The more you take personally, the tougher life you’re going to have. 

From an article in one of the many free magazines that come to my office. (Why is it my little practice gets fifteen to twenty free mags a month and all I find in my doc’s offices are vintage Field and Stream and Parents’ Weekly?):

 ”I wish people would stop saying ‘God bless you’ when I sneeze…”  Complaintant goes on to rant about how distressed he is that when he sneezes people he doesn’t even know foul his private space and push their version of religion on him. 

What?

“Which is more important?  The world you can actually touch?  Or the world (full of rude, intrusive, mean religion-force-feeders) you are responding to?”

Now I’m pretty twitchy and quick to expect criticism.  (Especially from those ladies in lab coats at the cosmetic counters.  They see right into me and know about every night I’ve landed in bed without a thought to taking off make-up, which would be would every night).

But, demanding that all the people in the world stop trying to be kind?  Does he really think people ignoring other people is a swell way to go?  Does he really think that when a stranger takes the time out of their day to say “God bless you” their plan is to invade…  This has to be a terrible way to live  if allergies where he lives are anything like they are here.  Maybe this guy should stay in his house or wear a sign, “In case I sneeze, do not say ‘God bless you’.”  That probably won’t work though, because, what are the odds that the same people who see your INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO LIVE their lives will be the same people on the other side of the cereal aisle when that sneeze comes on?  Not too good.

I mean, I can go through the cosmetic department at warp speed with my eyes slotted straight ahead like I’m late for an appointment inside the mall.  But, you can’t time a sneeze like that.  Could happen anywhere, anytime…poof, the guy’s invaded by rude people. 

Oh well.  I’m reminded of a long ago woman who, like the rest of of us, was experiencing major pre-Christmas stress. On this particular day she lamented how she dreaded going to her mother-in-law’s for Christmas because Grandmother always went so overboard buying presents for the children.  “What kind of values are the kids learning?”  (This, save the character of the poor children argument is commonly used to justify what we want. Apparently, if we don’t stop relatives from being themselves, our children will all end up in prison.)  “She’s just ridiculous with the gifts,” she said.

“That’s it?” I asked.  “Grandma’s too generous and must be stopped?  That’s all you got?”

She smiled.

“Everything fun is dangerous.”

This T-Shirt caption had me thinking how each person has their own comfort zone.  How, for example, for some people horses and writing are in that comfort space and website development means stepping just beyond and being anxious like crazy. Anxiety is the body’s response to real or perceived threats. How could learning a skill be threatening? 

Learning a new skill can be threatening if you have the belief you are supposed to already know everything, or have the belief that everything should be easy for you.

Which got me to thinking, ”To what degree have I let my choices be determined by my Emotional Guidance System’s desire to avoid anxiety?” To what degree have I held others back, my Emotional Guidance System in charge and tossing out all sorts of scary things like “What if __happens. . . .But, what if__ . . .”

Oh, I probably shoud mention the picture on the T-shirt caption showed a flaming skeleton on a Harley.

  Ouch.  Feelings are crap?  What about love? What about empathy? What about caring about people?  Okay, take a breath.  I’m not talking right now about those feelings.  I’m talking about fear, panic, dread, underconfidence, worry, and self-criticism.  (Sometimes “love” and “empathy” are problems, too.  Such as when we are anxious about another person’s safety, well-being, happiness, or their caring for us–we deny those emotions and attribute our anxiety to love. But, that’s for another day.) (Why I can’t accept comments and why my Twitter doesnt’ work? Also, another day.)

Why are feelings such a problem?  Because “feelings” get hold of our energy, our drive, and, in some case, turn us into difficult people. Feelings spring from BELIEFS WE HOLD THAT ARE NOT TRUE, but seem very real and we will defend them to the death.  At least I will, no matter how many people from how many different countries have to suffer.

Belief One:  When I make a plan, that plan should unfold as I planned.

Belief Two:  When I have said I will be back on the job at a certain time on a certain day, if I do not arrive as promised, the world will never be the same.

