From an article in one of the many free magazines that come to my office. (Why is it my little practice gets fifteen to twenty free mags a month and all I find in my doc’s offices are vintage Field and Stream and Parents’ Weekly?):

 ”I wish people would stop saying ‘God bless you’ when I sneeze…”  Complaintant goes on to rant about how distressed he is that when he sneezes people he doesn’t even know foul his private space and push their version of religion on him. 

What?

“Which is more important?  The world you can actually touch?  Or the world (full of rude, intrusive, mean religion-force-feeders) you are responding to?”

Now I’m pretty twitchy and quick to expect criticism.  (Especially from those ladies in lab coats at the cosmetic counters.  They see right into me and know about every night I’ve landed in bed without a thought to taking off make-up, which would be would every night).

But, demanding that all the people in the world stop trying to be kind?  Does he really think people ignoring other people is a swell way to go?  Does he really think that when a stranger takes the time out of their day to say “God bless you” their plan is to invade…  This has to be a terrible way to live  if allergies where he lives are anything like they are here.  Maybe this guy should stay in his house or wear a sign, “In case I sneeze, do not say ‘God bless you’.”  That probably won’t work though, because, what are the odds that the same people who see your INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO LIVE their lives will be the same people on the other side of the cereal aisle when that sneeze comes on?  Not too good.

I mean, I can go through the cosmetic department at warp speed with my eyes slotted straight ahead like I’m late for an appointment inside the mall.  But, you can’t time a sneeze like that.  Could happen anywhere, anytime…poof, the guy’s invaded by rude people. 

Oh well.  I’m reminded of a long ago woman who, like the rest of of us, was experiencing major pre-Christmas stress. On this particular day she lamented how she dreaded going to her mother-in-law’s for Christmas because Grandmother always went so overboard buying presents for the children.  “What kind of values are the kids learning?”  (This, save the character of the poor children argument is commonly used to justify what we want. Apparently, if we don’t stop relatives from being themselves, our children will all end up in prison.)  “She’s just ridiculous with the gifts,” she said.

“That’s it?” I asked.  “Grandma’s too generous and must be stopped?  That’s all you got?”

She smiled.

This T-Shirt caption had me thinking how each person has their own comfort zone.  How, for example, for some people horses and writing are in that comfort space and website development means stepping just beyond and being anxious like crazy. Anxiety is the body’s response to real or perceived threats. How could learning a skill be threatening? 

Learning a new skill can be threatening if you have the belief you are supposed to already know everything, or have the belief that everything should be easy for you.

Which got me to thinking, ”To what degree have I let my choices be determined by my Emotional Guidance System’s desire to avoid anxiety?” To what degree have I held others back, my Emotional Guidance System in charge and tossing out all sorts of scary things like “What if __happens. . . .But, what if__ . . .”

Oh, I probably shoud mention the picture on the T-shirt caption showed a flaming skeleton on a Harley.

Why are feelings such a problem?  Because “feelings” get hold of our energy, our drive, and, in some case, turn us into difficult people. Feelings spring from BELIEFS WE HOLD THAT ARE NOT TRUE, but seem very real and we will defend them to the death.  At least I will, no matter how many people from how many different countries have to suffer.

Belief One:  When I make a plan, that plan should unfold as I planned.

Belief Two:  When I have said I will be back on the job at a certain time on a certain day, if I do not arrive as promised, the world will never be the same.

These two beliefs form the cornerstone of my philosophy when on holiday.  Thus, on being informed by the American Airlines counter person that the London-DFW flight was delayed due to mechanical problems–I responded as anyone in my position with my beliefs would.  I gasped for breath, asked fourteen insulting questions, then sprinted down to the cafe to fill my spouse in on the HORRIBLE mess we were into. After five minutes or so of my raving, he looked up and said, “Well, there’s nothing we can do about it.   Might as well order some breakfast.”

“What?”    I assumed he couldn’t possibly have comprehended the depth and horror of what I was saying, “This is terrible. Delay in London is not in my PLAN. Who knows how long we’ll be delayed? I’m not going to get enough sleep and I’ll be worn out and I have a bunch of important appointments…you know they aren’t telling us the truth, don’t you?  American Airlines doesn’t care that I have timed my return with great effort.  American does not care about me or you at all, you do realize that?”

“Hmmm…” he says, “maybe we should go ahead and get lunch, it’s close to noon….Those sandwiches over there look pretty good.”

“Sandwiches? What are you, crazy?  How can you even THINK about food? They’re lying to me, I know they are. Don’t you care about what I’m going through? They know we’re going to be sitting here for hours just wasting our lives, but their keeping that a secret so we don’t jump airlines!”

“Oh, yeah,” he says, “I’m sure American Airlines wants to be absolute sure that you get on one of their planes today.”

“That’s not funny!” I go on to describe, in a repeating topic fashion, how what has happened is not AN INCONVENIENCE as he’s pretending. The delay is terrible, awful, I can’t stand it, and American Airlines doesn’t even care!

The point of this is how helpful anxiety-driven catastrophizing “feelings” can be. Ulcers, extra weight, nubby fingernails, arguing, insomnia, and avoidance–don’t come out of nowhere. They must be nurtured by the Unfounded Beliefs touted by the EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM.