Living Now:  the Power Hose Incident Revisited

What would it take to get you to relax…Now?  What if…this is as good as it gets?

Dateline:  Second story veranda in Texas.  I am in my underwear power-hosing the doggie run…to be sure you have the full picture …see “How to Ruin a Relationship, the Power Hose Incident.”

In my right hand is the power hose.  In my left is a broom.  I am alternating hose spraying and broom pushing water off the edge and I soap and rinse the outdoor carpet.  I am doing my best to hurry, to get the job over.  This isn’t fun.  My arms ache.  Water keeps oozing back toward the wall.  I’m a bit peeved at the whole concept of spending a piece of my life hosing and sweeping…hosing and sweeping…hosing and sweeping.

Which is when a dangerous thought occurred to me….a thought which will change your life…if you ‘get’ it.  It’s a biggie…a toughie…but we can try this together.  In several sections.

What occurred to me was this question:  “Would I be ‘doing’ the job of hosing and sweeping differently if I were being paid for the job?”

Which led to the thought:  “How would my experience of hosing and sweeping be different if I were being paid by the HOUR to do the job?”   That is, I had to out on the veranda hosing and sweeping for a preset number of hours.  How would my internal experience be different if I wasn’t trying so hard to ‘get finished’?

I slowed down.  I stopped pushing the broom as hard and fast.  I danced in long, sweeping movements.  I slipped into a few stanzas of Delta Dawn….I noticed the beyond the balcony.  Corny, I know.  But, that’s what happened.  “Del-ta-uh Dawn…What’s that flower you have on?…”

Which is when I asked myself, “How would my life experience be different… if when my lifetime was assigned to me, God had looked at me and said, “You do realize you have been given an hourly job…that there’s nothing you need to finish?”

“People round Brownsville says she’s crazy…”

Let’s say there’s a continuum of Emotional Maturity….a continuum where ‘0’ represents a person who employs her Emotional Guidance System at all times, in all situations….without any interference from her Thinking Guidance System whats-so-ever…

In other words, ‘0’ represents a person whose momentary feelings determine all decisions in her life….Let’s say…the Octamom.

And ‘100’ represents the person who confers with the Thinking Guidance System, a human who considers the long term results, when making decisions….Let’s say….Gandi.

Remember, feelings are not bad….feelings make life rich and deep.  But if you use transient feelings to decide long term issues for you….Your life will not turn out so well.  Which brings us back to our continuum. 

Where the ‘0’ end is headed up by the Octamom.  And the ‘100’ end, is represented by Gandi.

Notice, particularly, to what degree each person takes the welfare of others into account.  One person draws attention to herself by sacrificing eight (14 children in all)… The other person sacrifices himself to call attention to the plight of his people.

Now, if you’re still thinking, uh, FEELING, there’s a new miracle diet out there….You should know that the Octamom is coming out with a book on….Yep….on the special weight-loss secrets she employed to take off that extra baby (X8) weight.

Personally, I can do without her advice.  Just hand me a couple more of those Hollywood Cookie Diet goodies, would you please?

One hot day a man is walking along a narrow mountain trail with steep sides dropping off hundreds of feet into the canyon below.  At one point, the man steps into some loose gravel at the edge of the trail and slips off the path.  (Work with me here.  Think of Nepal…fog.) 

The poor man is destined to plummet to his death.  And, yet, just as he begins his descent, several yards from the top surface…the man notices a thin branch sticking out from the wall of rock.  He grabs hold of the branch and ‘whew’ holds on for his life.  But all is not well for long.  The branch has only weak, spiny roots, which are quickly loosening from the wall. 

His time on earth is definitely brief.  For a moment, the blather of his panicked Emotional Guidance System dominates his life experience screaming:  “This is horrible!  This is terrible!  I can’t stand this!”