These two beliefs form the cornerstone of my philosophy when on holiday.  Thus, on being informed by the American Airlines counter person that the London-DFW flight was delayed due to mechanical problems–I responded as anyone in my position with my beliefs would.  I gasped for breath, asked fourteen insulting questions, then sprinted down to the cafe to fill my spouse in on the HORRIBLE mess we were into. After five minutes or so of my raving, he looked up and said, “Well, there’s nothing we can do about it.   Might as well order some breakfast.”

“What?”    I assumed he couldn’t possibly have comprehended the depth and horror of what I was saying, “This is terrible. Delay in London is not in my PLAN. Who knows how long we’ll be delayed? I’m not going to get enough sleep and I’ll be worn out and I have a bunch of important appointments…you know they aren’t telling us the truth, don’t you?  American Airlines doesn’t care that I have timed my return with great effort.  American does not care about me or you at all, you do realize that?”

“Hmmm…” he says, “maybe we should go ahead and get lunch, it’s close to noon….Those sandwiches over there look pretty good.”

“Sandwiches? What are you, crazy?  How can you even THINK about food? They’re lying to me, I know they are. Don’t you care about what I’m going through? They know we’re going to be sitting here for hours just wasting our lives, but their keeping that a secret so we don’t jump airlines!”

“Oh, yeah,” he says, “I’m sure American Airlines wants to be absolute sure that you get on one of their planes today.”

“That’s not funny!” I go on to describe, in a repeating topic fashion, how what has happened is not AN INCONVENIENCE as he’s pretending. The delay is terrible, awful, I can’t stand it, and American Airlines doesn’t even care!

The point of this is how helpful anxiety-driven catastrophizing “feelings” can be. Ulcers, extra weight, nubby fingernails, arguing, insomnia, and avoidance–don’t come out of nowhere. They must be nurtured by the Unfounded Beliefs touted by the EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM. 

  While we’re tacking up things-that-don’t-exist on our PSYCHOBABBLE WALL OF SHAME, we might as well step up and face the TRIPLE MYTH about LOVE. 

Perhaps, you best snap on some sunshades.  The facts about TAKING RESPONSIBILITY for the WAY WE EXPERIENCE people, ourselves, and the world, are pretty flipping glaring to face.  Isn’t a psychologist supposed to help you out with identifying who messed you up and who’s messing up your experience now?  I know.  I’m disappointed myself. 

Myth One:  If my parents had loved me enough, I wouldn’t be having a hard time with life today. 

Myth Two:  If my spouse loved me enough, I wouldn’t be having a hard time with life today.  Excerpt from the next Jessica LeFave mystery:  “Las Vegas…the city of glitz and irresistable impulses…what better place to talk about love and addiction? After all, while Vegas is selling a dangerous fantasy, so is Cinderella.”

Myth Three:  If YOU (my therapist,   my friend, my sister, my brother, my boss, my teacher, my whomever) loved me enough, I wouldn’t be having a hard time with life today.

Tomorrow:  Self-Confidences, Part 2, Why praise can be the most dangerous thing that can happen to you.

  So, I felt really good about getting stuck to my husband’s anxiety on the trip into town.  (See “Women in Therapy” Part One.) For once, my THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEM stayed in charge.

A month or so later I attended a conference for psychologists and psychologists titled “Women in Therapy” at the Menninger Clinic. During a small group exercise (remember the power of the group) I related my success the afternoon of the meltdown on the way to the deposition.  After my somewhat smug review of events, I sat back in my chair waiting for accolades, maybe even an overdue Girl Scout badge.

But, that’s not what happened.  The room was thick with a gooey sympathy and something else . . . I saw it in their eyes and it wasn’t admiration.  Before anyone spoke I recognized the switch.  I’d gone from competent person to VICTIM.  As such, I suddenly had the warmth and understanding of a room full of professionals I didn’t even know. 

I was asked if I’d been verbally abused as a child . . . “Well, no . . . what I’m saying is . . .” I was asked how long I’d continue tolerating my husband’s mistreatment. . . did I know what a rage-aholic was, and had I attended a program for enablers . . . Where was my self-esteem? . . . a couple of them looked like they might lunge across the room to give me a hug.  A hug! 

