First, DIETBABBLE ALERT: New Scientific Breakthrough! The reason you’ve had a hard time losing weight is because you haven’t been eating according to your DNA!  That’s right, folks.  Now you can send in a saliva swab, the “lab” reads your “sample” and POOF… the exciting secret foods you need to avoid will be revealed and the weight just falls off.  Of course, you have to coordinate this amazing scientific breakthrough with dieting according to your blood type and the phases of the moon.

Also, a thermos maker cashing in on “going green” by showing piles of plastic bottles (gallons) lists both ’saving the planet’ and ‘weight loss’ as results you can expect by using the thermos.

Still the favorite in my heart:  the man walking along the beach with a split piece of metal, ending his spiel saying, “And my wife can’t stop talking about the weight I’ve lost since I’ve had my new metal detector.”

Anxiety. How far will you go to push down your anxiety?

It’s interesting to notice that recent celebrity drug deaths are overdoses … not of a drug that would make a person ‘high’… their deaths have not been the result of going too far with a substance known to make a person ‘happy’.  Their deaths have been the result of taking drugs which make a person numb, even unconcious.

Anxiety. 

Anxiety is the fuel and the product of the Emotional Guidance System.  Anxiety is powerful, powerful enough to make a mess of a person’s life.  We are all anxious.  Dogs and cats and cows are anxious, too.  Some dogs chew through doors when left alone, some cats hide even when hungry, cows stampede sometimes.  People chew (overeat), hide (avoid), and stampede (run away), too.

The goal of this mysteryshrink journey we are on is to get a little better hold on anxiety. (See Wildebeest entry)..2 percent…a shift of only 2 percent can improve life experience.

What would happen if you could manage a 2 percent improvement in your ability to manage your anxiety when someone else is saying something that makes you anxious?  Aha!  Of course, no one can “make you anxious”… No one else can even reach your EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM button… I was just giving you a little test…

Situation: The spouse and I are having breakfast in Kansas City during the Big Twelve Basketball tournament.  As it happens, several team members are enjoying the same hotel buffet.  My special other, being much better than I at realizing his importance or lack of importance in the world, is nudging me in the shin and teasingly suggesting I make up some story about a young nephew and collect a bunch of Texas Longhorn autographs.  Since my Emotional Guidance System is always ready to exaggerate things, always ready with the caution, ”Don’t call attention to yourself!  People will think you’re crazy! Your complete hick-dom background is going to show and you’ll never recover!  What complete strangers think of you is incredibly important!  A frown from a stranger will ruin your whole day!”  “When your special person does something that he thinks is cute and you think is embarrassing after you’ve TOLD him how he’s supposed to behave to keep you calmed down…his continuing to be himself means he doesn’t love you!” 

Okay, there I am, exposed for the sucker FUSION (See Fusion, think ropes twisted together.)  And how do I FEEL?  To what degree do the actions of another change (signal you to change) what’s going on inside you?

Anxiety 101.  Tune in tomorrow for miraculous 2 percent victory in the terrifying autographing incident!

 

 

 What have I learned studying FAMILY SYSTEMS and the importance of family that can help out people who are dating?

Easy. The key is–get to know his family really well . . . and keep yours hidden in the basement.  I’m kidding.  There are very few basements around here and, if your family’s like mine, something like a cement door to the basement isn’t going to hold them back.   Actually, the key is to listen to what your potential mate has to say about his parents, sisters, and brothers. If he claims he doesn’t have much of a relationship because he has nothing in common with the rest of his family . . . read: “My tastes, interests, and values are superior to theirs” . . . expect to being hearing soon of the ways you do not measure up.  If your man was married to a woman who seemed nice at first, then went crazy (like his sister and his mother),  plan on having a psychiatric history before you’re through. If he believes his only contribution to less than optimal relationships is poor judgment in falling for the wrong women, or because everyone BUT HIM n his family “has problems,” don’t expect much commitment to working on the relationship when things get rough.

What are the people around you like?  Pretty nice or pretty awful?  What would they reveal about themselves in what they would have to say about you? 

Remember, no matter what they might say, IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU, even when it is about you. It’s still them coming out of their day, them telling you or the world what’s going on in their brains and their chests.  If “their world” isn’t lovely, you are not lovely in their sight.

