The following strategy will change your life.  Only read further if you think your friends and family can take the new you.

Strategy:  The REVERSE, Pt. 1

Okay.  If you completed your assignment (See: Intrigue Your Friends! Frighten Your Relatives!)…and gave up one automatic, annoying negative response to a feature in your world you were previously unable to keep yourself from commenting on.…. you’ve progressed.  At least for one day.  I can’t advise going more than one day at a time squelching those automatic negative responses….That could cause some kind of brain implosion.

Thus, it’s safe to say:  You are no longer allowing your Emotional Guidance System to determine your response to _____________.  I cannot honestly say I have accomplished my goal….I could fake it, but there were quite a few witnesses to my comments aimed at the gate attendants WHO WERE NOT EVEN AT THE COUNTER 12 MINUTES BEFORE THE FLIGHT.  The gate attendants who returned to the counter….after they closed the flight…and CLAIMED they had not left the counter until 5 minutes before departure time.  But that unfortunate encounter is in the past. Letting it go….

Note: “But, wait, dear Mysteryshrink, the other people out there need to know what I think.  My friends and family appreciate my astute analysis of the flaws of others and my sharp description of what’s wrong with the world today.”

Trust me.  No one misses our negativity.  I’m in no way advocating giving up efforts to change what we believe would benefit from change.  Go for it.  Sign up for the 5K, add your favorite charity or political party to your monthly bills.  I’m not talking about doing; I’m talking about talking.

You’ve learned to silence your automatic response.  (Or at least you recognize the concept.)  But what now?  Now you’re ready for an advanced strategy.  You’re ready for an even more powerful way to stun those friends and relatives who think they “know you.”  Who think you are a completely predictable person.

You’re ready to take on THE REVERSE.

The Reverse is a simple skill…simple like downhill skiing without lessons, poles, or a soft place to land.

Start by once again identifying which subject which, when it is mentioned, or when you are reminded of it by billboards, television ads, or some little random, nagging thought squiggle zipping through the private world in your head….your Emotional Guidance System perks up.  An old adage in clinical practice is:  What makes a person happy is the same for most all of us.  What makes a person unhappy is unique to that person.

 So, what is your trigger?  Right-wingers?  Left-wingers?  Immigration?  Sarah Palin?  Francisco (Pancho) Villa?  The Yankees?  Trailer Inhabitants?  Mansion Inhabitants?  Taxes?  Healthcare?  Nancy Grace?  Letterman?  Cellphones?  White/Black/Brown People?  Racists? Bicyclers? Soccer? Professional Athlete Salaries?

Only last week I shared my genius by remarking to a cashier at the neighborhood grocery:  “Does it really seem like such a good plan to have sale displays taking up the middle of every aisle, then provide miniature, double-decker SUVs with steering wheels and squeaking mobiles for people with kids?”

The grocery store clerk was as impressed with my store arranging ideas as the American Airlines gate attendants were impressed with my suggestions for changing their flight readiness systems.

You accomplish the REVERSE when you examine that negative remark before you share it with the world…and then you say something which is the opposite of your automatic response.  I could have said to the cashier, “It’s so nice of your store to provide basket vehicles for parents with small children. Keeping the kids safe and occupied must help the parents get through a tough task.”

Okay, that’s as far as I can go with Part One of the Reverse Strategy.  Just writing the above words has made me a bit queasy.  Next entry attends to all the questions about being authentic, real, and the rest of the treasured bunk we have left over from our viewing the world as a child.

Featured Content:  ANXIETY HAPPENS: WHAT WORDS set you OFF?…WHO’S WORDS set you OFF?

Encountering the “Devil in the Blue Bathing Suit” led me to thinking about how anxiety travels from one person to another person or a group.  Think about anxiety like a poof of highly charged air. We cannot see anxiety on the move between people, but we can certainly see (and feel) when our anxiety level goes higher.

The occurrence and transfer of anxiety are natural processes, not pathology.  So, lighten up on judging yourself while we have a little fun peeking at our human nuttiness.

Example—

Green Sister-in-law:  “My husband and I choose not to have a television in our house. We want our children to spend more time reading.”

Purple Sister-in-law:  “Really? I’ve heard kids who grow up without the opportunity to watch television are the kids who end up with the problems.”

What’s happened here?  (Have you secretly already picked a side?….Hee…hee…hee…Signals real trouble, my friend. Come with me…) 

Part One—How Green Sister-in-Law’s Statement Stimulates Purple (responding) Sister-in-Law’s Anxiety

Green Sister-in-law, with her declaration, tapped into the anxiety system of Purple Sister-in-law.  How do you know?  When relaxed and non-defensive, most of us have the judgment to stay out of the other person’s business. Purple Sister-in-law, when calm, would recognize that her hearsay is not critical to the interaction.  She might even ask Green Sister-in-law a true question about how she came to her decision. 

