Bumper sticker on the back windshield of a car:  I HATE STUPID PEOPLE.  Ouch.  

In the nonfiction I’ve started (See: Beyond Stress Management, Defining a Self with a Smile), I’ve asked fellow travelers to sign the following pledge.

I,_____________, am as nuts as everyone else on the planet.  As a start on freedom.  To get out from under the burden of a life spent trying to convince ourselves and others that we aren’t.

Is this asking too much?  Maybe.  My special person read the pledge and said, “Whoa!  Lots of people are going to balk at admitting that.”    “That’s just the point,” I say, “the whole point of the book is to quit taking ourselves so seriously all the time.”   He said, ”Maybe that’s what you’re thinking, but I think you will find out most people would rather believe in their superiority.”

“But defending our superiority, defending the idea that we are the only ones who know how to do things right, takes so much time and energy.  We have to be on guard all the time, fending off evidence, arguing, and uselessly trying to convince other people that we are ‘right’ and they are ‘wrong’.  I’m not saying each of us doesn’t have a point of view.  I’m not talking about religious beliefs or political leanings or decisions on how to raise children…I’m talking about the time wasted on issues that don’t matter, time wasted being anxious…whether you should pre-soak stains, avoid sugar, avoid television, drive in the right lane, private school over public school, seek plastic surgery…  I’m talking about letting go of ‘being right’ as a way of life.”

Still, my special person said, “I don’t think your pledge is going to fly.”  Which of course threw me instantly into trying to convince I was right and he was wrong about pledges and how they fly. 

And I held my ground that most people would enjoy the relief of admitting equal nuttiness with our co-inhabitants…I held it until I saw the “I HATE STUPID PEOPLE” sticker.  For sure the owner of the sticker finds stupid people all over the place.  People who spend money, treat their pets, choose professions, choose sports teams, choose books…stupidly.  I wouldn’t want to be married to someone who was ”sensitized” to ”stupid” people, since I’m sure I would fulfill his expectations on a regular basis.  I wouldn’t want to be in his family.  Egad, what if your boss was a “I hate stupid people” fan?   

Maybe “I..H..S..P” guy wouldn’t sign a pledge, maybe IHSPeople guy would say only stupid people would sign such a pledge.  But that’s okay.  I won’t even argue about his choice.  Who has time and energy for that struggle?

 

 

It’s Your Movie, and Welcome to It

“Which is more important?  The world that exists?  Or, the world you are responding to?”

Consider this situation.  You are tired, though the day is young. In your hand or in your mind, have a list of tasks for the day.  You’re going to exercise, finish up several home projects and eatat least two servings of fresh fruits. The truth be told, you’ve had the same list for days, maybe weeks. When you wrote the list, you were optimistic, you were confident you would follow through. But today, with the way you feel, you’ll be lucky to not lose ground on every front of your life. You certainly do not have the positive outlook and enthusiasm to tackle new projects, no matter how over due. You have a slight headache. You reach for a cola and a couple of cookies. Maybe you’re coming down with something. You dread interacting with other people….Maybe a coffee or one of those energy drinks would help. Maybe one of each.

Then you pick up your email.  The children’s story you wrote is being published in a major magazine!  Your favorite friend is coming for a visit!

Power, energy, and ideas swell up in your body. The muscles of your legs and arms, a moment earlier weighing you down like slabs of concrete, are now warm with vigor. Ideas, plans, and actions take over your mind. You jump into shorts and a T-shirt. You can get in a half hour of walking before you start your work day.  You grab a pad of paper, creative ideas are whirling in your brain and you don’t want to chance missing a one. You back out of your driveway waving to your neighbors and singing alone with the radio.

What happened?  The world—you, other people, events, and all the other parts of life—did not change.  The effort to “Define a Self with a Smile” is about trying to catch the power of that little moment when the energy changed.  To join the journey toward a self with a smile takes a willingness to smile at yourself.

If you’d like to jump on the fast track, here’s step one.  Fill in the blank below and you’re signed on for the trip.

Pledge 1:  I, ______________, am as nuts as every other person on the planet. 

Dateline:  Going live here.  Airport, Austin, Texas.  Goal: Chicago and certain unfamiliar spots in eastern Iowa and Illinois.  (I, a product of the hot sidewalks of Falfurrias, Texas, and other near-border villiages, none of which you have ever heard of, I am not disparaging the rural and small town.)