But not a hug because I’d done such a great job of managing myself.  A hug because I was such a brave victim . . . that my revelation had opened the door for me to join up with all abused women everywhere.  I’m looking around me, thinking, ARE YOU ALL CRAZY? 

I tried to clear things up. “No, you don’t get it,”  I said. “He’s a much calmer, nicer person than I am…. I get stressed out and spray anxiety around much more often than he does…. I’m just talking about this one incident this one afternoon.” I tried.  But all I got were sympathetic nods from people who not only understood me better than I understood myself, but claimed they knew more about my marriage than I did after I’d known them thirty minutes. 

Sheesh.  The experience got me thinking about the dangers of therapy based on sympathy and fusion.  FUSION: the process occurring when an individual’s functioning is determined by the anxeity of another–ARGUING. TELLING THE OTHER WHAT TO DO.  Losing motivation. Depression.  Mob behavior. Road rage.  All ways of functioning that say:  I CAN’T CALM DOWN UNLESS YOU ____________.

  Reactivity. That’s what we’re talking about.  Learning to manage our reactivity a little bit better. (See Wildebeest post)

Reactivity to other people and the world–not as it is–as we are AFRAID  other people and the world might be.  This is particularly easy to see with the SENSITIVITY to CRITICISM.  And I know I’m not alone in this. I watch way too many shows on men and women in prison.  Prisons are petri dishes of bubbling sensitivity to criticism.

While we’re not in prison, our homes and workplaces are where we dip into the BUBBLING, SEETHING, WRETCHED, EVER-WAITING POOL OF OVERSENSITIVITY MISERY.  We are in prisons of our own making when we react to criticism.   I like the prison example because when we give up power over our own sense of well-being we give up self-possession of our lives as inmates give up physical freedom.

 Yoda Note: “The more things you take personally, the less happy life you will have.”  

Lighter Moment:  Two old guy Austin musicians chatting on stage.  One asks the other about an event they’d both played some years ago.  The other singer knitted his forehead and explained, “I can’t tell you what happened that night.  You see, I’m at the age where I can hide my own Easter Eggs.”

  Those of us following Nancy Grace and the Tot Mom who probably (used loosely) murdered her then two-year-old daughter have heard the jailhouse tapes and endless interviews with anyone who happens through the Tot Mom’s Florida neighborhood.  Most remarkable has been the absolute ease with which Tot Mom tells one lie after another trying to explain herself.  Lies that are easily proved wrong. 

The following is paraphrased.  I’ve admitted I watch the show.  But I deny memorizing it.

One of the interviewers asked an interviewee, “Why does she keep right on with the same self-destructive  behavior after she can see that it isn’t working?”

The interviewee responded, “Because Casey Anthony only thinks ten minutes at a time.  Just let me get myself out of this mess  and I’ll worry about the rest later.” 

I’ve been thinking about a simple way to introduce the THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEM.  The quickest description is that the TGS is that part of our brain able to consider WHAT HAPPENS AFTER 10 MINUTES after we choose an action.  I know, I don’t like it either, but just doing whatever we have to do to get rid of immediate anxiety, doesn’t work out so well. 

10 Minute Fixes:  TOO MUCH of something that’s okay in moderation–shopping, saving money, alcohol, internet surfing,  food, dog scratching, sex, computer games [Solitaire should come with a warning: Kiss your life good-bye, this game is familystyle crack.], studying, partying, gardening, journaling, talking to strangers, talking, isolation, etc.

No guilt remember.  Guilt is one of those 10 minute fixes.

 Okay.    We’ve had lots of examples of the EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM messing life up for us.  So where does the THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEM come in?

And what does it have to do with fettucine?    Everything!!!

The THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEM is:

   The part of our brain which can TOLERATE ANXIETY.

   The part of our brain which can GATHER and USE FACTS in decisions.

The part of our brain which can SLOW DOWN and consider, WHEN I TOOK THIS CERTAIN ACTION BEFORE, HOW DID THINGS WORK OUT?