Then, at the moment of his greatest soul-gripping horror, the man notices a wild strawberry plant growing out of the wall next to the slipping roots of his lifeline branch.  The strawberry plant offers nothing in terms of a hold.  So what possible use is a stupid plant?  The man’s brain is going wild.  “This is horrible!  This is terrible!  I can’t stand this!  What good is a stupid plant if it won’t help me in my life?  What good is a strawberry plant if it can’t help me live longer?” 

The man’s mind clearsfor a fraction of a second.  He iss able to set aside his desperate demand to live forever or even longer.  The man realizes all any man or woman has is the present moment.  He becomes accutely aware that, though he is clinging to a brief …and getting briefer…lifeline, his life now…is no different from the life possessed by any man or woman.

His mind quiets and with his sudden clarity, the man notices that…on the strawberry plant are several plump red berries.  He glanced up at the branch which is now barely a sputtering string.  He glances down.  No question, within minutes, maybe seconds, he will be a lifeless body on the canyon floor.  Above him is the past he so longs to continue and improve upon.  Below him is the sure future he feared and dreaded.

Then, he noticed how red, and full, and perfectly ripe the berries were on the plant in front of his face.  Okay, then…he decided.  He CHOSE then to focus on the strawberry plant.  The man dared to loosen his grip on the branch long enough to pluck one of the fruits.  He popped the strawberry in his mouth.  The flavor took over his mind…his life experience. The strawberry was sweet and tart and wonderful.  Wonderful.

Each of us has three limited entities–time, energy, and money.  And one boundless entity–love.  Love we can afford to splatter around and we’ll never run out.

How we “use up”  our time, our energy, and our money…is another matter.  How much of your time, your energy, and your money…is thrown away in the service of your Emotional Guidance System?  How much of your time, energy, and money is sacrificed in efforts to rid yourself of anxiety?  (See ‘What Would You Give Not to Feel?)

‘Worrying’ is the king thief of time.  Saying ‘yes’ when we mean ‘no’ and ending up on projects we don’t value takes lots of energy.  And money?  Well, someone’s buying that tape that you place over your chubby spots and it sucks the fat away while you sleep.  Someone’s out there renting a storage locker to escape the anxiety of making decisions.  And, “Yes”  the reason my name is listed with five stars next to it on every company that makes downloadable emergency disk rescue software…is because when my computer crashes in the middle of the night…I thrash around like a big, desperate fish on a sidewalk, clicking “Buy Now” on every rescue offer popping up and promising to save me.    The ‘Water Tower Place Incident’ provides an example of FUSION (when the functioning of one person is determined by the functioning of another person) and how the breakdown of boundaries led to one person (me) almost spending some of my life ‘time’ doing something I had no desire to do.

Dateline: Chicago, a while back, still in graduate school and attending a downtown conference.  Mental state: google-eyed impressed with the opportunity to have my expenses paid in a wonderful, sophisticated city I’d never visited.

Exact place:  I am on the escalator of Water Tower Place, a multi-storied shopping complex with all the best stores…when I realize my physical self has been invaded by the Body Snatchers.  “How did I get here?” I’m asking myself.  “How did I end up on this escalator in a monster shopping mall?”  “This couldn’t be me.  I don’t even like shopping at home, how could I have chosen this place for the afternoon?”  

The fusion:  Earlier that week back in Austin, I’d remarked to a professor–a world-travelled, highly respected researcher and writer, who I greatly over-valued as I did most of my teachers– that I was going to Chicago.  With my excited annoucement, Over-valued World Traveler said, “Oh, you are going to have a great time.  You want to put shopping at Water Tower Place at the very top of your ‘must do’ list!”

I said something like, “Oh, that sounds perfect!  I can’t wait!”  Then it was: fly to Chicago, check into the hotel, and take the first opportunity to check out Water Tower Place.  Had I consulted my Thinking Guidance System, I’d have asked myself, “How did things turn out the last time someone (at least she had been with me, not just in my imagination) talked you into going to a shopping mall?  And I wouldn’t have woken up standing on a crowded escalator wondering how in the hecko I’d gotten there. 