****Remember, I show you my trembling journey because you, too, are working on becoming more of  A SELF-DESIGNED PERSON?  Because you, too, want to better manage the anxiety keeping you in chains and wasting your life?… If this isn’t true… if you don’t have any of these issues…there’s always Dr. Laura.

Random Emotional Guidance System Self-talk:  “I don’t want to go.  I’m too tired.  My special person just had three surgeries in ten days.  (Good surgeries…the kind done to help you function better.)  I’m still not recovered from book launch party as I am congenitally deficit when it comes to hosting crowds….My feet are already are killing me and I didn’t have time to get a pedicure so that my appearance as a street person is complete… I have too much junk to carry…I don’t have any idea where I’m supposed to go…who I’m supposed to meet…and did not I go to graduate school SPECIFICALLY because I’m not good at selling stuff?” 

Emotional Guidance System is now in PRIMAL WHINE mode.

Specific Emotional Guidance System “WHAT IF”  Fear-inducing Statements in order of CRITICAL IMPORTANCE:

1) WHAT IFs concerned with appearing “cool and in-charge”:  (These fearful statements are the fertilizer for ‘blah’ feelings.)

“What if I show up at the book-signing without enough books and come off as silly for going to so much effort?”  Even more tragic, “What if I brought too many books and look silly and amateurish?”… “What if I get a lousy, unimpressive rental car?”  Or worse, “What if Avis only has SUVs left like happened a couple of weeks ago in L.A. and, like then, I underestimate the height of the vehicle and rip out a couple of water pipes out of the ceiling of the Hilton parking garage?  What if I over-react like I did then, back up wildly, and pop off that striped garage entry arm like it was a toothpick?”…  “What if I’m the oldest fattest worst dressed person there…given the chipped toenails and all?”

2} WHAT Ifs concerned with “survival”:  (These fearful statements actually stir up a little energy, though survival is a concern coming in a distant second to the concern to come across cool and sophisticated.) 

“What if I can’t find Galena, Illinois and Dubuque, Iowa?  What if it’s too hot?  What if it’s scary?  What if it’s rush hour traffic when I leave O’Hare in my rental car? What if, if I’m fortunate enough to find Dubuque, but room service is closed down by the time I get there?”

By the way, the need to appear cool and in-charge pretty much ended my ill-fated, short-lived relationship with skiing.  I know, I know…catching the lift seat under your rear is easy (right); and no one crashes off the lift after landing on her face the first four or five times…well, guess what?  I can handle my lack of cool in most circumstances and I looked as hot and with it as anyone else buried in my ski togs, goggles and wooly hat….but….it was the screaming that got to me…not mine…I refused to utter a peep as careened off the lift chair, gave a little swush, then accomplished more triple axels and whirling manuevers than an Olympic figure skater on crack…before sliding on my face until an act of nature ended by journey.  The watchers…the really cool ones…they were screaming in fear.  They screamed, too, everytime I got knocked down by the next lift chair when I tried to get up from my first fall. Bunch of weinnies. 

Okay, Illinois and Iowa.  Here I come.  Be gentle.  My knees are shot.

“Which is more important?  The world you can touch?  Or the world you are making up and responding to?

The Thinking Guidance System begs us to use facts.  The Emotional Guidance System uses fears and cheap shot expectations.

An important element in our writing and directing our own little version of the world…is sensitivity.  As you move through the world, what little pieces jump out of the tapestry and grow until they really, really bug you?  Maybe your hyper-awareness even takes on so much power that you MUST splatter your fears and exaggerations on other people. 

For example, yesterday I read an article written by a mental health professional on how ”the media” influences public perception of emotional illness. (We don’t have to guess the direction on this one.) Her example of media irresponsibility was Monk. According to the expert, because Monk has Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and yet sees a therapist regularly…the American people believe that OCD cannot be effectively treated.  Beyond the cry…”It’s entertainment, lady.  Not a public service announcement.”… element, I’m not convinced that her conclusion holds water.  Poor deceived woman was paying so much attention to something that pricked a personal fear, she wrote an article.

Then, this morning, even more proof of how goofy and twisted we are putting together our version of the world… landed in my lap. I’m rubbing the sleep out of my eyes and the spouse has on ESPN.  I’m okay with that, I like sports.  But today…what’s the big feature?  Model Brooklyn Decker, wife of Andy Roddick.  Each segment opened with a video clip of Brooklyn Decker in a bikini on the beach, winking seductively at the camera followed by a variety of revealing poses. 

