A Psycholgist on the Loose
Posts tagged success
How to Treat Yourself
Jul 21st
Hang on…Hang on. Don’t get your hopes up. Do you think Iwant to teach myself right out a career?
“How to Treat Yourself” is about…okay…how you treat yourself. We spend a lot of time and energy struggling to get other people treat us well. With limited success, I might add. Other people are so resistent to training. “Here…here’s your script, dear. When I say this….you say….and never say….Also, you are required to compliment me…and never mention that little, okay, moderate less-than-perfect feature…never, ever and I can tell by your expression you’re thinking about it.”
Not only are other people difficult to train, they often are distracted attending to their own lives….Speaking of annoying habits.
Thus, “How to Treat Yourself” is a self-employment opportunity.
The Show Horse Philosophy. A friend and I followed had a lead on a horse prospect, a small bay with three white socks. Outside of the socks, the horse had little to catch the eye or, in my case, hopes for a big future. We located the scrawny fellow in a field outside of town, trailered him into the show barn, and walked his dusty, a undersized body into the stable. Disappointed with our find, I leaned against the wall, waiting for a next move. Not my friend. To my wonder, she immediately located her grooming tools and set to work on Three Socks. She cross-tied the prospect, brushed out the dust and loose hair, oiled his hooves, trimmed his ears, then stood back to survey Three Socks.
From where I loitered I asked: “Why did you go to all that trouble?”
She said: “I’m not letting him go without a chance. What I”ve learned is, treat a horse like a show horse and he acts like a showhorse.”
Did Three Socks end up Hunter Champion of the State? Did he go on to prove his doubters wrong? (Theme from Rocky here.) No, he didn’t.
Here is the great beauty of the Thinking Guidance System over the Emotional Guidance System. My friend wasn’t going for future trophies. While my Emotional System was asking, “Why go to all this trouble and still be a loser?”
Her Thinking Guidance System used facts. Not “potential happenings” from some mystical future where, apparently, we all expect… if we can make the right decisions..we will be transformed by having more money, a better job, recognition…winning the lottery…whatever we are holding on to that’s going to happen so that we will be happier… My friend operated with the fact that “Every minute you are alive…you can make it great…have fun with it….If you make it great….no way to be a loser. Or, you can stand on the sidelines (with me) criticizing and thinking of a future which may or may not happen.”
Why Not You?
May 6th
Last Saturday afternoon a short, skinny gelding won the Kentucky Derby by the biggest lead in 63 years. Against every measure this horse is a loser. But he won. Why not you?
Maybe you didn’t have all of Mine the Bird’s avantages. After all, he was given up as a loser, gelded, rated at 50 to 1, and came out of the starting gate rather badly.
What if Mine the Bird had had a typical human Emotional Guidance System to get in his way? No way he’d have been in the race. No way he’d talked himself into showing up at the track. He certainly didn’t LOOK like a race horse. Every tipster who’d watched him run said Mine the Bird had no business in the Kentucky Derby. The owner who sold him dumped him for $9500.
The ultimate show of lack of confidence is gelding a stallion. For those of you not familiar with the horse world, this means–no million dollar or two dollar stud fees. Gelding is done for a variety of reasons, including behavioral difficulties, ease of handling, and when the owner does not believe the horse has any future value as a stud.
Sometimes when I’m doing couples counseling, the man will comment on the woman’s emotionality by saying, “Well, you know how women are.” I nod in agreement, adding that I’d never bought a female showhorse and never will because of their upredictability, particularly around a stallion or when they have babies. The man always smiles, appreciating that “though I are one” I understand “how women are.” I continue saying I’ve always showed male horses . . . geldings, of course. The smile fades and we’re back to even ground.
How much do we let the expectations others determine how far with go with our dreams? How much do your own expectations hold you back?
Someone’s going to win. Why not you?
But you do have to go to racetrack. No one’s going to knock on your door, whip on a bridle, and lead you to the starting gate.
NOW…BE HERE… NOW
Apr 21st
There is a man walking a hard and narrow high mountain path. Below him all sorts of horrors await should he make one false step …tiny flies sting his eyes so desperately he’s tempted to close them and avoid even trying to continue his journey.