There’s an old joke about a couple driving through the New England countryside planning on moving to a nearby town. Seeing a farmer alongside the road, the couple pulled over and said, “Say, we were thinking about moving to this area. What are the people around here like?”

The farmer replied, “Well, I don’t know.  What were the people like where you came from?” 

  You will be seen through the other’s distorted lense.  So, when he offers to buy you a drink, ask what the people were like where he came from.

  While we’re tacking up things-that-don’t-exist on our PSYCHOBABBLE WALL OF SHAME, we might as well step up and face the TRIPLE MYTH about LOVE. 

Perhaps, you best snap on some sunshades.  The facts about TAKING RESPONSIBILITY for the WAY WE EXPERIENCE people, ourselves, and the world, are pretty flipping glaring to face.  Isn’t a psychologist supposed to help you out with identifying who messed you up and who’s messing up your experience now?  I know.  I’m disappointed myself. 

Myth One:  If my parents had loved me enough, I wouldn’t be having a hard time with life today. 

Myth Two:  If my spouse loved me enough, I wouldn’t be having a hard time with life today.  Excerpt from the next Jessica LeFave mystery:  “Las Vegas…the city of glitz and irresistable impulses…what better place to talk about love and addiction? After all, while Vegas is selling a dangerous fantasy, so is Cinderella.”

Myth Three:  If YOU (my therapist,   my friend, my sister, my brother, my boss, my teacher, my whomever) loved me enough, I wouldn’t be having a hard time with life today.

Tomorrow:  Self-Confidences, Part 2, Why praise can be the most dangerous thing that can happen to you.

  I was going to lie low until the Spring as I have a book coming out in early summer, timing and all.  But I can’t wait.  Yesterday on the plane the man behind me chastised his wife, “You make decisions based on your emotions while I make decisions based on what I see and hear for myself.”

I had to mention this because so many times this argument is used as if WHAT YOU HEAR and WHAT YOU SEE isn’t determined by your emotions.  Example later.

  Lest there be any question, I did not intend to put down the struggling wife mentioned yesterday.  Never.  Some people have better “front offices” than the rest of us. 

They hold in their anxiety, and thus they come across cool   instead of HYSTERICAL like the rest of us.  But the husband in the example was no more functional than the wife, just using means other than obvious “relationship dependence” to calm himself down.  Who knows, maybe he had someone on the side (or gets someone) using relationship dependence in spades. 

“Relationship dependence” is when we need        a particular response from a particular other person    to CALM DOWN, START THINKING AND GET BACK IN CHARGE of our lives. 

And what’s particularly interesting and self-destructive about this method of calming ourselves down is that it DRIVES OTHER PEOPLE CRAZY.  It drives AWAY the person we want to keep close. 

How nuts is that?

  A supreme and successful effort to manage . . .  RELATIONSHIP DEPENDENCE.

I was seeing a couple, both of whom were university professors.  (All descriptions are disguised and combined to not apply to actual persons.  I have enough wacky people in my family to use anyway.)    The husband was frustrated with the marriage and had moved into his own apartment.  Things were improving with therapy as each learned more about their reactivity and anxiety management, but the husband was not ready to re-commit.  The wife had a research report tour scheduled which would take her on the road for two months and require her to make presentations to large groups, a process that was hard for her. 

In the last session before she was to leave, she asked her husband to promise   that their marriage was going to work out.  Though she made it very clear he could cure her current anxiety by saying what she wanted to hear, he held his ground that he was still unsure.  He was particularly worried that if they got back together she would end up leaning on him again for her sense of self.  Prior to separating the wife had suffered panic attacks if left alone and all night bouts of anger insisting that her husband was not caring enough.

She upped the ante saying she couldn’t go on the trip,   couldn’t fulfill her obligations unless he said they were going to make it as a couple.  He did not give in.

The wife headed out on the tour.  During the second week, while she was in New York, the husband called at around eleven to ask how she was doing.  The first few minutes was enjoyable for both.  The husband said “Goodnight,” as was pleasantly signing off when the wife shouted, “Stop!”    He did.  She started crying and saying he’d ruined her tour, that he’d never loved her, and that she was going out to find some man who did.  He pleaded to continue the discussion the next day.  She refused continuing to list his crimes and her own faults.  After several more attempts to close the conversation, the husband hung up.

