I was going to lie low until the Spring as I have a book coming out in early summer, timing and all.  But I can’t wait.  Yesterday on the plane the man behind me chastised his wife, “You make decisions based on your emotions while I make decisions based on what I see and hear for myself.”

I had to mention this because so many times this argument is used as if WHAT YOU HEAR and WHAT YOU SEE isn’t determined by your emotions.  Example later.

  Lest there be any question, I did not intend to put down the struggling wife mentioned yesterday.  Never.  Some people have better “front offices” than the rest of us. 

They hold in their anxiety, and thus they come across cool   instead of HYSTERICAL like the rest of us.  But the husband in the example was no more functional than the wife, just using means other than obvious “relationship dependence” to calm himself down.  Who knows, maybe he had someone on the side (or gets someone) using relationship dependence in spades. 

“Relationship dependence” is when we need        a particular response from a particular other person    to CALM DOWN, START THINKING AND GET BACK IN CHARGE of our lives. 

And what’s particularly interesting and self-destructive about this method of calming ourselves down is that it DRIVES OTHER PEOPLE CRAZY.  It drives AWAY the person we want to keep close. 

How nuts is that?

  A supreme and successful effort to manage . . .  RELATIONSHIP DEPENDENCE.

I was seeing a couple, both of whom were university professors.  (All descriptions are disguised and combined to not apply to actual persons.  I have enough wacky people in my family to use anyway.)    The husband was frustrated with the marriage and had moved into his own apartment.  Things were improving with therapy as each learned more about their reactivity and anxiety management, but the husband was not ready to re-commit.  The wife had a research report tour scheduled which would take her on the road for two months and require her to make presentations to large groups, a process that was hard for her. 

In the last session before she was to leave, she asked her husband to promise   that their marriage was going to work out.  Though she made it very clear he could cure her current anxiety by saying what she wanted to hear, he held his ground that he was still unsure.  He was particularly worried that if they got back together she would end up leaning on him again for her sense of self.  Prior to separating the wife had suffered panic attacks if left alone and all night bouts of anger insisting that her husband was not caring enough.

She upped the ante saying she couldn’t go on the trip,   couldn’t fulfill her obligations unless he said they were going to make it as a couple.  He did not give in.

The wife headed out on the tour.  During the second week, while she was in New York, the husband called at around eleven to ask how she was doing.  The first few minutes was enjoyable for both.  The husband said “Goodnight,” as was pleasantly signing off when the wife shouted, “Stop!”    He did.  She started crying and saying he’d ruined her tour, that he’d never loved her, and that she was going out to find some man who did.  He pleaded to continue the discussion the next day.  She refused continuing to list his crimes and her own faults.  After several more attempts to close the conversation, the husband hung up.

The wife called him back with more emotional blasting.    After ten minues, he hung up.  She called again.  He hung up.  She called again.  He’d taken the phone off the hook.

The wife threw herself on the bed hysterical, more because she’d made such an absolute mess of things than anything else.  The urge to hear from her husband was almost unbearable.  She “felt” out of control and absolutely hopeless. 

THEN, she remembered a word or two about taking the energy she was using to TRY AND GET A RESPONSE from another person . . .

And using that energy to MANAGE her OWN anxiety. 

Instead of rolling around on the bed, feeling worse and worse, ABSOLUTELY CONVINCED SHE COULD NOT FEEL BETTER, until she got the feedback she wanted from her husband–SHE DECIDED TO TAKE CHARGE. 

As she told me:  “What did I have to lose,” I asked myself.  “I got up, got dressed and went out on the sidewalk and started walking.  I was in Times Square, so there were plenty of interesting people.  Even though every cell in my body (okay, that’s my phrase) wanted to either try to contact my husband or wallow in continuing misery, I started LOOKING at the interesting people.  I looked at the marquees.  I told myself I was going to walk and walk and walk until I WAS IN CHARGE OF MYSELF.    And I did.”

When her husband called, she apologized for dumping her anxiety into the phone call.  He heard, for the first time, that she understood what it meant to be responsible for self.

  Two phrases from two older movies will be the theme for a few days.

“I’M IN CHARGE!”    from Hustle and Flow.  (Think of both of these guys inside your head trying to be in charge.)

    and “I COULDN’T HELP MYSELF!” from a whole bunch of others.     Not to mention, these are the people who spend their lives in prisons — real and fabricated.

It’s about who’s deciding what goes on inside your chest cavity.  Who decides your level of motivation.  Who’s in charge.

