So, I felt really good about getting stuck to my husband’s anxiety on the trip into town.  (See “Women in Therapy” Part One.) For once, my THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEM stayed in charge.

A month or so later I attended a conference for psychologists and psychologists titled “Women in Therapy” at the Menninger Clinic. During a small group exercise (remember the power of the group) I related my success the afternoon of the meltdown on the way to the deposition.  After my somewhat smug review of events, I sat back in my chair waiting for accolades, maybe even an overdue Girl Scout badge.

But, that’s not what happened.  The room was thick with a gooey sympathy and something else . . . I saw it in their eyes and it wasn’t admiration.  Before anyone spoke I recognized the switch.  I’d gone from competent person to VICTIM.  As such, I suddenly had the warmth and understanding of a room full of professionals I didn’t even know. 

I was asked if I’d been verbally abused as a child . . . “Well, no . . . what I’m saying is . . .” I was asked how long I’d continue tolerating my husband’s mistreatment. . . did I know what a rage-aholic was, and had I attended a program for enablers . . . Where was my self-esteem? . . . a couple of them looked like they might lunge across the room to give me a hug.  A hug! 

But not a hug because I’d done such a great job of managing myself.  A hug because I was such a brave victim . . . that my revelation had opened the door for me to join up with all abused women everywhere.  I’m looking around me, thinking, ARE YOU ALL CRAZY? 

I tried to clear things up. “No, you don’t get it,”  I said. “He’s a much calmer, nicer person than I am…. I get stressed out and spray anxiety around much more often than he does…. I’m just talking about this one incident this one afternoon.” I tried.  But all I got were sympathetic nods from people who not only understood me better than I understood myself, but claimed they knew more about my marriage than I did after I’d known them thirty minutes. 

Sheesh.  The experience got me thinking about the dangers of therapy based on sympathy and fusion.  FUSION: the process occurring when an individual’s functioning is determined by the anxeity of another–ARGUING. TELLING THE OTHER WHAT TO DO.  Losing motivation. Depression.  Mob behavior. Road rage.  All ways of functioning that say:  I CAN’T CALM DOWN UNLESS YOU ____________.