The wife called him back with more emotional blasting.    After ten minues, he hung up.  She called again.  He hung up.  She called again.  He’d taken the phone off the hook.

The wife threw herself on the bed hysterical, more because she’d made such an absolute mess of things than anything else.  The urge to hear from her husband was almost unbearable.  She “felt” out of control and absolutely hopeless. 

THEN, she remembered a word or two about taking the energy she was using to TRY AND GET A RESPONSE from another person . . .

And using that energy to MANAGE her OWN anxiety. 

Instead of rolling around on the bed, feeling worse and worse, ABSOLUTELY CONVINCED SHE COULD NOT FEEL BETTER, until she got the feedback she wanted from her husband–SHE DECIDED TO TAKE CHARGE. 

As she told me:  “What did I have to lose,” I asked myself.  “I got up, got dressed and went out on the sidewalk and started walking.  I was in Times Square, so there were plenty of interesting people.  Even though every cell in my body (okay, that’s my phrase) wanted to either try to contact my husband or wallow in continuing misery, I started LOOKING at the interesting people.  I looked at the marquees.  I told myself I was going to walk and walk and walk until I WAS IN CHARGE OF MYSELF.    And I did.”

When her husband called, she apologized for dumping her anxiety into the phone call.  He heard, for the first time, that she understood what it meant to be responsible for self.

  Two phrases from two older movies will be the theme for a few days.

“I’M IN CHARGE!”    from Hustle and Flow.  (Think of both of these guys inside your head trying to be in charge.)

    and “I COULDN’T HELP MYSELF!” from a whole bunch of others.     Not to mention, these are the people who spend their lives in prisons — real and fabricated.

It’s about who’s deciding what goes on inside your chest cavity.  Who decides your level of motivation.  Who’s in charge.

Back later.

  Usually, when someone first comes into my office, what they’re wanting to know is:  “How can I keep doing what I’m already doing, and get a DIFFERENT RESULT? 

   People are fairly predictable, so why aren’t we using that to improve our lives?  We are each one predictable in how we manage anxiety.  Do you try to take control?  Try to get the other to change?  Do you withdraw?    Sink in defeat?  Have a cheesecake?  Gossip?

Oh, all these options are grim.  And we’ve CHOSEN to create a world for ourselves that is lovely and joyful.    We have decided to be like our grandfather who died with a great big smile on his face instead of meeting death screaming and crying like the other passengers in his car.

   What does it mean when a parent says, “She’s so sensitive?”

Does it mean she’s, INFLEXIBLE, FEARFUL, LIKELY TO EXAGGERATE, LIKELY TO TURN ON HERSELF, LIKELY TO TURN ON OTHERS?  (Fearful of what you ask?  All those bad things, those waiting-to-get-you thought-streams in your imaginary lint tube.  See yesterday.)

Ouch.  “Sensitive” doesn’t sound so good.  

When others see you as “sensitive,” in what ways do others change their behavior so that YOU DO NOT GET ANXIOUS?

  Many people don’t have any idea what goes on when psychotherapy is effective. 

Effective psychotherapy is not:

FEELING BETTER when you leave the session because you’ve “vented.”    This kind of psychotherapy can make things worse by supporting the following misconceptions:

1.  Venting improves lives and relationships. 

2.  The psychologist, because he can tolerate your venting, is a much better person to be emotionally intimate with than your spouse or family.

3.  If people love you (spouse, family) they should put up with anything, including your venting which is laced with criticisms and claims of victimhood.

4.  Having not been challenged to THINK, you leave your session more convinced than ever that YOUR MADE UP VERSION of the WORLD and EVENTS and the PEOPLE in your relationship system    –is indeed correct. 

That’s where we’re going with this.  REAL CHANGE is difficult because to CHANGE your BEHAVIOR, you must first CHANGE YOUR MIND.

Really.  You have to accept that what you respond to on a daily basis is not THE WORLD, but the STORY YOU’VE MADE UP ABOUT THE WORLD   based on facts plus lots and lots of powerful ANXIETY.

Are you willing to challenge your own mindset? 

Are you willing to consider that your spouse IS NOT the person you’re convinced he is?    (Now, we’re not talking paranoia, but going the other way.  Is it just possible he’s a more caring, kinder, brighter person than you ever thought possible?)