“Now what does she have to with sports?” I asked the man now diving for the shower like it was a foxhole. “And,” I continued, kindly raising my voice so he could hear me in the other room. Because what I’m saying is not just important, it’s crucial that he understand the gravity of what I’m saying. I went on to say, “It is ridiculous how this is a news story because a tennis player has a wife that looks good naked.  Don’t people get how sick this is?  What kind of message are we sending our kids?  Don’t Brookyn and Andy even GET that the only reason he married her is because she looks good on his arm and she only gave HIM the time of day because he is famous and really, really rich.  What kind of crummy relationship is based on superficial features like that?  I mean, don’t you think those two people are miserable?…Well, don’t you?…”  I heard the shower turn on.  Then I realized my Emotional Guidance System coached folly.  Oops.  …Oh, dear. 

Years of training and experience enables those of us who study the mind to read people better and faster than those without such training.  Proof, you ask?  Why just the other day I’m aboard my private executive cubby, Seat 21F  American Airlines, on a long ride from Seattle. 

Previously, I have mentioned that my “employees” serving my executive cubby capsule have tapped right into my Emotional Guidance System (Notice, I, do not dip into my trouble-stirring my Emotional Guidance System—THEY do it.  They reach right inside of my head and give the ole Emotional Guidance System a twist.)… by running out of peanuts before reaching my seat, not to mention other obviously intentional slights involving timing of treats and lack of special treatment.

I was hideously betrayed on this particular four and a half hour flight by a flight attendent who should know how fragile I am and yet, did not consider my needs for special treatment. The doors were about to close.  I’m breathing a sigh of relief because the middle seat is empty.  I consider this treat extremely important.  In fact, when the seat is empty my sense of specialness gets a sick little boost.  Then… they let on a stand-by passenger…the relieved soul staggers down the aisle…clearly so happy to be on board he’s willing to take any seat… Then…this is where I am dastardly betrayed….

The flight attendant, who should be thinking of nothing by my comfort, actually says, “There’s a middle by here on the exit row 21, sir.”

I know.  I, too, was horrified.  What’s wrong with these people?  I force a smile as I remove my computer, three books, mini-computer, pizza in a bag, and miscellaneous equipment from the middle seat.  The inconsiderate passenger plops right in, no apology…nothing.  My Emotional System, that part of my brain designed to get rid of anxiety, launches a rather steamy inner dialogue:  “Why did she have to say that?  Now I won’t be as comfortable, won’t be able to get as much accomplished.  What a waste.  I can’t believe this.  This shouldn’t be happening.”

But I was able to call on my Thinking Guidance System and lay out the facts. I could still work.  The extra room would have been nice, but just possibly the flight attendent’s suggestion had been an innocent attempt to be helpful.  I was cool. AND  THEN….came the discovery that the middle man brought with him the unmistakable fragrance of a young man who’d skipped his shower for several days.  Did I mention this was a long flight? Remarkably, I answered my Emotional Guidance System, which was exaggerating the situation, with facts.  Primarily the fact that we humans habituate to smells quickly.

My orientation toward Middle Seat Guy mellowed further noticing his rather splotchy haircut and that he spent his time carefully and slowly reading the “Sky Mall” catalog.  He read it three times and I became aware that he was studying the pictures and not reading.  In fact, his movements, his haircut, and even his odor made me aware that the man was mentally challenged.  I recalled the blank, rather desperate look on his face as he came on the plane at the last minute.  I understood why the flight attendant had made a special effort to find him a seat.  I forgave her.  Middle Seat Man then took out the safety card and studied the drawings.  Then he dropped his head and looked around for something else with pictures.  I felt badly for him and thought about giving him one of the two mysteries from the seat pocket in front of me, but I didn’t want to embarrass him into admitting the texts were more than he could read.  So I held back to save his pride.

Halfway through the flight Middle Seat Guy retrieved something from his luggage in the overhead bin.  He returned to his seat, flipped open his computer, and worked on electrical engineering plans for the rest of the flight.

The woman who ended her life in a stand-off with police, (Antidepressants, the Truth, and a Tribute, Pt.1) wouldn’t have seen herself as worthy of a tribute. But if she could have one, she would have wanted something that could help other people. 

After she thanked everyone who tried to help her.

No one chooses to be depressed. Just like everyone I’ve even seen with depression, she tried very, very hard for days and weeks and then years. Does anyone really think that a depressed person would say “No!” if offered a pill that would help? 