Okay, this example is kind of ‘fusion-lite’, but it’s still fusion.  Fusion of this sort–when you agree with someone because you value them as a person without thinking for yourself–is common.   Careful now, I’m not saying that the ’self-defined’ move…when the professor says ‘you must go shopping at Water Tower Place–is to pop back with “Well, I don’t really don’t enjoy shopping, so I won’t be going to Water Tower Place.”  To respond with an unsolicited negative response is just as much having behavior determined by the other person… as was the ‘unconcious’ following of her advice.

Hang on…Hang on.  Don’t get your hopes up.   Do you think Iwant to teach myself right out a career?

“How to Treat Yourself” is about…okay…how you treat yourself.  We spend a lot of time and energy struggling to get other people treat us well.  With limited success, I might add.  Other people are so resistent to training.  “Here…here’s your script, dear.  When I say this….you say….and never say….Also, you are required to compliment me…and never mention that little, okay, moderate less-than-perfect feature…never, ever and I can tell by your expression you’re thinking about it.”

Not only are other people difficult to train, they often are distracted attending to their own lives….Speaking of annoying habits.

Thus, “How to Treat Yourself” is a self-employment opportunity.

The Show Horse Philosophy.  A friend and I followed had a lead on a horse prospect, a small bay with three white socks.  Outside of the socks, the horse had little to catch the eye or, in my case, hopes for a big future.  We located the scrawny fellow in a field outside of town, trailered him into the show barn, and walked his dusty, a undersized body into the stable.  Disappointed with our find, I leaned against the wall, waiting for a next move.  Not my friend.  To my wonder, she immediately located her grooming tools and set to work on Three Socks. She cross-tied the prospect, brushed out the dust and loose hair, oiled his hooves, trimmed his ears, then stood back to survey Three Socks.

From where I loitered I asked: “Why did you go to all that trouble?”

She said:  “I’m not letting him go without a chance.  What I”ve learned is, treat a horse like a show horse and he acts like a showhorse.”

Did Three Socks end up Hunter Champion of the State?  Did he go on to prove his doubters wrong?  (Theme from Rocky here.)  No, he didn’t. 

Here is the great beauty of the Thinking Guidance System over the Emotional Guidance System.  My friend wasn’t going for future trophies.  While my Emotional System was asking, “Why go to all this trouble and still be a loser?”

Her Thinking Guidance System used facts.  Not “potential happenings” from some mystical future where, apparently, we all expect… if we can make the right decisions..we will be transformed by having more money, a better job, recognition…winning the lottery…whatever we are holding on to that’s going to happen so that we will be happier… My friend operated with the fact that “Every minute you are alive…you can make it great…have fun with it….If you make it great….no way to be a loser.  Or, you can stand on the sidelines (with me) criticizing and thinking of a future which may or may not happen.”

And… if you believe something to be true about a person…you will ’see’ it…you will prove that what you believe about him or her is true.  You will look for what you believe…what you fear…and you will find it.

The “Mean Farmers are Everywhere! Incident”

A man was out for an evening country drive when he had a flat tire.  On opening his trunk he discovered he had no jack to raise the car.  He’d seen no traffic, thus spotting the lights of a farmhouse in the distance, he struck out to ask for help.  After walking for a few minutes, the man started wondering about the people in the farmhouse.  What if they got mad at having their evening interrupted?  Maybe they were having supper and would feel like they had to interupt the pleasant meal just because a stranger was so careless he didn’t have a jack in his car?  What if they insisted he join them in supper?  He didn’t have time for supper, now they’d think he was rude.  What if they have a jack, but it’s out in the barn and they expect him to find it own his own?  What kind of people wouldn’t help a guy who just needed a jack?  Yes, but what kind of people would invite a stranger into their house?  What kind of person would expect him to find a jack in a barn?  It was pretty late.  They weren’t going to trust him to return the jack, that was for sure.  They’d say, “You didn’t have the sense to make sure you had your own jack. What kind of person is that foolish?”