What would your life be like if you gave him the benefit of the doubt?  Jumped to the best possible assumption instead of the worst?  (He’s late because he’s a selfish, disorganized, uncaring person.   Or add in a worse case senario that puts yourself down.  He’s late because he doesn’t respect me, because I’m a doormat, because I’m not attractive.)

Yes.  I know it sounds ridiculous to think a husband would not bother to be on time because his wife was not as attractive as she used to be–but somebody’s buying all those exercise machines, programed meals, four stage cosmetic routines.

  I know, I’ve been told.  And, now I’m back. 

And when I review the complaints over my absence, I remind myself of what I tell clients who complain that their spouse or parent or sibling “is always wanting me to spend more time with them.”    I reply, “It could be the opposite, you know.  Think about that.  How would it feel to hear your spouse, sibling, or parent is always saying, ‘Gee, I wish I could spend less time with (your name here)’.”

The spin YOU put on your life as it plays out is UP TO YOU.

Everyday, in every way, work on that ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE. 

TOMORROW.  YES, TOMORROW:   Back to our efforts toward greater emtional maturity, to our efforts to have more of our actions determined by our best thinking and less determined by EMOTIONAL PRESSURE from others or from within the self.

I know this is hard.  It’s really hard for me and I’ve been training a lot of years.    But that emotional picture of the world I nurture inside my head–the one formed from my fears and anxieties, is one tough and relentless customer.  My EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM wants: to  prove I’m right, to show I’m not more wrong than anyone else, to seek relief by winning approval, to buy things that make me feel better, to eat things that make me feel better, to win over people to keep me safe, and that’s just the tip of the tip of the tip of the shaky self berg.

TOMORROW:  Which is more important?  The world I can touch, the world of facts?  Or the world I am responding to, the one I’ve made up and nuture in my head?

AND, what does the answer to this question have to do with my tendency to feel criticized? 

   “Tell me, Doc.  How can I keep doing what I’m already doing, but get a DIFFERENT RESULT?” 

In relationship counseling, each person comes in essentially asking, “How can I keep doing what I’m already doing–but get a different response from by chosen other?”

After thirty years of “practicing” psychology, I don’t know specifically what actions will work to improve a particular relationship.  I do know which behaviors more or less guarantee failure.

Think of it as if you are standing in a clearing in a forest.  Narrow trails sprout from the edges of the clearning into the trees.  I don’t know which of the trails will end up where you want to be, but I do know which trails will lead you to a dead end or worse.

The first of these is the trail that reads:  I can improve this relationship and my pleasure in this relationship by CONVINCING THE OTHER TO CHANGE.

Who’s in charge?  Don’t you want to be in charge? 

I’ve had thirty years of marriage, too.  And, like any good spouse, I have applied this YOU CHANGE approach daily, even giving hour by hour suggestions.  And, yet, the man goes on being himself.  What’s up with that?

Where do I turn.  Then, there’s the mirror.  Eek!   Me?  I have to change me? 

But that’s hard.

Challenge One:  Take charge of what goes on inside your chest cavity.  Your feelings.  That bundle of energy or hope or whatever it is that determines the expression on our faces, the energy and optimism or lack of joy with which we approach each and every situation.

  How do I know when I’m using my BEST THINKING and when I’m making my decision as the result of EMOTIONAL PRESSURE from others or from within myself?

And what does BEST THINKING have to do with a near fatal stop sign incident?

Now, I’m being dreadfully honest here about my emotional immaturity, so do consider this stop sign thing happened a while back.

The incident and the realization that I’d better grow up in my marriage.    Up until a few years ago, I showed horses–jumpers.  I rode five days a week about three hours a day.  Also, I worked full-time at a hospital, had a private practice, wrote a book, read all the time–and did I mention my parents live here?  So, there’s more time from my wifely duties, obligations I filled pitifully, at best, if you go my typical standards.

And, poor soul, I had (still do) a husband.  When the time spent riding issue arose, he didn’t think my defense that at least I spent no time cooking or keeping house was particularly impressive.  Thus, anytime I was asked the question, “So when do you think you’ll be back from the stable tonight? my brain went whooshy.  I’d stumble around for a time, check out his voice tone, and study the clock.  My anxiety rose.  And rose. 

ALERT:  If your first response to solving my anxiety (and huge guilt) problem was for me to sit down, tell my husband how anxious I was, and ASK HIM to change HOW he asked me when I’d be home.    Or emotionally brow beat him until he promised to never again show frustration with my late hours . . . if he really loves me he’d want to help me wouldn’t he?