The Fetteccinne Incident, a move made thousands of times a day.  I’m working at a hotel and it’s four in the afternoon.  I haven’t had lunch, so I grab coffee.  This routine (thoughtlessly) is repeated until nine-thirty.  I’m at the bar having a cool glass of wine before calling it a night.  Boy am I starving!  I order fettuccine alfredo to take up to my room.  After all, I haven’t had a meal all day.  The fettuccine was terrific. 

OPTIMISM SIGHTING: That little readout at the bottom of a television ad that suggests you look up their advertisement in some random magazine.

But the heartburn at midnight was awful.  At two, I got up and stumbled down the hall for a Coke hoping that would help.  I didn’t get much sleep at all.  NOTE: I’m not suggesting that “not eating” is good and holy and “eating fettucine or any other lovely food is bad.” Just as many people “don’t eat” under rule of the non-fact-based EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM as people who “eat” on decisions made by the same system.

The point is, the EMOTIONAL SYSTEM doesn’t pay attention to the FACTS.  The EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM ignores past experiences.  You can bet that wasn’t my first lonely midnight heartburn.

The Movie Revolt Incident:  It was Friday afternoon after Thanksgiving.  After lunch, a group of six laws and in-laws in my husband’s family decided to go to a popular horror movie.    On the way, one sister-in-law announced she’d drop off the rest of us and come back to pick us up, as she did not want to see this particular movie.  That’s when things began falling apart.  I opted to skip the movie as well.  A third expressed doubts and the pro-movie people started suggesting other movies.

Yikes.  We stopped to buy a paper and look for another movie, though we three rebels were okay without one.  The start time for the horror movie past, one brother-in-law threw up his hands and criticized his wife for not listening to him when he said they should bring the paper with them from home.  I started apologizing for some random thing (and thinking how these family “togetherness” holidays were overrated).  The original “rebel” launched in on a story from childhood when she didn’t sleep for days after a horror movie.      Her husband added that she was “always like this with his family, but anything goes when they are with her family.”

All because one person attempted a INDIVIDUALITY move.

Thinking in terms of natural systems, each of us operates with a TOGETHERNESS force and a INDIVIDUALITY force. 

What?      Think of it like this when you are anxious and find relief calling a friend, your togetherness force was in affect.  If you feel calmer at Thanksgiving when you escape to the back den and the football game, your individuality force is in action. 

Forget the complexity.  In the next several days we will look at ways to manage anxiety when our force for individuality is overwhelmed by the presence of others, each of whom INSISTS ON BEING THEMSELVES instead of only being in ways to MAKE US COMFORTABLE.

Whew.  I’m tired just thinking about it. 

    The myth of sibling rivalry–the blanket acceptance that the main preoccupation of children is is garnering attention from their parents–doesn’t even make sense.  

Yet it’s one of the simplistic and convenient drawers we use to account for behavior and sometimes to excuse immature relationships into adulthood and throughout our lives.

Now, everyone wants their way, thus sibs fight like other species, and husbands and wives–to get their ways. Nothing wrong with this.  It’s the institutionalized idea and explainations and rationalizations where we get into trouble.    The problem comes in when  WE BELIEVE AND THEREFORE “CREATE A CORRESPONDING WORLD.”

Our freedom to become is reduced when WE RESPOND TO MEMBERS OF OUR FAMILY AS WHO WE THINK THEY ARE, INSTEAD OF WHO THEY ARE. 

  There was a time when I was ready to jump the psychology ship.  I’d decided that psychology was about fads and making up stories to fit theories.  Then I studied a way of accounting for human behavior which wasn’t consumed with the battle to prove “what is really going” on in a person’s head.

At that point I became a STRATEGEST.  “Let’s look at what’s going on . . . and your part in it . . . and consider ways YOU CAN MAKE your life better.”

Instead of spinning in circles trying to come up with answers to the question “WHY?” efforts are focused on making changes that work.  Hard, yes.  Slow, yes.

People are not that complex–as much as we like to think we are– and we know what works and doesn’t work.