I make this tribute to the woman who tried hard, but lost, as she would have wanted it. That is, by honoring everyone of you who has, as she did, courageously taken medication in the face of exhausting and debilitating side effects.  Antidepressants aren’t magic and every one of them has side effects.  Few people can find the not-perfect, but best fit between side effects and positive results –with the first perscription.  The woman who finally gave up, bravely took one medication after another, always hopeful that one day she would see in a sunset the awe-inspiring beauty  typical people take for granted. 

And there’s how depression turns other people off.  Here was a woman who knew that when friends or relatives or even her doctors saw her coming, they felt dread.  She knew she’d gone from being a blessing to being a burden.  She took more medication hopeful that one day her friends and relatives would see her coming and feel some of the old welcome. She put up with the muscles twitches, the overpowering fatigue, the sleepless nights, the confusion…hoping that one day she’d approach others and see towards her… the kind of easiness her friends and relatives experienced around everyone…it seemed to her…everyone but her.

“What has happened to me?”  She’d ask.  “I’m not who I used to be and I can’t find her anymore.”

Taking medication is hard.  I have the greatest respect for each person willing to take antidepressents. Depression and Bipolar Disorder are biological realities that if we are lucky enough to not have in our genes, we should kiss the ground and never forget how blessed we are. Imagine, feeling blessed because a smile bubbles up when you watch a puppy at play.  Kiss the ground. We did not do anything to deserve this automatic response, this easy access to joy. Neither does a depressed person do anything to lose that easy access to joy.

 

Antidepressants are good medicine. The medications we have available now are a hundred times more patient friendly and side effect free when compared to what was available when I first worked at a hospital. I am most definitely not suggesting the use of medications contributed to suicide.  I’m saying that psychotropic medications are limited; medication isn’t the cure most people think. Less than one-third of people taking anti-depressants get an “adequate” response, one third experience a little positive change and life-dampening side effects, and one-third have more symptoms than they did without medications.

To each and every one of you who has braved medication, who has struggled to feel the joy most people take for granted–hats off.

“Everything fun is dangerous.”

This T-Shirt caption had me thinking how each person has their own comfort zone.  How, for example, for some people horses and writing are in that comfort space and website development means stepping just beyond and being anxious like crazy. Anxiety is the body’s response to real or perceived threats. How could learning a skill be threatening? 

Learning a new skill can be threatening if you have the belief you are supposed to already know everything, or have the belief that everything should be easy for you.

Which got me to thinking, ”To what degree have I let my choices be determined by my Emotional Guidance System’s desire to avoid anxiety?” To what degree have I held others back, my Emotional Guidance System in charge and tossing out all sorts of scary things like “What if __happens. . . .But, what if__ . . .”

Oh, I probably shoud mention the picture on the T-shirt caption showed a flaming skeleton on a Harley.

  Ouch.  Feelings are crap?  What about love? What about empathy? What about caring about people?  Okay, take a breath.  I’m not talking right now about those feelings.  I’m talking about fear, panic, dread, underconfidence, worry, and self-criticism.  (Sometimes “love” and “empathy” are problems, too.  Such as when we are anxious about another person’s safety, well-being, happiness, or their caring for us–we deny those emotions and attribute our anxiety to love. But, that’s for another day.) (Why I can’t accept comments and why my Twitter doesnt’ work? Also, another day.)

Why are feelings such a problem?  Because “feelings” get hold of our energy, our drive, and, in some case, turn us into difficult people. Feelings spring from BELIEFS WE HOLD THAT ARE NOT TRUE, but seem very real and we will defend them to the death.  At least I will, no matter how many people from how many different countries have to suffer.

Belief One:  When I make a plan, that plan should unfold as I planned.

Belief Two:  When I have said I will be back on the job at a certain time on a certain day, if I do not arrive as promised, the world will never be the same.

These two beliefs form the cornerstone of my philosophy when on holiday.  Thus, on being informed by the American Airlines counter person that the London-DFW flight was delayed due to mechanical problems–I responded as anyone in my position with my beliefs would.  I gasped for breath, asked fourteen insulting questions, then sprinted down to the cafe to fill my spouse in on the HORRIBLE mess we were into. After five minutes or so of my raving, he looked up and said, “Well, there’s nothing we can do about it.   Might as well order some breakfast.”

“What?”    I assumed he couldn’t possibly have comprehended the depth and horror of what I was saying, “This is terrible. Delay in London is not in my PLAN. Who knows how long we’ll be delayed? I’m not going to get enough sleep and I’ll be worn out and I have a bunch of important appointments…you know they aren’t telling us the truth, don’t you?  American Airlines doesn’t care that I have timed my return with great effort.  American does not care about me or you at all, you do realize that?”