About this time, the man reached the door of the farmhouse and knocked.  When the farmer answered, the man said, “Fine!  Just keep your damn jack!”

Other “Keep Your Damn Jack!” scenarios when the EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM … (FEAR AND ANXIETY)  is running the show:

The wife waits at the airport for her husband who is late picking her up.  While she waits, she rehearses worst case  possibilities based on her fears.   ”Well, thanks a lot,” she says, climbing in when he arrives, “I can see how important I am to you!”  (This before knowing why he was late.) … Alternate (Just a suggestion, this is hard) “Hi, sweetie. Don’t worry about being late.  I’m sure you had a good reason.”  (Lose interest in whether or not you are right. That’s a dead end.  We’re just going for what works… the facts about what works….by way of the THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEM.)

A husband comes through the door with a dozen roses.  His wife is on the phone with her sister.  She smiles and shows excitement, but stays on the phone for another twenty minutes, then says, “These are gorgeous.  Thank-you!”  The husband shrugs and says, “Thank you doesn’t mean much to me now.”  …Alternate, (see above re: thinking running the show)… “I had to wait, honey, but you’re always worth it!”

What happens next after first responses?  After alternative responses?  Which outcome do you want?

If you believe you are not lovable, no one….absolutely no one…can convince you otherwise.  If you believe you are not lovable…you will not recognize love. 

Deciding to live “as if” you are lovable or “as if” you are not lovable… is something like deciding to live believing in an afterlife.  You have to go one way or the other.  There is no middle.

Have you ever told your version of a family situation from your own point of view making sure to highlight “bizarre and unacceptable” of another family member” …She made me furious!”  “He did xx again and just ruined my day.”  “I can’t believe xx is still xx.”  “Did you see what xx did?”…you say…only to have that person refuse to jump on your emotional bandwagon?  That’s what it felt like for me when I switched from a relationship-diagnosis-focus on-what-other-people-are-doing-wrong way of thinking about behavior change…to a self-focus model.

Before introducing the third leg of the Triple Blame Whammy, I thought a bit of a review on the self-focused way of thinking about bettering one’s life…might help.  Because taking responsibility for one’s feelings isn’t the popular way of thinking about human behavior and behavior change.  And it’s very hard to work on one’s own reactions.  At least I can be thrown off a good day by a random rude driver or a bit of discouraging news.                     Our Emotional Guidance Systems urge us to tell other people to change.  The easiest response to anxiety is to criticize.  The easiest response to criticism is defense.              And here we go. Not that other people aren’t making life difficult. Just because you’ve decided to take charge of what goes on inside your chest cavity… doesn’t mean other people aren’t going to go on being themselves.

Let’s face it, some people are easier to be around than others.  All people are easier to be around sometimes and harder at other times….depending on their level of anxiety and our levels of anxiety.  Technically, if we had ourselves perfectly together, it wouldn’t matter who we were around, we’d always be hunky-dorry happy.  But, I’ve never met anyone that together.  For most of us, while we could ideally be happy with anyone, it’s a lot easier to be happy with some people than it is with others.

Taking charge isn’t for everyone.  Words from a cartoon:  Guy A:  “My therapist says you are too controlling.”   Guy B: “My therapist says I need to take responsibility for my feelings.”  Guy A: “My therapist says you are narcissistic.” Guy B: “My therapist says I need to work on managing my anxiety.” Guy A: “My therapist says you have authority issues.” Guy B: “My therapist says….I think I should get a new therapist.”   

Wouldn’t the easy way be to blame the driver in front of us, our siblings, the right wingers, the left wingers, the cat people, dog people, our spouse, or our ex-spouse for the way we feel? 

Actually, no.  Because then we’d live out our lives as victims.  If we have no contribution to our negative feelings, if they are only something that happen “to” us.  Then there is nothing we can do to make our life better….and we are powerless husks in the wind.  This is hard.

