be changed all right. Because when that happens you can be sure my brains have been scooped out by the Body Snatchers from Outer Space.
Tomorrow, Gift Bag Millionaire Lady promises to walk us through how to hack into other sites so that when a customer types in say, “Bob’s Cruises to the South Pacific”, your site, “Mary’s Cruises to the Greek Isles” comes up instead. Every time. She asks everyone who thinks it would be so cool to have your site come up when someone tries to find your competitor to stand up and clap. There is much joy and whooping around me.
I’m having trouble breathing. Gift Bag Lady’s partner jumps in with more tips. “Don’t price your product by its value, the money’s in the shipping and handling. People don’t mind paying handling charges. (Like we idiots out here don’t mind an extra scene so our hero can spin through McDonald’s?) Always guarantee full money back, the guy says, minus the shipping and handling (the real cost…7.99 to handle each DVD). Pushing the return promise makes the customer (that would be you and me) think the product has quality. Even lousy products are returned in miniscule numbers because people don’t want to go through the confusion and the trouble. Always add (in tiny white type) that the item must be returned in its original packaging and no customer even tries.
My arm’s going numb again. I’m afraid. I feel like I’m in one of those nightmares where you, quite by chance, observe a bad guy kill someone. You’re at a turning point. You either join up or you become a target. I’m definitely a target. I look over my shoulder. I break for lunch.
Will I survive through the day to meet my goal of chatting with the one person here I want to know better? I’d say fifty-fifty at this point. Check in tomorrow. If the entry opens with a free gift, they won. My soul will have been sucked out and sold to the highest bidder.