“Hmmm…” he says, “maybe we should go ahead and get lunch, it’s close to noon….Those sandwiches over there look pretty good.”

“Sandwiches? What are you, crazy?  How can you even THINK about food? They’re lying to me, I know they are. Don’t you care about what I’m going through? They know we’re going to be sitting here for hours just wasting our lives, but their keeping that a secret so we don’t jump airlines!”

“Oh, yeah,” he says, “I’m sure American Airlines wants to be absolute sure that you get on one of their planes today.”

“That’s not funny!” I go on to describe, in a repeating topic fashion, how what has happened is not AN INCONVENIENCE as he’s pretending. The delay is terrible, awful, I can’t stand it, and American Airlines doesn’t even care!

The point of this is how helpful anxiety-driven catastrophizing “feelings” can be. Ulcers, extra weight, nubby fingernails, arguing, insomnia, and avoidance–don’t come out of nowhere. They must be nurtured by the Unfounded Beliefs touted by the EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM. 

  We make psychology sound way too hard and try to accomplish too much.  At least that’s what I think after all these years in practice.  Of course, there’s always the chance I’m just not very good at my profession.

If we could figure out a way to do teach people how to manage this one little change that goes on inside our heads . . . We would accomplish something worthwhile.  We can do long division in our head, it makes no sense that this one little thing is so hard without random help from outside ourselves. 

. . . It’s a dreary day, it seems like there’s too much to do   and as if time is dragging at the same time. . . You have no energy and you’re pretty sure there’s something wrong with your foot. There’s that cold virus going around, too.  That’s it. You’re probably getting sick, which is why you have the pain behind your forehead.  Not severe enough to lie down, but some caffiene stoked Excedrin is definitely in order. ”Maybe I’m depressed . . .” you’re thinking.  You reach in the fridge, pick up a lite yougart and check the calories.  “Yes! This new kind has 80 calories instead of 100 calories in your old brand just like they said in the ad!”  And you think this realization is A REAL THING. A difference worth chasing.  You have lost the will for a quality life.

Then the phone rings.  Good news!  A friend’s coming to visit, you won a fifty-dollar gift certificate,  or, who knows . . . a piece of the lottery. 

And now, you’re queen of the energy universe!  You have your EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM working for you. You know it’s the same dreary day . . . but wait a minute . . . No it’s not the same old day. Plans, plans, plans. Can’t take Excedrin or I’ll shoot through the roof.  Who cares about all those smarmy chores? You’ll do them later.  Better yet, you’ll do them now!

If managing this little perk up was easy–this country wouldn’t have a drug problem and I’m sure fewer people would end up ordering commemorative coins in the middle of the night.

My advice?  MUSIC.  At least that’s what I’m saying up front.  The truth?  I’ll have to get to know you better.

Why no comments?  Because I have met the devil and his name is SPAM.

 If you were famous enough to have YOUR OWN ACTION FIGURE would you have Self Confidence and Self Esteem?  More to nail on the Psychobabble Wall of Things that Aren’t True:  If you get enough Praise . . . you will have SELF CONFIDENCE  and SELF ESTEEM. 

But wait!  Praise is a good thing, right? After all, praise makes us FEEL good. We’ve even told parents and teachers that praise (social reinforcement) is the way to get kids to accomplish tasks. We’ve told husbands and wives that praising their spouses can MAKE THEM FEEL LOVED.  Can’t get too much praise, can’t give too much praise . . . right? 

Maybe.  But, What is, “Do these pants make me look fat?”  but one more attempt to suck approval out of another person and duck responsibility for ourselves? (By the way, you regular readers know and have taken the pledge to never, ever, ask anyone that question, or any similar question. You guys remember that any part of your body or personality that you complain about grows to enormous proportions in the eyes of the other.) 

The problem is, if you buy that enough love and praise results in Self Confidence and Self Esteem, it follows then that, if you DO NOT FEEL loaded up with these feathery showstoppers, self-confidence and self-esteem, you must have–somewhere along the line–missed out on sufficient praise.  Now, I wish the worst part of this misguided notion is that we will overblame others (See “What’s Love Got to Do With It?)  . . . but that’s not the worst part.  The most damaging result of this belief is believing –   “I don’t have self confidence and self esteem because I did not get the love and praise I needed AND I did not get the love and praise I needed to be a person with self confidence and self esteem BECAUSE I’M NOT DESERVING OF LOVE and PRAISE”.  And that’s just not right. The whole chase approval, get praise routine is a dead end.  The movie The Wrestler speaks to this issue with clarity, pain, and beauty.   