The lofty goals he set for himself are now lost in clouds so thick he cannot remember what they are. Why is he even here? What’s the point of one foot in front of the other, and by the way, his feet are hurting. He’s thinking, “I’m too old for this. I’m too fat for this. I think I’m getting a headache which could mean another virus is about to ruin my week.”
He slips. Suddenly, he drops off the side of the mountain. On the way down, his hands grasping as he slides, his fingers close around a branch. Not a strong branch. Not a branch that will last forever, but a branch for NOW.
As he hangs there…. he sees just in front of his face a wild strawberry bush with one strawberry on it. Only one, but it is a perfect strawberry. He picks it, enjoys the rich red color, then takes a bite. Not looking down, not search the mountaintop for rescue, he pops the rest of the strawberry into his mouth. His whole attention is on the wonder of that strawberry.
This is you. That is me. Now.
Are You Being “Gaslighted?”
Apr 15th
The answer is, “Of course you are. We all are.” The question is only a matter of degree. But to what degree you are being “Gaslighted” depends on many factors and is incredibly important. We’ll start with family.
“Gaslighting,” taken from the movie by that name, refers to one person convincing another that something is true about them, which isn’t true. In the movie, a husband convinces his new bride that she is losing her mind in order to have control of her fortune. I’m quite convinced that certain demented dogs are capable of “Gaslighting” their owners which I am writing about this away from my home computer. Crazy Dog has been staring over my shoulder like a starving child watching Krispy Kreme doughnuts sugared up by one of those amazing glazing machines.
You are being “Gaslighted” just as I am, everyday, as other people–especially those who love us and fear for us–try to convince us that WE ARE WHO THEY THINK WE ARE.
We are “Gaslighting” others, everyday, as we convince others–especially those we love–that they are WHO WE THINK THEY ARE.
This is huge. Too huge for just one day. “Gaslighting” doesn’t happen because other people are evil or don’t love us. I had a brief former life as a teenage wife, an effort to grow up that was a smashing, and luckily for both of us, a matter of only months. I’ve been asked many times, “How did you know to get out?” “Why didn’t you end up spending years trying to make the relationship work?”
My answer: The young man I was married to had a view of me, and what I was capable of accomplishing, that was very different from the picture of me my father had. I was lucky. Had I been raised by a parent who saw me as weak and incapable, who knows?
So the first place we’re “Gaslighted” is in the family growing up. Note: Mysteryshrink is not a parent-blamer. Each of us comes by who we are through a natural process. The idea that one generation can look back at another and “blame” their problems on the generation before is simply ridiculous. Do you think our generation is the first to run this scam? Do you honestly believe your parents represented a new species of disturbance that hasn’t been seen before?” (See, The Triplicate Myth.) Still, it is in the family that “Gaslighting” takes root, not because a parent or sibling wants us to turn out a certain way… but because parents and siblings react automatically to fit our behavior with expectations… and then mold their expectations to direct our new behaviors.
Whew. Think of it like this. In doing family work, clients are always quick to point out how different they are from their siblings. But, how much of that came with the package into the world, and to what degree are those differences playing out expectations? Think of a family like a car. If the car already has an accelerator when you are born into it, you will take up another role. “She’s the one who’ll make a great mother.” “She’ll be the career woman in the family.” “She’ll always be in trouble.” “He’ll be the rebel.” “He’ll end up in jail.”
Here’s where we get back to the importance of “degree.” How much room was there for you to wriggle around and become someone different from expectations? Will I one day be able to go to sleep without locating all seven of Crazy Dog’s squeaky toys and lining them up on the bed as she expects?
Breathe In, Breathe Out, One Foot in Front of the Other
Apr 8th
Have you ever wanted to stop time? Know the future? Accomplish a complex goal quickly?
One night a few years ago, I woke up at three a.m., my head whirling with all that I needed to accomplish and all the questions I had about the future. If I could just know NOW what was around the next corner. Then I would know how to invest my time and energy. The not knowing was making me (I was making me) crazy and sleepless.