In a former life (when I was nineteen and knew everything), I worked for Coca Cola at a Maryland Club plant because who needs an education?  Having come up with a unique way of avoiding growing up–getting married–I quickly met any questions regarding my future with the statement that just because my Danish grandmother got her doctorate in 1929 while other Americans were jumping off buildings–didn’t mean higher education was for everyone in the family.  After all, when you’re married…doesn’t that qualify as a life?  Oh. . . . I know.  No one bought my act and the marriage was a rather pathetic several month affair as was my soaring career with Coca Cola.

But I learned a bunch. (Maybe not as much as I would have at the university….)

My job at the Maryland Club plant was in the accounting (now that’s a fancy term for it) department and consisted of being handed a stack of data cards, verifying the accounting math on my ten key calculator, and handing the cards to the woman at the next desk. 

Actually, it wasn’t quite as exciting as I’ve made it sound. Certain things start to take on epic importance in a mind-deadening job such as the one I’d landed with my extensive credentials in food service and braiding horses’ manes.

One these things is “break time.”  Because, I’m sure, of some human rights protester mowed down by fire hoses in years past, we had a twenty minute break in the morning (sigalled by a ring through the Muzak), thirty minutes for lunch, and a twenty minute break in the afternoon. We filed out to the break room (a small school cafeteria without the charm) where we sat with our co-workers, most of whom were already grown up like me, that is, married.  It was the break room that unraveled my little pretend-married-lady-I’ve-got-my-life figured-out charade. 

The doo-loo-(pick up those chains) chimed.  On the day of the chicken noodle incident, I grabbed my lunch, and trudged out with the other career ladies. I took my usual spot with the other young marrieds, and set out my warm chicken noodle soup, my coffee, my crackers, and some chips.  With the thirty minute dining experience, one little item out of order, and poof you’re not ready when you hear the doo-loo again. 

I scooped my plastic spoon through my soup and managed two or three bites before the inevitable happened. I dripped chicken broth on my blouse.  “Oh well, I’m thinking. It’s not like I have an audience with the Queen later.”  I dabbed the spot a bit and continued chatting with my pals. It’s probably not my most attractive trait, but with clumsiness as my constant companion, usually when I get a stain, or lose a button, or the hem falls out of something, I just let it evolve and wear it anyway.  Scotch tape  is stronger than you might think.  Thus, I didn’t think more than a nano-second about the chicken noodle smudge.

I was alone in my ignoring of the SMUDGE.  “Do you know the best way to get out a stain like that?” asked one woman.  Before I had time to confess my ignorance, another friend jumped in. “Most people think you should soak the material right away if you expect to get your shirt looking like new.”  The next five minutes went thusly…”Fab is good, but you have to rub it in before you put it in the wash…Fab ruined one of my shirts; you have to use Tweety-tweet Super (I was confused…I could keep up)…”No! Tweety Tweet is the worst mistake.  And it’s expensive. I’m telling you any detergent will do fine, it doesn’t have to be Fab….It has to be Fab…No, it doesn’t. I’m telling you Tweety-Tweet is the only way, what do you want her to do, ruin her ENTIRE LIFE?”

That’s what I heard, could be she was talking about the shirt. The doo-loo came through the Muzak and I made a run for it that ended up with me the token divorced sophmore at the University of Texas and the tiny closet in my one room apartment stuffed with spotted clothes. I’m pleased to say that my fellow grown-up imposters moved on as well.  We’ve decided that the “accounting” department at the Maryland Club coffee plant is a form of intervention.  And what does this have to do with the Secret of Life (See previous post)?

We humans get invested in the way we believe other people SHOULD do things, even the best way to remove a stain. When our Emotional Systems are in charge, we exaggerate how critical it is that another person hears what we are saying and acknowledges that we are right.  Next Post.  “Freedom: Giving Other People the Right to Be Themselves.”

The Obsessed Stranger Lady couldn’t get me off her mind.  My very existence took away from her day.

