Remember the Emotional Maturity Seeker’s Pledge:  I am just as crazy as every other human on the planet.  When I give examples of other’s behavior, I am not, for a moment, suggesting I could handle another person’s life better.

The Wallpaper Lady was in her late thirties and had never been married, though she really wanted to have the experience.  She hoped psychological insight work could help her discover why she always seemed to choose “losers.”  The Wallpaper Lady was very attractive and had experienced many short-term relationships. 

Warning:  If you are in the market for a date or a friend and a new prospect claims to have met many people who start out looking good then turn unsatisfying or nuts….Run, baby, run.

I warned Wallpaper Lady that, while I could possibly help her improve her self-management skills, I’d had scant luck in changing the way friends and family respond to a person.  I warned that I, too, could prove less than satisfying as her previous therapists, friends, family, and boyfriends had done…and end up on her list of wackos who had failed her.

She’d give it a shot, she said.  Nothing else had worked.  And we were off.  Hours were spent on family and anxiety and what relationships are about.  Wallpaper Lady turned out to be pleasant and open to working very hard on managing her anxiety.  During the process Wallpaper Lady found a new man who was “perfect.”  

They’d dated for several months, rocking along quite well.  Thus, I was surprised to hear Wallpaper Lady wanted nothing more to do with the man.

She had discovered his fatal flaw.  Wallpaper Lady explained that she had recently re-decorated and up-dated her kitchen dining area.  She was excited about the improvements and about accomplishing the decorating work on her own.  After she’d finished her project, she’d invited her beau inside her place (he’d been there several times before) following an evening concert.  She led him into the kitchen and she had asked, “Well, what do you think?”

Man with the soon-to-be-revealed fatal flaw had responded, “What do I think about what?”  Wallpaper Lady said, relating their conversation to me.

Then, Wallpaper Lady looked at me and said, “You can see why I got rid of him.”

I said, “Not sure…”

She said, “There’s no way I’m putting up with a man who doesn’t appreciate what is important to me.”

“Oh,” I said, and, in an effort to suggest a more optimistic interpretation of her man’s response, I said, “His response might not have been anything personal.  I probably don’t notice when people make home improvements….I’m just not tuned in…I’ve never spent much thought…”

Wallpaper Lady said, “Great! First he’s a self-centered butt-head, and now ..now you are not agreeing with me.  I’m not putting up with a psychologist who doesn’t validate my feelings!”

Oh well.  Actually, Wallpaper Lady gave the guy and her psychologist another go.  In fact, she found comfort in realizing that holding other people responsible for our feelings is a waste of time and actually drives other people away. 

Wallpaper Lady could see that, since this was a nice guy who liked her, if she’d met his less-than-hoped-for response by telling him how much fun she’d had with the project and pointing out details…maybe even kidded him about being an interior design flop, he’d have enjoyed the trip.  Wallpaper Lady could see that most of the time when other people fail to respond exactly like we’d like them to respond, it’s not because they do not care…but because their brains are trapped in their skulls paying attention to their lives…managing their own anxiety…. the nerve, the absolute nerve of those other people.

First, DIETBABBLE ALERT: New Scientific Breakthrough! The reason you’ve had a hard time losing weight is because you haven’t been eating according to your DNA!  That’s right, folks.  Now you can send in a saliva swab, the “lab” reads your “sample” and POOF… the exciting secret foods you need to avoid will be revealed and the weight just falls off.  Of course, you have to coordinate this amazing scientific breakthrough with dieting according to your blood type and the phases of the moon.

Also, a thermos maker cashing in on “going green” by showing piles of plastic bottles (gallons) lists both ’saving the planet’ and ‘weight loss’ as results you can expect by using the thermos.

Still the favorite in my heart:  the man walking along the beach with a split piece of metal, ending his spiel saying, “And my wife can’t stop talking about the weight I’ve lost since I’ve had my new metal detector.”

Anxiety. How far will you go to push down your anxiety?

It’s interesting to notice that recent celebrity drug deaths are overdoses … not of a drug that would make a person ‘high’… their deaths have not been the result of going too far with a substance known to make a person ‘happy’.  Their deaths have been the result of taking drugs which make a person numb, even unconcious.

Anxiety. 

Anxiety is the fuel and the product of the Emotional Guidance System.  Anxiety is powerful, powerful enough to make a mess of a person’s life.  We are all anxious.  Dogs and cats and cows are anxious, too.  Some dogs chew through doors when left alone, some cats hide even when hungry, cows stampede sometimes.  People chew (overeat), hide (avoid), and stampede (run away), too.

The goal of this mysteryshrink journey we are on is to get a little better hold on anxiety. (See Wildebeest entry)..2 percent…a shift of only 2 percent can improve life experience.

What would happen if you could manage a 2 percent improvement in your ability to manage your anxiety when someone else is saying something that makes you anxious?  Aha!  Of course, no one can “make you anxious”… No one else can even reach your EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM button… I was just giving you a little test…

Situation: The spouse and I are having breakfast in Kansas City during the Big Twelve Basketball tournament.  As it happens, several team members are enjoying the same hotel buffet.  My special other, being much better than I at realizing his importance or lack of importance in the world, is nudging me in the shin and teasingly suggesting I make up some story about a young nephew and collect a bunch of Texas Longhorn autographs.  Since my Emotional Guidance System is always ready to exaggerate things, always ready with the caution, ”Don’t call attention to yourself!  People will think you’re crazy! Your complete hick-dom background is going to show and you’ll never recover!  What complete strangers think of you is incredibly important!  A frown from a stranger will ruin your whole day!”  “When your special person does something that he thinks is cute and you think is embarrassing after you’ve TOLD him how he’s supposed to behave to keep you calmed down…his continuing to be himself means he doesn’t love you!” 

Okay, there I am, exposed for the sucker FUSION (See Fusion, think ropes twisted together.)  And how do I FEEL?  To what degree do the actions of another change (signal you to change) what’s going on inside you?

Anxiety 101.  Tune in tomorrow for miraculous 2 percent victory in the terrifying autographing incident!

Easy. The key is–get to know his family really well . . . and keep yours hidden in the basement.  I’m kidding.  There are very few basements around here and, if your family’s like mine, something like a cement door to the basement isn’t going to hold them back.   Actually, the key is to listen to what your potential mate has to say about his parents, sisters, and brothers. If he claims he doesn’t have much of a relationship because he has nothing in common with the rest of his family . . . read: “My tastes, interests, and values are superior to theirs” . . . expect to being hearing soon of the ways you do not measure up.  If your man was married to a woman who seemed nice at first, then went crazy (like his sister and his mother),  plan on having a psychiatric history before you’re through. If he believes his only contribution to less than optimal relationships is poor judgment in falling for the wrong women, or because everyone BUT HIM n his family “has problems,” don’t expect much commitment to working on the relationship when things get rough.

What are the people around you like?  Pretty nice or pretty awful?  What would they reveal about themselves in what they would have to say about you? 

Remember, no matter what they might say, IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU, even when it is about you. It’s still them coming out of their day, them telling you or the world what’s going on in their brains and their chests.  If “their world” isn’t lovely, you are not lovely in their sight.

There’s an old joke about a couple driving through the New England countryside planning on moving to a nearby town. Seeing a farmer alongside the road, the couple pulled over and said, “Say, we were thinking about moving to this area. What are the people around here like?”

The farmer replied, “Well, I don’t know.  What were the people like where you came from?” 

  You will be seen through the other’s distorted lense.  So, when he offers to buy you a drink, ask what the people were like where he came from.