I went into my home office and slipped a book off the shelf, “The Snow Leopard.” At the moment, I’m in my Dallas International World Headquarters Hilton and thus cannot quote exactly, but the pages opened to a scene in which the narrator was doubting whether or not he could finish his trek into the Himalayas…when a grasshopper in his path spoke to him. ( Remember, not a quote…been years… the important part is the message.)
The narrator asked the grasshopper how he could so bravely bounce up into the air and come down again on the path when the slightest wrong tilt or gust of wind and he’d be in flight for two miles straight down. The grasshopper answered something like this. “What choice do I have or does anyone really have? I go foward, one step at a time with all my spirit. What happens, happens. It’s my path to go one step at a time.”
I was reminded that no matter how we try, this is our job. To put one foot in front of the other with courage.
One foot in front of the other, not skittering off the path in fear of what might happen, not taking side paths out of fear, and somehow, some way bringing something to the human struggle.
My goal is to bring a smile now and then. Two guys are talking.
First Guy: “I saw a clown one street over.”
Second Guy: “Was it a clown, or just someone dressed up like a clown?”
Mexico…
Just One Little Spark
Feb 17th
We make psychology sound way too hard and try to accomplish too much. At least that’s what I think after all these years in practice. Of course, there’s always the chance I’m just not very good at my profession.
If we could figure out a way to do teach people how to manage this one little change that goes on inside our heads . . . We would accomplish something worthwhile. We can do long division in our head, it makes no sense that this one little thing is so hard without random help from outside ourselves.
. . . It’s a dreary day, it seems like there’s too much to do 
and as if time is dragging at the same time. . . You have no energy and you’re pretty sure there’s something wrong with your foot. There’s that cold virus going around, too. That’s it. You’re probably getting sick, which is why you have the pain behind your forehead. Not severe enough to lie down, but some caffiene stoked Excedrin is definitely in order. ”Maybe I’m depressed . . .” you’re thinking. You reach in the fridge, pick up a lite yougart and check the calories. “Yes! This new kind has 80 calories instead of 100 calories in your old brand just like they said in the ad!” And you think this realization is A REAL THING. A difference worth chasing. You have lost the will for a quality life.
Then the phone rings. Good news! A friend’s coming to visit, you won a fifty-dollar gift certificate, 
or, who knows . . . a piece of the lottery.
And now, you’re queen of the energy universe! You have your EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM working for you. You know it’s the same dreary day . . . but wait a minute . . . No it’s not the same old day. Plans, plans, plans. Can’t take Excedrin or I’ll shoot through the roof. Who cares about all those smarmy chores? You’ll do them later. Better yet, you’ll do them now!
If managing this little perk up was easy–this country wouldn’t have a drug problem and I’m sure fewer people would end up ordering commemorative coins in the middle of the night.
My advice? MUSIC. At least that’s what I’m saying up front. The truth? I’ll have to get to know you better.
Why no comments? Because I have met the devil and his name is SPAM.
Confidence, Ssmonfidence
Feb 6th
Yep. Nail another of the reliable psychobabble topics to the wall. Just rip it out of your head and ram a spike through it.
We’re supposed to have this SELF-CONFIDENCE BEFORE we accomplish tasks, projects, and relationships. Fine. So Just where are we supposed to get S-C?
We can’t buy it, obviously, since people with lots of stuff are missing S-C as often as the rest of us bargain hunters. Okay, so your parents, right? Your parents, if they loved you, 
were SUPPOSED to GIVE you Self-Confidence. So that worked, right?
Well, no. So, phooey there. Every parent I’ve ever worked with loved their children and most desperately wanted to GIVE their children S-C. Their love didn’t do it, and given that little confession, I guess you get it that a psychololgist can’t GIVE it to you, either.
Things are looking pretty desperate. But wait! We can marry someone who loves us enough to GIVE us Self-Confidence. Right. Talk about a way to wear out a relationship. And your kids? Even if they do everything right and the family is doing great. . . Nope, they can’t GIVE it to you. Even when they try very hard.