 The next day, three films had gone by with only myself and one other faithful soul, the Innocent Movie-Goer (the daytime films are not well attended) in the theater.  Before the next film, I asked the Innocent Movie-Goer if it would take away from his film enjoyment if I went up into the back corner and opened my laptop?  “Of course not,” he said, a little worried now that the person asking such a bizarre question was in the dark theater with him.  Now, this time I wasn’t going to be so easily caught.  I went up to the top row of seats (huge theater….dozens of rows…big empty space….nobody…just me and the “okay, sure” guy.)  But, just to please the “Obsessed Stranger Lady,” I decided to forego even sitting in the seats.    

 I sat on the floor behind the rows in a little nook to the side of the projection booth. I turned with my back to the screen, just in case Obsessive Stranger Lady peeked in again, spotted me, and called the state police.

A few minutes later I hear the now familiar approaching steps.  Oh, yes.  The Obsessive Stranger Lady hovered over me and again asked me what I was doing.  I answered as factually as I could, sprinkling in apologies for disturbing the imaginary audience.  I was a little scared at the this point, kind of like the story where a person is tried for a crime and the jury comes back with this verdict, “We find the woman innocent.  But we think she should be locked up anyway.”

The Obsessed Stranger Lady let me in on the world she was responding to, turning away and saying.  “I just think there’s something wrong with a person who’d come into a theater and open their laptop.”

Well, okay.  At least she didn’t make that little call to the film police.

We all have an Obsessed Stranger Lady inside us and she’s a real bore.  But, ah-ha there’s a cure!  Later.

How panicked should we be when another person gets us in their sites?  I’m not talking about a “stalker” in the criminal sense.  But when you feel as if you have a target on your back?  That someone has an opinion of you and you can’t change it?   Of course, I can’t write three sentences in a row without saying . . . There’s only one person we can change.  And, as we go lilting through this example, the most productive thing you can do (besides chuckle, chuckles always good) is to think of a time when you have “targeted” someone who doesn’t think like you or value what you value.

I do not believe that the Obsessed Stranger Lady is caught in ways I am not caught.  My obsessions are just different and better rationallized.  When I make comments about those clippy women walking through the airport in high heels and appropriate seasonall outfits, carrying giant garment bags like they’re nothing and rolling a computer without even breathing hard or stumbling or crashing into every out-stretched foot…really…”What’s wrong with those women?” …oh, yeah.  They’re vain and shallow and probably spreading flu viruses everywhere…surely,  “those women” couldn’t be all that bright…

Back to the Darkened Theater.  The Obsessed Stranger Lady approached once and suggested I stop bothering imaginary movie watchers.  (See previous two posts to catch up.) Not too scary, right?  I didn’t think about it again, until a few hours later when I was in a series of student short films as the only audience.  Wanting to open my laptop again, but wanting to make sure I wouldn’t disturb anyone who might come in, I climbed up to the corner of the huge empty theater, sat in the corner seat. . .  and lifted. . . the . . . lid of terror.    Clicking along and still alone in the theater, the woman spotted me when she peeked in the theater to count the audience (me).  Spotting me clinging from the back roof, the OSL rushed up the stairs to my side.  She demanded to know, what , exactly, I was doing?  I answered.  She responded by informing me of the prison sentence I would receive for taping the films . . . a sentence she clearly believed I deserved regardless of what I doing.  I explained I had no such intention and offered for her to check out my lowly laptop.  (”Nothing would thrill the student film students more than having their short films pirated and zipping around the Internet,” …I was thinking, but I didn’t say that either.)  OSL snarled.  I explained that, I would never want to disturb anyone’s viewing experience, which is why I’d positioned myself where I had (in the empty theater).  Obsessive Stranger Lady walked down the many empty rows, disgusted, wheels turning about what kind of person I was. Deep sighs all around.

You’d think I’d wise up about the importance of not annoying invisible people.  But no, I dared again.  I paid the price.  . . Manana, I promise.  I’m working on shorter posts.  So there you go.  Now, you KNOW  just what kind of person would do that.  Not really.  If you were that easy, you wouldn’t still be reading.