If these were your first thoughts–the stop sign incident is for you.

On this particular evening I was about forty-five minutes later leaving the barn than I had promised.  And way anxious–about what he was going to say, about what a crappy wife I was.    I approached a four-way stop intersection that I crossed every day.  This time, rehearsing my excuses and my stomach in a knot, (no cell phones yet) I blew through the stop sign and missed T-boning a car by inches.    The guy behind the wheel screamed at me.  I shot him the bird.  It was lovely.  I was lovely.  So together and mature.

ALERT:  If you’re thinking the mean man behind the wheel of the other car shouldn’t have screamed at poor little me–well, I’m not sure I can help. 

As I sat there assessing my situation, it occurred to me that I was not behaving or feeling differently than I had coming home late walking home from the third grade. 

With all the responsibilities that come with adulthood (not to mention a decade of training) it seemed like I could do better if I thought the situation through.

MY BEST THINKING:  Time leaving the barn varied by how many people were there for show coaching, how many horses were backed up on the wash rack, and whether or not my horses were having a good day or a day requiring much remedial riding.   In order to continue in this demanding hobby, I’d have to admit the variability of time required and face the consequences.

Immediately on arriving home, I sat down with the good guy  and said that I had decided to stop making promises about when I’d be home from the stable.  I acknowledged that I wouldn’t want to be married to someone involved in showing horses, but I loved what I was doing.  Instead of being up front, I’d been making promises about when I’d be home when my best thinking was I didn’t have enough control over training to forecast how long coaching would take.   He would have to trust my judgement and accept that I loved him very much and looked forward to being home with him as much as he looked forward to being with me.

Of course, I could and would make exceptions for those evenings when something special was planned or if he had a request.

After a bit of protest, all of which I recognized as valid, he said:  “Well, I don’t like it.   But I love you.  I guess some people come with pianos– you come with horses.” 

  I know, I know.  People like comments and people have questions.  Unfortunately, due to ethical considerations and the large volume of readers, there is no way for me to read and respond to comments. 

          It’s like the woman in the cartoon standing behind the car with the trunk open– suitcases, piles of clothes, and all sorts of recreational equipment piled on the ground.  She’s saying, “Okay.  I can either pack for this trip or go on this trip.  I cannot do both.”

  “If you don’t take your life seriously, it’s not worth living.”

“If you ONLY take your life seriously, it’s not worth living.”    So, how’s that CONVERSATION with YOURSELF going today? 

How critical are you . . .    OF YOU?   Like you needed any help.  (Don’t forget Dr. P. in case you don’t dislike yourself enough.)

I keep being reminded in my practice– how the OPINION . . . your YOUR SPECIAL PERSON . . . has of you either EMPOWERS you or DIMINISHES your enthusiasm.  Stop.  That’s a lie.    A big fat lie.  You know, from our journey so far, that YOU, and only you, are responsible for your opinion of yourself.  You are responsible for moving forward empowered or slinking back.

STILL . . . it sure is nice to be loved by someone who thinks you could can do anything you set your mind to.    Life is harder if your closest person sees you as incapable, kicked around by your emotions, undisciplined, unmotivated, not so bright, a dreamer without courage . . .    oh, that’s enough.  Just thinking about that kind situation is a downer. 

But, yea!  NOT A PROBLEM!   That person closest to you is YOU. 

You are the one empowering you or doubting you.  ONLY YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE for your opinion of you. 

   Yea!   

To be honest, other people don’t really have the time to take care of our opinions.  It drives them crazy when we put them in that position.

**Stay tuned for “The Near Fatal, Life-Giving Stop-Sign Incident.”

     Hey, in case you do not have a well-developed INNER TORTURER, or a spouse, relative, or friend willing to teach you to DOUBT YOURSELF, there’s always Dr. L. Perfect on the radio. 

     You can call in and she’ll give you the words to beat yourself up with.  Regularly.

     Remember the social psychology experiment showing that people who rate themselves higher in social desirability than other people rate them actually have the best time? 

    Being a Self Defined Person means basing actions on Best Thinking rather than Emotional Pressure from Other People and EMOTIONAL PRESSURE from WITHIN THE SELF.  

     Enter THE INNER TORTURER.   