So what now? Oh, yeah. We already nailed that S-C business to the psychobabble-I’m-not-going-to-look-for-Stuff-That-Doesn’t-Really-Exist-WALL.
This Self Confidence business has held us back long enough. Part of the effort toward a life based more on facts, and less on wild emotions, toward a life with more solid successes that come from steady progress (no eat-cookies and lose weight, send in your old gold and go to Tahiti, 
or borrow more money to save yourself money funny business) . . .
Means facing the REALITY that to accomplish anything, we have to take the first step, SELF-CONFIDENCE or NO SELF-CONFIDENCE. The only thing that matters is that first step. Then the one after and the one after. Knowing we will fail sometimes. That if we aren’t knocked around a bit, our goals are way to low.
As for where having 14 babies while unemployed and single comes from? . .
. Now there’s a woman taking LIFE RULED by the EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM TO A NEW LEVEL.
Optimism, Belief, Energy to Win
Feb 5th
”Which is more important? The world you can touch, or the one you are responding to?”
While in training and learning to recognize the role of FACTS over FEELINGS, I saw a movie of Shakespeare’s Henry IV (could have been Henry V) in which the King has sent out a scout to check out the strength of the opposing army his troops are to face the next day. The scout returns to report (Okay, you British lit experts, cut me some slack here on the facts) that Henry’s men are out-numbered four-to-one, that their enemies will charge on horseback while Henry’s men are on foot, that the enemy has many cannons and armaments while Henry’s men have only small bows. 
The situation is without hope. Henry sends the scout away, thinks through the possibilities for the next day, then calls his men together, I’m thinking, to give them the bad news. Henry proceeds to give the most Emotional Guidance System-sucking speech I’ve ever heard.
Henry’s side won. 
Against impossible odds. So, whoa. Now that shot a hole in my new “fact-based” living plans. I’ve never been able to get that speech out of my mind. Henry changed the outcome by his sheer will and capacity to capture the collective emotional systems of his men. That means something about what’s possible.
Studies show that girls are more often than boys allowed to back away from difficult tasks. That women are not as much looked down on for wiggling out of unmet goals– if they turn their energies to cleaning up after others. (Breaking news! A sweet happy housewife with blond hair and medium pumps in the last commercial let me in on the news that I don’t have to clean my toilets everyday anymore! The relief… Then another lass let me in on the news that I no longer have to dust every week. Where have these knowing women been all my life?)
Where is your King Henry when you give up too easily? 
I know you think the world with it’s venues where you are out-numbered, where you don’t have the talent, exists, but it doesn’t. It does not exist.
The people around you? You’ve made them up, too. You’ve made up how they think about you.
That world you are responding to, the one that limits where you can go, YOU MADE IT UP. …along with a little help from parents, siblings, the girl next door, and that P.E. teacher who made you dress out in the seventh grade. ….But, phfffffft. on them. I’m so full of Henry’s speech that I’m going to do this! 
Oooooooooooh. Ouuuch. There’s clearly a limit to the creative thinking process.
Tomorrow . . . what happens when you think the best of people? And assume they are crazy about you?
OPTIMISM can be POISON
Feb 4th
“OPTIMISM” and “CONFIDENCE” are good things, right?
Not always.
Sometimes, optimism and confidence are ACTION STOPPERS. 
Often we do NOT ACT because we believe that to accomplish our goal, we MUST HAVE CONFIDENCE. Before we start, we must be OPTIMISTIC.
The myth of Self Esteem falls in here, but that’s for another day.
First let’s tackle “optimism.” Optimism is not enough. Two examples–
The Case of the Optimistic Husband: A wife left her husband after being disappointed with her husband’s involvement in, and his lack of enthusiasm for supporting, the family. As the weeks went by, I’d ask him how it was going as he very much wanted to keep the marriage. His response was invariably, “I’m optimistic. I think being optimistic is important.” The problem– he wasn’t DOING ANYTHING to save the relationship. He was just “being” optimistic. 
Optimism didn’t change his functioning and thus, worked against his goal.