“Which is more important when someone encounters you for the first time?  The world of facts about you?  Or the other person’s assumptions about people like you?”

When someone meets you or sees you or hears of you, who do they think you are?”  (Of course, what they think of you is none of your business, but we’ll get to that.)

In the Darkened Theater Incident involving the Psychologist, the Innocent Movie-Goer, and the Obsessed Stranger Lady (OSL), I happened to become important to the OSL. I didn’t want to be important to the stranger.  Yet, I was chosen.  And this is how is happened. . .

A local film festival has been showing movies of all lengths and types over the last several days.  As this is one of my favorite local activities, as usual, I settled for the show at a theater far from my personal International World Headquarters.  So far, so good. 

I arrived just as one film was rolling final credits, and as I could see no one remaining in the theater, I entered, walked about half-way up, and opened my laptop to check e-mail during the break.  Which I did.  When the lights came up, a woman I hadn’t seen walked over to say that my laptop screen was very distracting.  I apologized profusely, saying the last thing I would want would be to take away from anyone’s movie experience.  I hadn’t realized anyone was in the theater. (”Or felt they couldn’t stand to be slightly distracted as the last three credits rolled,” but I didn’t say that part.) I kept it to myself that I’d always assumed… to be rude, other people had to be present.

This was the first time.  But only the first time the Obsessed Stranger Lady was to hunt me down.  Round Two. . . Manana.

 

 

 What happens when someone decides they know who you are based on one factor? 

“Which is more important?  The world of facts, or the world we are responding to?”

“Which is more important? The person we are?  Or, the person others think we are?”

Part of the world we are responding to is “what other people think” about us.       Keep in mind . . . Our version of  ”what other people think,” of course,  has little to do with “what other people actually think.” 

Note:  For now, we’re on how other people “make up who we are”, but no smugness here.  Since there’s only one person we can change–our focus on the “other people out there doing crazy things” will be brief.  Then we’re back to what we can do about the crazy world by managing ourselves.

Whew. . . . Let’s get back to the darkened theater, the Innoncent Movie-goer and the scary, Obsessed Stranger Lady.  We’re not talking a simple encounter. We are talking about what happens when a person decides they know who you are, using one feature, no matter how fleeting. (See previous post for lead.)

The Obsessed Stranger Lady in the movie theater decided that the Psychologist movie-goer had a “mental” or at least a serious “moral” problem.  The Innocent Movie-goer kept his opinion to himself, thereby, perhaps, remaining uncategorized in the story.  The “Obsessed Stranger Lady came at me out of the darkness . . . not once, but three times.  Before the hideous series of encounters were over–If indeed they are. . . .( I do suspect that someone is secretly going through our trash because of the rumors about… oh, never mind)– the Obsessed Stranger Lady asked me if I ever considered other people’s feelings (I thought to be rude, there had to be other people around). . . threatened to have me arrested . . . and topped it off by admitting she “just didn’t understand how anyone could be” like me and live with themselves . . . 

The Obsessed Stranger Lady knew only one thing about me. And from observing that one thing (it’s a behavior, not a purple horn or anything coming out of my head) she she . . . she couldn’t get me out of her mind.  She was very angry with me.  I do not know her.  I couldn’t pick her out of a line-up.  She’d like to see me in a line-up.  Or, in front of a firing squad.

Why? . . .  Manana.

Down with the Blobs!  Stay in charge of you!

In 1958 one of the original horror flicks came out – “The Blob.”   In this movie, two teenagers (one of them Steve McQueen) see a streak of light coming to the Earth, as if something from outer space had fallen nearby.  They investigate and find a Blob of red waxy material.  A man touches the Blob and the Blob begins to devour him.  Now the Blob isn’t large compared to the man.  It’s about the size of a couple of mushed doughnuts.  But, when the Blob attaches, it begins to take whatever it touches into itself and becomes larger.