Warning:  Plot information to follow.  If you haven’t seen The Wrestler and you want to be surprised, stop now. Also, you probably want to avoid the movie if a lot of nudity, a lot, is going to bother you. 

The Wrestler, Randy the Ram (Mickey Rourke), reaches physical maturity to discover he doesn’t know how to participate in adult relationships.  At about the same time he starts spending hours at the gym and learns what body-building enhancing drugs can do for him.  Wha-la!  The Ram is getting noticed.  Being admired.  He even has his own Randy the Ram action toy on the market.

Tomorrow:  Is having an action toy in your image the same as being a real person?

 

 

 

 The woman who lost 100 pounds on burgers is an example of someone who could listen to her THINKING self amidst the crowds telling her what she should do. 

Well, doc, you say, when do we get to HOW to engage the THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEM?

Now.  A start.  Your THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEM is in gear when YOUR BEST THINKING is your point of reference for decisions.  Remember, only your TGS considers options in a thoughtful way, your EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM , has only one goal (no matter what rubberly rationalization you’re using) and that one thing is —-

    do whatever you have to do to rid yourself of anxiety.   

An easy place to start the task of recognizing when we are slipping from our thinking point of reference to an emotionally driven position, is to talk about FUSION.  FUSION …is when your actions and “feelings” are determined, not by your own thinking point of reference, but determined by “catching” the anxiety of another. 

Examples:

A woman on a plane is reading a novel.  The man next to her asks what she’s reading. She shows him the title and says she really likes the author.  The man sneers and replies staring out the window, “Yeah, I guess if you can’t read more complex works-you have to stay with books like that.”  (Do you feel it?)

 While in graduate school I went on a cruise with a friend who was doing a seminar for “Adult Children of Alcoholics” (a fad diagnosis that has, gladly, passed). I was able to pay minimal cost as an additional person in the seminar leader’s cabin. The first day I attended an introductory group session in which emotional overdrive and ”group-think” were in high gear.   Group-think happens in low functioning gatherings in which each participant is encouraged to become “one” with the group by confessing similar experiences. Refusal to become “one” with the group is labelled as insanity or denial. When it was my time to “join” I thought back really hard to uncover how my life had been affected by addiction.  Then I had it.   I actually said that I was affected by addiction when my mother was ill and taking cortisone to stay alive. (Which didn’t work all that long. She died at barely 42.) 

The point?  Before I felt the suck of the group anxiety, I’d NEVER thought of my mother’s desperate efforts to deal with her fatal illness as CAUSING ME to GO THROUGH the wretched helplessness and personal trauma–of an adult survivor from a drug-distorted home.  Never.  But for those shining few minutes… I’d given up mom… and REALITY… to be part of the group.

The really scary part was that I didn’t realize until after the meeting what had transpired.  How I’d lost (given up) my point of reference.  What if I hadn’t realized what happened?  What if the warm affirmation of the group had propelled me into a life living out a new label?

Just saying.  Later.  More fusion.

  About the woman told the priest about her dream and asked if gossip was a sin.  He sent her on with instructions to take a pillow up to the roof of her house that night, plunge a knife into it, and return the next day.

She did and the priest asked what happened when she stabbed the pillow.

“Feathers,” she said.  Now we have a little lesson here . . . but hark!  The lesson has nothing to do with the kind of gossip that goes on BETWEEN PEOPLE.  The lesson is that each of us has inside of us an

INNER TORTURER. . .   stabbing our brain and poofing down all sorts of  “WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?”  “YOU CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT,” “YOU ARE JUST NOT UP TO THIS LIFE THING!”

In other words, your EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM is a big, fluffy sack of self-doubting feathers, just waiting for you to jab them into action. 

And, I for one, in 2009 am going to do something about it!

Note:  The reason I do not keep up with or publish comments is because this computer has in it a monster with a pillow full of SPAM which makes life hell.  No where in the ballpark with my lovely

INNER TORTURER,  but them my PERSONAL I.T. has had many more years of, pretty much, uninterrupted experience.

  From “Doubt:” A woman was talking to a friend saying something unflattering about a man she did not know well.    That night she had a dream in which a large hand hovered over her, the index finger pointing down to her head.  The next day she goes to Confession and asks the priest: “Father is gossip a sin?”

The priest instructed the woman: “Go home and tomorrow morning take a pillow up to your roof and stab it open with a sharp knife.  Then come back to see me.”