We know which behaviors attract humans. 

  We know which behaviors repel humans.

So why is change so hard?

Anxiety and habit. 

Upcoming.  What works:  Learning to say what you are thinking.  Having your actions based on your BEST THINKING and NOT ON EMOTIONAL PRESSURE from others or from within yourself–your own fears and anxieties.

   I was nearly broad-sided (and rude) at the stop sign because I was hurrying home.  Because, out of my anxiety, I hadn’t been clear (and kind) with my husband about when I’d be home from the stable.  Details later.

   The time has come to rate commercials for the public good.  No, I’m not worked up that second graders talk casually about ED: “What? A four hour WHAT?    I’m going to stay a kid!”

I think consumers deserve a warning.  What I’m talking about is the current trend of showing giant, ugly, squirmy bacteria on all sorts of surfaces.    Sheesh.  I can’t hit the clicker fast enough.  Tell me these are giving kids nightmares.

At least we’re past flu season so we can stop hearing about (and seeing–life size) “mucous.”  Did you even talk about mucous before last winter’s barrage?

I want a heads-up.  “Warning:  the following commercial contains disgusting images that may offend normal people.   . . . particularly, those eating.”

Of course, I do notice that the ads on my favorite shows go for a certain under-employed, under-educated, and under-socialized demographic.  So, maybe it’s not for me to say. 

    The Horse In the Cattle Guard Incident

    Summers during college I taught riding at a day camp.  One morning I arrived driving a Volkswagen busload of kids to see Blackjack, a horse I’d bought at auction the day before, stood screaming, one of his legs jammed down in the cattle guard. 

Note:  Examples may be used more than once.  I cannot keep up with what I’ve used in a current clinical session or reported here.     Uncle.  Defeat.  Can’t do it.   

     Okay.  Back to Blackjack, the big, old, raw-boned, hundred dollar horse that was perfect for carrying beginners for a few weeks.  Unfamiliar with the cattle guard, he’d stepped through the bars and was ramming his bloody hoof upward, over and over, in an attempt to escape his problem.  He was clearly in terrible pain and desperate to improve his circumstances.

    So why didn’t he do what would work instead of doing the SAME THING, which clearly did not only NOT WORK, but was causing more and more DAMAGE? 

    If Blackjack could have called on his THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEM, he would have have thought . . .  “Hmm . . . if I got my hoof down between these bars . . . if it fit going down . . . then, if I slow down, study my situation, and THINK . . . I can get my hoof back up through the bars. 

    But Blackjack didn’t have access to his THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEM.  Later that morning he was put down.

    Now, we’re not ”putting anyone down” here, but how often do we do to ourselves what Blackjack did to his leg?

    When we worry about events we can’t control?  When we can’t stop bickering?  When we drive too fast?  When we hold a grudge?  When we refuse to apologize?  When we can’t stop apologizing?  When we get into someone else’s business?  When we complain and complain    even though we know we’re bringing other people down and turning them off?  When we say negative things about someone else?  When we say negative things about ourselves? 

     When we can’t say clearly what we will do and won’t do?  When we can stop criticising? 

     We are pulling a Blackjack.  We are being a Blackjack.   

    More tomorrow on being more in charge of your reactions. 

  Oh, if only Dr. Perfect can guilt and browbeat women until they see that being a person is not only against the will of God, but shameful and deserving of Dr. P’s wrath.  

       That idea still has fans.  El Dorado, TX raid:    

American Girls.  Tonight I’m attending a showing of the film “American Girls.”   Here are a few words from the synopsis:

“Sisters Bianca and Lorena were just ten years old when they made the dangerous trip across the US-Mexican border.  They settled in Oregon with their mother so they could have everything she did not: a life beyond marriage, better education, more career choices.”     

Now, there’s a way to resolve the immigration issue.  According to Dr. P., the lives these girls risked their lived to leave behind, are just the ticket to be a star American woman.  The roles they left are still available, ladies.  The job requirements are all any woman should achieve– a uterus and a willingness to pretend that mopping floors and finding the best peanut butter is fulfilling.  Fifty cents to cross the bridge in Laredo,   and you’re in.