The Case of the Aspiring Novelist: Now I write, (TOO RICH comes out in June.) and I’m the World’s Biggest Weinnie when it comes to showing my work. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I was so afraid of criticism that at my first writer’s conference, I didn’t even go into a meeting. Yep, just drove by the hotel, ducking down like someone would be standing on the sidewalk, pointing and saying, “Look at her. Who does she thinks she is, thinking someone wants to read her manuscript?”
But, a problem I see at writing conferences (Yes, I finally came in. I used an alias, but hey, baby steps, okay?)– is that many writers think that what’s needed for them to be published is to visualize future success and stay optimistic. And I see that attitude holding them back. Yes, optimism is needed to send out those queries. But optimism is a problem if the writer doesn’t improve their product because he or she is OPTIMISTIC that some agent will eventually like their early draft just the way it is. Or accept a topic which she can’t sell.
I see this problem in couples therapy where one partner believes that if someone loves you, he’s supposed to put up with you just the way you are–when some of the ways you are –are annoying. And if he loves you he won’t ever complain. I’m not talking about doing the pretzel change thing. I’m talking about the kind of work on yourself that makes your life better.
Yep. We’re back to MANAGING YOUR OWN ANXIETY. 
Again.
This is too important to not do more. And CONFIDENCE deserves it’s own post. So later.
And tomorrow, The “I DON’T DO MORNINGS” Incident. Postponed to a later date.
The String Bikini Incident
Dec 30th
Motto for 2009: “You know, I’ve been thinking. I’ve decided I would look GREAT in a string bikini!”
Yep. The very thought is beyond ridiculous if I’m talking about what someone else would think. I’m not sure I could talk a salesperson into letting me try on, 
much less purchase a string bikini. I chose the string bikini statement because someone who loves me very much just the way I am said that once spying a string bikini on a store manikin. He couldn’t have been more wrong. And I’m not being coy. I would look ridiculous in a string bikini, then and even more now. But not according to him.
The only way we’re going to get our lives back is by producing our own feedback channels run by that part of ourselves that’s like that guy who said I’d look great in a string bikini.. You can go to FOX News for the conservative take, NBC for a more liberal take. And to your own channel for the best take for you. This is the channel run by that director who is absolutely CRAZY about you. We are not tuning into the channel manned by others. 
Alert!! CRAZY and unwise are not the same. Remember best thinking over emotionally based decisions is what we’re going for. The reason no comments have been shown on this site is that I haven’t sorted through the thousands and thousands of spams. I’m trying to catch up now and must say—Buying more exercise machines, male organ size enhancements, and God forbid, those all-in-one girdles–is not the kind of CRAZY that goes into having a better life. It’s the kind of crazy that keeps everything the same except you have less money.
The crazy we’re going for is the kind that gets you to submit that short story, write that novel, paint that picture, run that race, because if you’re not crazy confident you’ll talk yourself out of it. Crazy confidence is not about buying easy-sounding solutions. It’s about DOING something that changes your life. I know, kind of confusing. Manana.
WHY IS SOMEONE ELSE’S WAY OF SEEING YOU MORE REAL THAN THE WAY YOU CHOOSE TO SEE YOURSELF?
It’s not like their opinion is right. It’s JUST THEIR OPINION.
This year we are going to LAUGH, LAUGH, LAUGH. And anytime anyone doubts us, most particularly ourselves, we are going to have this sentence pop out of our mouths: “You know, I’ve been thinking about it and I just realized I would look great in a string bikini.”
And when others scoff, pass out or threaten to have us picked up by the men in the white jackets, we’ll ask, “Which is more important? The world I can touch? Or the world to which I AM RESPONDING?” To which others will say, “You’re crazy.” And you’ll say, “Great. 
It’s working.”
**The unbelievable optimism from the federal highway department: On the endless nothingness of IH 8 between Yuma, Arizona and El Centro, California, along the shoulder are signs saying, “No parking except in case of emergency.” Now there’s optimism. Someone’s going to park there for a picnic?
Inner Torturer
Apr 28th
Hey, in case you do not have a well-developed INNER TORTURER, or a spouse, relative, or friend willing to teach you to DOUBT YOURSELF, there’s always Dr. L. Perfect on the radio.