AND THEN . . .  manana.  It’s big and it’s about other and self esteem and how to make it on this planet. And about how our EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEMS  . . .  DESIGN WHAT WE SEE IN OURSELVES AND OTHER PEOPLE. 

Optimism from television ads: (I know, I’m giving away my secret hours.)

Ads that offer you a FREE advertising video, a FREE brochure, a FREE quote.  Do they actually think that some of us out here watching are saying, “Look at that, babe!  We can get a thirty minute commercial-free commercial DVD!”     or “Do you hear that babe? We can get another paper advertisement in the mail! (thereby putting ourselves on a PRIMO sales list),” or “Babe, look we can call up the insurance company for a FREE QUOTE, thus providing them with an unsolicited opportunity to enter the high PRESSURE sales zone.”

 What can I say?   I’ve talked before about how hard it is, how bloody hard, to truly change daily functioning . . . so that life isn’t completely run by the EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM.  And, boy, is it. I promised to describe a time when my THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEM was in charge-with the fettucine (see “The Fettucine Incident”-and what did I do? I described one more time when the EGS got the best of me.

That’s how hard this is.  I’ve taken and taught programs taking several years and at the close, some folks (not me, of course, as I’ve proven I have this emotional maturity gig conquered) are not able to describe or “know” the difference between the EGS and the THINKING GUIDANCE system. 

This happens, of course, since the EGS’s role in life is to GET RID OF ANXIETY.  The EGS is always telling us that our feelings are thoughts.  For example: ordering room service fettucine at eleven pm that fateful night, my “thoughts” are telling me there’s no problem having pasta this late.  After all, I’m really hungry (somehow, this fact seems to justify all sorts of ill-conceived actions) . . . . My THINKNG GUIDANCE SYSTEM (had it had a flying chance) would have pondered my predicament and asked, “hmm, and the last time you missed lunch and ended up starving at almost midnight in a hotel room. . . and you ordered the pasta . . . Say, how’d that work out for you?”

 Answer: let’s just say tv at three in the morning in Las Vegas features mostly smirky personal injury law firms and vegetable chopping instruments.

I’m not radio Dr.L.  I mess up a lot.   I’m writing about it because this is maybe a gift I can give. Maybe you guys out there (Welcome A from Canada.) can gain a little ground with me.

Or at least have a little fun. 

  “The BowFlex has given me more than new strength, it’s given me a new LIFE.  Nutrisystem has given me more than a new body, it’s given me a new LIFE.  This xx allery medication has given me more than clear breath, it’s given me LIFE.”

Oh, if only we could really experience a better life by obtaining something, eating programed food, or taking a pill. 

We can’t.  Think about it.  If it really worked, WOULD EVERY SINGLE, NOT MISSING ONE, ALL so-called women’s magazines HAVE A NEW DIET ON THE COVER EVERY MONTH?

These “articles” and info-mercials are dead ends.  I do admit their allure.  It’s even worse in other countries where their is no attempt to even flash the unreadable disclaimers across the bottom of the screen.  In Mexico you can buy a jar of fat-sucking gel.    This way you can choose the places where you want the fat to come off (One jar per household, please.)  You can order a box of patches (just pay shipping and handling) which you can place on the area you want to reduce “and have the NEWLY DISCOVERED SECRET work through the night.”

Buying something, even temporarily changing your body, does not work. Maybe you get a short spurt of false esteem but that’s it.

There is a way though.  We can work toward CHANGING the way we RESPOND.  We can, with very hard work, CHANGE our AUTOMATIC ways of THINKING to take better care of ourselves. 

Your brain is in your body.  No one else can take care of your FEELINGS.  No one else can change your THOUGHTS.

So, here’s the job for 2009.  I’ve always been intrigued about the phenomenon that when a son or daughter has been absolutely proven to have committed brutal murder, the parents still believe their child is innocent.  The theories for who did the crime are bizarre.  And what about that husband in North Texas who, after his wife was shown to be the only person who could have (and did) stab their two sons to death–still claims his wife as a maligned angel?

I know, weird way to get to the point.  But 2009 is when we work toward having a friend life that in our corner.  Ourselves. 

No, we’re not going to murder anyone.  We’re actually going to be a lot nicer. 

Taking care of you is the kindest thing you can do for those around you.  You can’t be loving when you’re angry at you.  You can’t reach your dreams if you’re not backing yourself with wild commitment.

2009, I’m ready.    ARE YOU?