Note– The following are not true questions: “Why would you do something like that?”  “What’s wrong with television?”  “How come your kids don’t read?” “Haven’t you seen the good stuff on television?” “What about the History Channel? The Discovery Channel?” “What’s wrong with letting children watch television?”

There are exceptions to anxiety infection: If the relationship between the sisters-in-law is open, if each has a well-differentiated self  (Yikes, what’s that?  Stay tuned.) and is able to consider different points of view without becoming anxious…and has a solid sense of humor about how nutty we humans are…it’s possible that the discussion could take off in a lively, non-anxious process.

That’s the ideal. That kind of hoo-hah ain’t the way my family works.  Sunday dinners close to elections edge up on warfare not fitting the occasion.  

How can you tell when your Emotional Guidance System has been hooked by the declaration of another person? 

Physical symptoms: tense muscles, headache, sudden desire to eat, drink, and escape.

Emotional symptoms: You’re judgment goes down. Which means:  you are less likely to be successful in staying out of the other’s business;  you will be more likely to exaggerate the importance of your position; you are more likely to feel competitive;  you are more likely to seek others to agree with you, (which is why “relationship therapy can result in worse relationships with family and spouse); and, you are more likely to switch from the issue (television or no television) to noticing, and perhaps informing others, of the “problems” the person who made the declaration has.

If your reactivity is a finely tuned instrument….Your switch from the issue to the person will take the form of directly attacking the declarer.  “You are always making impulsive decisions…You’re still a hippie, aren’t you?….You’re crazy….Mother said you were going to turn out like this….It’s because you can’t manage your children, isn’t it?….Just because you don’t have a television doesn’t make you better than other people.”

Ah, yes. Anxiety happens. The battle waits…thinly veiled in holiday invitations…in phone calls…the anxiety bug awaits….anytime, anywhere.

Next:  Part 2.  The next move in the interaction.  In other words:  Will  Green Sister-in-law respond anxiously to Purple Sister-in-law’s comment that children who grow up not watching televion are the ones with the problems? …

One of the best ways to fool your ever-ready, first line of defense, Emotional Guidance System is to learn to play with the little devil.  If you can laugh at your own at your own anxiety management methods…I mean….when they’re funny….even though when you are full force into convincing the world of the undeserved pain in your situation…you can win.

Because winning is not some big prize, it’s not even lots of money or the number one goal of third graders in 2009–fame.  It’s really not. It’s the journey.  That’s all you have.  All I have.  How funny are we?  

As a “fun with anxiety” starting point, it’s critically important (ha) to determine if you are a Bitcher or a Whiner.  Which one of the following sounds like you?

If you have issues with your new supervisor.  Do you:

Ask aggressive questions, such as, “Where does she get off saying that?” “Just what kind of goddess does she think she is?” Point out any weaknesses he or she has.  Make sweeping statements such as, “What she said is a load of crap!  I don’t need this kind of treatment.  This whole project is ridiculous!”  Get physical, slamming doors and throwing paper wads at the can without trying for two points. Get physical, feel your face redden and your heart speed up.  Start listing the way you’re more qualified than your supervisor.  Exclaim that you shouldn’t have to put up with such incompetence (though, of course, you’re only trying to help the entire team).  Describe previous better supervisors.  

Or, do you?

Get nasal and list other areas of your life that aren’t going well. Get physical, feel a headache coming on. Focus more on your pain and how you have been treated unfairly than on the faults of the supervisor.  Compare how you are treated compared to others…Mama always did like you best. Get physical, and share how tired you are.  Slip in to yesteryear, and how you should have finished the degree you wanted in ________, but you didn’t because _________wasn’t supportive, you didn’t have enough time, other people had more money, were better looking, smarter, and caught all the breaks.

You think the room is too warm.  Do you?

Stand up and rip off any outer layers, heaving a sigh heard by everyone.  State over and over that the room is too hot and that you shouldn’t have to put up with the inconvenience.  Pick up nearby folder and frantically fan your face as if saving your life. Mention you’re pretty sure whoever is in charge is purposely keeping the room too warm because he/she is an absolute jackass.

Or do you?

Leave outer layers on, heaving many, sad sighs. Mention to those around that you think you’re coming down with something.  Say you’d like to take off your sweater but you don’t want to hurt your cousin’s feelings…the one in Illinois who gave you the sweater….add that you don’t know why no one ever bothers to give you thoughtful Christmas gifts when they spend so much time finding perfect gifts for everyone else. Mention you’re pretty sure whoever is in charge is purposely keeping the room too warm because he/she doesn’t care about other people’s comfort.  

You have the idea.  Really, give your style some thought.  If you really want to have some fun…Ask someone close to you to rate whether you are more of a Bitcher or a Whiner.  Oh, of course, I know you don’t really ever complain….