Hurry, there are only a few million openings.   

Tomorrow:  Back to “What do you think you think?” and the French who learns what love is.

  Okay, we’ve sucked it up and are ready to take on real change with the ONLY PERSON WE CAN CHANGE. 

**Those still hanging on to the hope that you’re going to fix your insides by training other people  to treat you the way you must be treated in order to stay calm, know two things.  You won’t be very happy for very long.     And other people will distance from you to avoid your complaints about how they treat you.  Well, three things.  Third is, I’m right there in the sinking boat with you.  I’m still not over American Airlines switching from peanuts to pretzels.  So, you know what kind of emotional maturity giant I am.

 BAD NEWS:  Trying to maintain self-esteem by training others is time-consuming, ineffective, and eventually humiliating.  (How many times to you want to tell some one to give you a kiss?)

GOOD NEWS:  You were in charge all along,    and that’s attractive like a bucket of money.

Later: SPEED KILLS!

     Now, it’s important here to say that no one takes our life away from us.  No one slips inside our brains and chests and TAKES OVER our feelings.  The only way to for another person to take charge of your life and your FEELINGS is for you to abandon yourself. 

You must abdicate responsibility for your feelings; you must abdicate responsibility for your goals and actions.  

     You have to get out of the way and turn the steering wheel over to the other.

    ”You always make me feel stupid.”  “Every time you say that I just give up.”     I can’t stand it when you say that.”  “You hurt my feelings.”  “After what you said I didn’t sleep all night.”  “I would have gone back to law school, but my husband didn’t encourage me.”  “I’ve always wanted to write a book, but my father wanted me to stick with medicine.”  “I started writing a book, but quit when I found out that no one is interested in new writers never get published.”  “I wouldn’t be so depressed but my therapist doesn’t validate my feelings.” 

But mostly, “YOU . . .      . . . MADE ME FEEL THIS WAY.”

Thus, the first step in becoming a free woman in marriage and the world, is to take back that steering wheel.  It’s not easy, we are accustomed to seeing ourselves as over-porous beings unable to do anything but soak up criticism, which wouldn’t be so bad.  Problem is, we’re in the habit of taking criticism personally.

And, oh yeah.  We’re even worse about praise.  We take praise WAY too personally.  So personally that we even believe if we could train others to give us those compliments we’d be okay.  (Talk about turning over the wheel.) 

Compliments are supposed to mean that we’re okay.  That we’re going the right direction.  That we’ve passed the audition–for now.  When did we give all that power away?  When did we buy that compliments said anything about whether or not we’re loved or LOVABLE?

“If he’d compliment me once in a while, I wouldn’t mind not having a life,” she said.

 “Does this outfit make me look fat?”         

Ladies, come on.  NO . . . MORE.  The question is a mistake.  You are worth more than that question.  NO MORE.

     The first thing we’re going to do on this journey is to take back responsibility for the way we feel.  “I’ll take care of my feelings, because I’m the only one who can do a good job.”     

     Setting:  The yard stretching between a Southern mansion and a river is scattered with leftover wedding guests.  The glowing bride steps over to the serving table and picks up the saucer with what was left from her slice of wedding cake used in the cross-over, feed-each-other ritual.  She smiles, gazes into the distance as if she sees a beautiful future.  She nestles the cake in her hand and takes a nip. 

     The groom rushes up, takes the saucer out of her hand, and stares hard at her.     “Not with your fingers!  There are people here!”

     The bride’s expression darkens, as if she is seeing   an . . .  entirely . . . different future.     

     I may have used this bride before, as I often recall and share her changing expression when I present to groups and teach.  I’m bringing it up here to say, her changed view of WHAT IS POSSIBLE is not his fault.  It’s not her “fault” either.  She is, however, the one in charge of that future.

     Does she smile at him, remove his hand sweetly, and say, “I love you so much, but your probably stuck with me eating with my fingers.  I’m actually better off than my sisters.  They can’t even identify the three main utensils.”  She smiles.  But she doesn’t adapt to keep him calmed down when she doesn’t agree with him.  She squeezes his hand, does a cute thing with her eyebrows.  