Imagine that what has landed at the end of that streak of light is a  Blob of negativity. Thus, when you are touched by the Blob and the pores in your emotional skin are too open, the Blob will take you over. You no longer can choose the quality of your inner state.  You feel what the Blob feels.

In the movie, the Blob takes on whole rooms full of people. In the most famous scene, the Bloboozes through a movie theater smooshing in all the people together in one single way of thinking, or a single huge rolling ball in this case. If you think that can’t happen, think back to the underground shelters and secret storage cellars collected to meet the disaster of 2000.  Think of a KKK rally fed by paranoia and hate.

So, here’s the challenge.  Can you encounter a Blob person and just flick that sucker off.  Can you say, “No thanks. Not buying negative today.  Keep rolling, rolling, rolling, right over me. No oozing up with the Blob for me, today.”

Oh, but you say—“Aren’t people whose pores are open the most sensitive people?  If by sensitive you mean “unable to stay separate,” then you are talking–not able people with the capacity to feel and care about the suffering of others– but about people who automatically absorb suffering.  Absorbing suffering immobilizes and helps no one.  Recognizing suffering can change the world. 

Okay, how did we get from dodging a monster red Blob to changing the world?  Let’s back up to changing our inner world, which will have the effect of changing the world.  If you have any doubts, as your special people if you being a more optimistic person would change their life. 

Here’s where we get back to the Emotional Guidance System.  The most likely Blob you’ll encounter will be that little Torturer on your shoulder, saying things in your ear like, “Who do you think you are? You’re not smart enough, strong enough, attractive enough.  Not to mention you’re too tired, frustrated and unlucky to reach your goals.  Time to flick that sucker.

Note:  Steve McQueen was paid $2500 for his part in the movie.

 

 

 First, if you happen to be a tech support person for Time Warner or Apple, and you tried to help a distraught woman in Texas late last night…bless you…you should get paid a lot more than you do. 

“Which is more important? The world of facts, the world you can touch? Or the world you are responding to?”

In looking at anxiety in a situation, the first element is PERCEPTION. (The other pieces, INTERPRETATION, and REACTION are later.)

Your perception of the world, this moment, and the people in your world, do not represent THE reality. The more anxious you are, the more what you SEE is determined by your EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE GUIDANCE SYSTEM. When your anxiety is low, what you see more resembles the world you can touch. 

Factors contributing to anxiety are many and are determined by your experiences, and your imagined experiences. For example–if you were bitten by a dog, your anxiety is more likely to go up in the presence of dogs–though not for everyone at the same level. To some, the dog bite experience could grow and flower to the point where the person feels anxious when dogs are shown on television or talked about.  To others the experience may fade quickly and have little affect on behavior or thoughts. The individual’s level of functioning at the time of the bite, as well as the responses and anxiety of others strongly affect the long term affect of any experience.

The highly anxious person is more likely to react to a new situation that is similar to the dog biting experience–by acting in ways to upset the dog and, yes, increase the chance of a fresh bite. Which proves your belief that dogs are dangerous is right on the mark.

You can see where this is going. Switch out the dog for the woman in the next office or anyone in whose presence you are anxious. If your like me, your target can be a machine. Yesterday, I bought a Mac after 20 years on PCs. I haven’t switched because I was convinced I’d lose my mind with all the changes the new system would require. With this fear firmly in mind, I began converting my files. Everything worked except email.

Enter technical support. Two hours. I called in the likes of Time Warner and Apple Computers, not to mention more than a few friends and relatives. “I can’t get my e-mail!”   “I’ve tried that!” My server deletes and re-instates my account. Apple re-routes me to a specialist in Hawaii. But, no. None of those #$%%*#’s were any help. I gave up. But still in love with my new little 3 pound beauty, I couldn’t put her to sleep quite yet. I’d just play around . . . which is when I noticed on the in-box screen of my email, the little double line under the first six emails…drags down. Yep. I had test emails from two continents and Hawaii. Bless you.

I was right. I KNEW the switchover was going to be horrible and I made sure it was.