  Ever since the first hideous air dryer was planted in a public restroom with a label informing me that the semi-useless contraption was put there FOR MY CONVENIENCE, I’ve gotten a kick out of “spin” signs.  

I mention thatis because I had a topic for today but have come down with something–Oh, wait, that’s not what’s going on.  That would suggest something’s wrong.  I notice at the gym, machines that are broken are given a sign saying, “This machine is currently being serviced.” 

There’s no one around doing the serivicing.  I liked that spin.  I am currently being serviced.  Uh-oh, out at the stable, that has a whole different meaning. 

Later.

  Usually, when someone first comes into my office, what they’re wanting to know is:  “How can I keep doing what I’m already doing, and get a DIFFERENT RESULT? 

   People are fairly predictable, so why aren’t we using that to improve our lives?  We are each one predictable in how we manage anxiety.  Do you try to take control?  Try to get the other to change?  Do you withdraw?    Sink in defeat?  Have a cheesecake?  Gossip?

Oh, all these options are grim.  And we’ve CHOSEN to create a world for ourselves that is lovely and joyful.    We have decided to be like our grandfather who died with a great big smile on his face instead of meeting death screaming and crying like the other passengers in his car.

  Many people don’t have any idea what goes on when psychotherapy is effective. 

Effective psychotherapy is not:

FEELING BETTER when you leave the session because you’ve “vented.”    This kind of psychotherapy can make things worse by supporting the following misconceptions:

1.  Venting improves lives and relationships. 

2.  The psychologist, because he can tolerate your venting, is a much better person to be emotionally intimate with than your spouse or family.

3.  If people love you (spouse, family) they should put up with anything, including your venting which is laced with criticisms and claims of victimhood.

4.  Having not been challenged to THINK, you leave your session more convinced than ever that YOUR MADE UP VERSION of the WORLD and EVENTS and the PEOPLE in your relationship system    –is indeed correct. 

That’s where we’re going with this.  REAL CHANGE is difficult because to CHANGE your BEHAVIOR, you must first CHANGE YOUR MIND.

Really.  You have to accept that what you respond to on a daily basis is not THE WORLD, but the STORY YOU’VE MADE UP ABOUT THE WORLD   based on facts plus lots and lots of powerful ANXIETY.

Are you willing to challenge your own mindset? 

Are you willing to consider that your spouse IS NOT the person you’re convinced he is?    (Now, we’re not talking paranoia, but going the other way.  Is it just possible he’s a more caring, kinder, brighter person than you ever thought possible?)

What would your life be like if you gave him the benefit of the doubt?  Jumped to the best possible assumption instead of the worst?  (He’s late because he’s a selfish, disorganized, uncaring person.   Or add in a worse case senario that puts yourself down.  He’s late because he doesn’t respect me, because I’m a doormat, because I’m not attractive.)

Yes.  I know it sounds ridiculous to think a husband would not bother to be on time because his wife was not as attractive as she used to be–but somebody’s buying all those exercise machines, programed meals, four stage cosmetic routines.

   “Tell me, Doc.  How can I keep doing what I’m already doing, but get a DIFFERENT RESULT?” 

In relationship counseling, each person comes in essentially asking, “How can I keep doing what I’m already doing–but get a different response from by chosen other?”

After thirty years of “practicing” psychology, I don’t know specifically what actions will work to improve a particular relationship.  I do know which behaviors more or less guarantee failure.

Think of it as if you are standing in a clearing in a forest.  Narrow trails sprout from the edges of the clearning into the trees.  I don’t know which of the trails will end up where you want to be, but I do know which trails will lead you to a dead end or worse.

The first of these is the trail that reads:  I can improve this relationship and my pleasure in this relationship by CONVINCING THE OTHER TO CHANGE.

Who’s in charge?  Don’t you want to be in charge? 

I’ve had thirty years of marriage, too.  And, like any good spouse, I have applied this YOU CHANGE approach daily, even giving hour by hour suggestions.  And, yet, the man goes on being himself.  What’s up with that?

Where do I turn.  Then, there’s the mirror.  Eek!   Me?  I have to change me? 

But that’s hard.

Challenge One:  Take charge of what goes on inside your chest cavity.  Your feelings.  That bundle of energy or hope or whatever it is that determines the expression on our faces, the energy and optimism or lack of joy with which we approach each and every situation.

     Hey, in case you do not have a well-developed INNER TORTURER, or a spouse, relative, or friend willing to teach you to DOUBT YOURSELF, there’s always Dr. L. Perfect on the radio. 

     You can call in and she’ll give you the words to beat yourself up with.  Regularly.