     She makes a boundary and takes responsibility for doing the best job she can to be clear without being defensive. 

   Later:  Shrink attempts Self Definition on airplane.

     Yesterday, I was flipping through the channels during a Court TV (Tru TV) break and there was Tyra interviewing guests.  Each woman in the audience had a large square of paper taped to the front of her shirt.  The square read, “My True Weght” (or something close).  The idea was that at the end of the show all papers would come off, including Tyra’s, and we’d have a chance to see just how worthwhile each woman was.

   Tyra chants, “One, two, three,” and off they come.  Under the paper?  “SCREW THE SCALES.”

   How great is that?  Just taking women’s number one reason to feel bad and stupid and laughing right in its face.  I’ve never had scales and suggest to the women I see to dump those ridiculous torture machines!

   But, “Oh, oh,” come the frightened cries.      “If a woman doesn’t weigh herself, won’t she lose all control and get fatter and fatter until she’s not worth anything at all anymore?  How will she possibly know what to do?”

      Well . . . NO.  Women are not stupid just because we’ve been brain-washed to believe it’s just real important not to just know what we weigh, it’s flipping critical to know our PERCENTAGE OF BODY FAT.  Now who came up with that one?  Women were actually PAYING to have a DOCTOR      tell us a set of numbers we were supposed to so seriously battle against.

     Hey, we have MIRRORS.  We have CLOTHES.  We can SEE our bodies and, more importantly, we are not such CHILDREN that we DON’T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS when we CAN’T FIT INTO clothes we wore before.

The Emperor Has No Clothes!  We have fallen for our own obsession.  And what hurts, what really, really hurts, is seeing so many wonderful, intelligent, funny, beatiful women convinced they would be better people if they lost weight.  When did butt-size become the measure of a woman?    When did we bow our heads and accept the “INTERNAL TORTURER?”

 The rant shall continue.  Having spent my first years out of graduate school working with eating disorders and the years since working with depression and marriages in trouble –I’m not getting off of this for a while. 

   Before we hone our skills at driving ourselves and others crazy, a clear picture of what the non-crazy person looks like.

     Let’s start with a simple test of our current capacity to manage stress.  What would you do if you were sentenced to life without parole for a double murder you did not commit?  Life.  In a maximum security prison with no hope.  Bad, bad neighbors.

     Talk about a chance for your Emotional Guidance System to take charge.  To what degree would you be able to manage what goes on inside your chest cavity?  Me?  I’m writhing on the floor tearing my hair out.  They’d have to pry my teeth off the baseboards to load into the transport van.  I would be “shoulding”– like crazy.  “This shouldn’t be happening to me!  Someone should have saved me!  My parents should have raised me to be tougher!  And, you, warden guy, shouldn’t be smirking like that.”  As you notice, it doesn’t matter that according to law this shouldn’t be happening.  When it is, it is.

         Then, of course, I’d move into catastrophizing.  “This is horrible!  I can’t take this!  This is terrible!  I can’t stand to live in a prison!”  Again, the conditions might be awful in fact, the point is WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT? 

     “Which is more important?  The world we can touch, or the world we’re responing to?”

     Tim Robbins, playing Andy, in “The Shawshank Redemption” makes another choice.  (I know, you’re thinking, “Choice?  What kind of choice does someone unfairly imprisoned for life have?”  After all, Andy’s the VICTIM right?  He doesn’t have any control over his situation.  Andy takes on his fate in a remarkable way with remarkable results.   

     He thinks about his situation and arranges a fulfilling role for himself.  He locates and associates with the most emotionally stable group with the most solid self leader (Morgan Freeman.)  And he makes a long term goal, a plan for escape that will take many years of work and patience.

     A Self Defined Person:     is able to pull focus off surroundings . . . returning energy to managing anxiety and planning actions.  For starters. 

Practice Sentence:  “This is unpleasant, inconvenient, and less than perfect, but not a disaster unless I DECIDE TO MAKE IT ONE.”