     One nasty little personification of our Emotional Guidance System is our INNER TORTURER.  You know her.  She’s the voice of our anxieties and fears. 

    Famous lines booming in our heads that can STOP US IN OUR TRACKS.

    About goals:  “What makes you think you can do that?      Who do you think you are?”

    About love:  “Why would anyone pick you? . . . Why would anyone stay with you?”

Examples upcoming.  Goals:  Horses, Jumps, and Foolish Practices

Love:  Spending all night in a phone booth– dialing his number and smoking cigarrettes.

   An event happens, say someone in our household disagrees with us.  I mean, it could happen.  And we RESPOND.   How much of our response is OUR DECISION?

    How much of our response is the mindless, (ouch, I know, that’s a rough word), automatic defensiveness of our EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM? 

    You remember our EGS.  That part of our brains which CANNOT TOLERATE ANXIETY.  That part of our brains that seeks ONE THING–relief from anxiety.  That part of our brains able to ignore the fact that what we are doing IS NOT WORKING.

That part of our brain that DOESN’T LEARN from experience.   But, just bulls on through.  That part of our brain . . .

that believes we have NO CONTROL.     And we do. 

 And what does all this have to do with the sect in El Dorado?  The living dead women?

Later . . . tonight.

mysteryshrink @ April 22, 2008

      Just think . . .

“If you take very, very good care of yourself, you can look forward to getting sick and dying.”

     SO PAY ATTENTION !

Anxiety.  Anxiety is partly a choice.

     There are two kinds of anxiety:  ACUTE, as when a car is bearing down on you.  

And, CHRONIC, the anxiousness we experience in a more or less on-going way about WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN. 

     The “What ifs.”

     What if I’m late?  What I get lost?  What if he doesn’t like me?  What if I spill something?    What if everyone else there is smarter, cuter, richer, and thinner than I am?  What if I fail?  What if they laugh in my face?  What if I’ve gained weight?  What if I don’t succeed?  

 These questions, while pesky, aren’t as big a problem as the LIFE or DEATH stranglehold we put on the issues . . .

I mean, what ACTUALLY does happen if when we’re late, say something stupid, trip, lose, or dress so poorly we’re offered money by strangers?  Does somebody die?  (I mean really die,not just act like someone’s going to die.)  Does the earth split in-two, each half landing messy side down on the bottom of the Universe? 

Nope. 

Bad News:  no one’s paying attention.  (They were in seventh grade, but that’s over.)

Good News:  no one’s paying attention. 

As for specific strategies, I can’t offer much help, except for the “What if I spill something?” dilemma. 

To eliminate this  worry, may I suggest that when you sit down nervous at a fancy table, right off, scoop up something gooey, and just dribble it generously down your front.  Then call attention to your mess by turning over your water glass as you grab your napkin to clumsily try to deal with the hopeless mess on your shirt.  Get it over early.  Take the worry out of the situation.

The stories we tell ourselves– about ourselves, other people, and events– have more influence on our lives and futures than actual people and events.   Remember from yesterday:  PEOPLE WHO THINK   THEY’RE DOING BETTER THAN THEY ARE, HAVE THE BEST TIME IN LIFE. 

Thin ice . . . might as well party.  

    A Self Designed Life is only possible when the power of mind is recognized and appreciated.  If life events “just happen to you,” there’s little you can do to improve your experience.

When you change your mind, you change your perceptions.   When you change your perceptions, you change what is possible for you.     When you change your perception of what is possible, you change your choices. 

   When you change your choices you change your life.

   Proof?  Easy.

   A simple research project:  12 people are invited into a “party” which they are told is for the purpose of testing a product.  After an hour, participants are given sheets of paper with twelve lines for ranking each party-goer, including themselves, with regard to SOCIAL DESIRABILITY.       

   Each was also given a form ranking how much he enjoyed the experience and whether or not he would agree to return.

   Most interesting finding:  People who ranked themselves HIGHER than others ranked them,   had the MOST fun.

             People who ranked themselves equal or LOWER   than they were seen by others, had the LEAST fun.

In other words, those people who BELIEVE they are BETTER LIKED than they are have THE BEST TIME.

So, all this worrying and primping is a crock.  The key is to “FAKE IT, TIL YOU MAKE IT.” 

***Welcome!  To the gang from South Korea!