You can call in and she’ll give you the words to beat yourself up with. Regularly.
How to Be Fabulous
Apr 27th
“The most important, most life-determining, conversation you have, is the conversation you have with yourself.”
What have you told yourself about you so far today? Okay, now that we KNOW: People who SEE THEMSELVES as BETTER LIKED than they actually are . . . 
As more SUCCESSFUL than they are . . .
As more ATTRACTIVE than they are . . .
As more INTELLIGENT than they are . . .
Those people have MORE FUN in life.
Hey, I’m for more fun. 
But I’m tired and envious just from making the above list. Reading it doesn’t MAKE ME feel refreshed and ready to hit Broadway. What I’m thinking is, “Sheesh, what’s wrong with me that I’m not kicking up my heels every hour of everyday?”
Oh, noooooo. Now I remember. It’s hard to change.
If getting a grip on the on your EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM were easy, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.
Since it isn’t easy, we usually attempt an EXTERNAL solution– that is, we try to change other people’s response to us– by doing the list of things, and buying the endless image changers, offered every single month in every single magazine–
To an INTERNAL problem– the habitual conversation with have with ourselves. Since we’re strategists, we: 1) expect situations to repeat; 2) study what we did in the past; 3) rehearse new material; and, 4) practice, practice, practice.
First, there is an ACTION. Example: Someone says to you, “It’s all your fault. As usual, you are not listening.” 
Second, you PERCEIVE. You hear and absorb, “It’s all your fault. As usual, you are not listening.” I know, perceiving seems so obvious, but it’s not. How much of what you see and hear depends on the spounginess of your Emotional Guidance System, how “ready” to hear and see you are.
Third, you INTERPRET. You decide what– “It’s all your fault. As usual, you are not listening,” –MEANS.
Forth, you MAKE UP A STORY. 
You take your INTERPRETATION of what you think– “It’s all your fault. As usual, you are not listening” –means, and develop a DRAMA. “Your saying that shows you do not love me, respect me, want to please me.”
Then, you RESPOND. (And, of course, if you’re me, the first words out are: “Now look how YOU MADE ME feel.”) 
So, what can you do? 
How can you take charge?
What does perception, interpretation, and making up stories have to do with the “conversation you have with yourself”?
Later . . . manana.
Reaction or Over-reaction?
Apr 22nd
The Horse In the Cattle Guard Incident
Summers during college I taught riding at a day camp. One morning I arrived driving a Volkswagen busload of kids to see Blackjack, a horse I’d bought at auction the day before, stood screaming, one of his legs jammed down in the cattle guard.
Note: Examples may be used more than once. I cannot keep up with what I’ve used in a current clinical session or reported here. Uncle. Defeat. Can’t do it.
Okay. Back to Blackjack, the big, old, raw-boned, hundred dollar horse that was perfect for carrying beginners for a few weeks. Unfamiliar with the cattle guard, he’d stepped through the bars and was ramming his bloody hoof upward, over and over, in an attempt to escape his problem. He was clearly in terrible pain and desperate to improve his circumstances.
So why didn’t he do what would work instead of doing the SAME THING, which clearly did not only NOT WORK, but was causing more and more DAMAGE? 
If Blackjack could have called on his THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEM, he would have have thought . . . “Hmm . . . if I got my hoof down between these bars . . . if it fit going down . . . then, if I slow down, study my situation, and THINK . . . I can get my hoof back up through the bars.
But Blackjack didn’t have access to his THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEM. Later that morning he was put down.
Now, we’re not ”putting anyone down” here, but how often do we do to ourselves what Blackjack did to his leg?
When we worry about events we can’t control? When we can’t stop bickering? 
When we drive too fast? When we hold a grudge? When we refuse to apologize? When we can’t stop apologizing? When we get into someone else’s business? When we complain and complain 
even though we know we’re bringing other people down and turning them off? When we say negative things about someone else? When we say negative things about ourselves? 
When we can’t say clearly what we will do and won’t do? When we can stop criticising?
We are pulling a Blackjack. We are being a Blackjack.
More tomorrow on being more in charge of your reactions.
Reader Response