Back later.

   What does it mean when a parent says, “She’s so sensitive?”

Does it mean she’s, INFLEXIBLE, FEARFUL, LIKELY TO EXAGGERATE, LIKELY TO TURN ON HERSELF, LIKELY TO TURN ON OTHERS?  (Fearful of what you ask?  All those bad things, those waiting-to-get-you thought-streams in your imaginary lint tube.  See yesterday.)

Ouch.  “Sensitive” doesn’t sound so good.  

When others see you as “sensitive,” in what ways do others change their behavior so that YOU DO NOT GET ANXIOUS?

  I know, I’ve been told.  And, now I’m back. 

And when I review the complaints over my absence, I remind myself of what I tell clients who complain that their spouse or parent or sibling “is always wanting me to spend more time with them.”    I reply, “It could be the opposite, you know.  Think about that.  How would it feel to hear your spouse, sibling, or parent is always saying, ‘Gee, I wish I could spend less time with (your name here)’.”

The spin YOU put on your life as it plays out is UP TO YOU.

Everyday, in every way, work on that ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE. 

TOMORROW.  YES, TOMORROW:   Back to our efforts toward greater emtional maturity, to our efforts to have more of our actions determined by our best thinking and less determined by EMOTIONAL PRESSURE from others or from within the self.

I know this is hard.  It’s really hard for me and I’ve been training a lot of years.    But that emotional picture of the world I nurture inside my head–the one formed from my fears and anxieties, is one tough and relentless customer.  My EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM wants: to  prove I’m right, to show I’m not more wrong than anyone else, to seek relief by winning approval, to buy things that make me feel better, to eat things that make me feel better, to win over people to keep me safe, and that’s just the tip of the tip of the tip of the shaky self berg.

TOMORROW:  Which is more important?  The world I can touch, the world of facts?  Or the world I am responding to, the one I’ve made up and nuture in my head?

AND, what does the answer to this question have to do with my tendency to feel criticized? 

  How do I know when I’m using my BEST THINKING and when I’m making my decision as the result of EMOTIONAL PRESSURE from others or from within myself?

And what does BEST THINKING have to do with a near fatal stop sign incident?

Now, I’m being dreadfully honest here about my emotional immaturity, so do consider this stop sign thing happened a while back.

The incident and the realization that I’d better grow up in my marriage.    Up until a few years ago, I showed horses–jumpers.  I rode five days a week about three hours a day.  Also, I worked full-time at a hospital, had a private practice, wrote a book, read all the time–and did I mention my parents live here?  So, there’s more time from my wifely duties, obligations I filled pitifully, at best, if you go my typical standards.

And, poor soul, I had (still do) a husband.  When the time spent riding issue arose, he didn’t think my defense that at least I spent no time cooking or keeping house was particularly impressive.  Thus, anytime I was asked the question, “So when do you think you’ll be back from the stable tonight? my brain went whooshy.  I’d stumble around for a time, check out his voice tone, and study the clock.  My anxiety rose.  And rose. 

ALERT:  If your first response to solving my anxiety (and huge guilt) problem was for me to sit down, tell my husband how anxious I was, and ASK HIM to change HOW he asked me when I’d be home.    Or emotionally brow beat him until he promised to never again show frustration with my late hours . . . if he really loves me he’d want to help me wouldn’t he?

If these were your first thoughts–the stop sign incident is for you.

On this particular evening I was about forty-five minutes later leaving the barn than I had promised.  And way anxious–about what he was going to say, about what a crappy wife I was.    I approached a four-way stop intersection that I crossed every day.  This time, rehearsing my excuses and my stomach in a knot, (no cell phones yet) I blew through the stop sign and missed T-boning a car by inches.    The guy behind the wheel screamed at me.  I shot him the bird.  It was lovely.  I was lovely.  So together and mature.

ALERT:  If you’re thinking the mean man behind the wheel of the other car shouldn’t have screamed at poor little me–well, I’m not sure I can help. 

As I sat there assessing my situation, it occurred to me that I was not behaving or feeling differently than I had coming home late walking home from the third grade. 

With all the responsibilities that come with adulthood (not to mention a decade of training) it seemed like I could do better if I thought the situation through.

MY BEST THINKING:  Time leaving the barn varied by how many people were there for show coaching, how many horses were backed up on the wash rack, and whether or not my horses were having a good day or a day requiring much remedial riding.   In order to continue in this demanding hobby, I’d have to admit the variability of time required and face the consequences.

Immediately on arriving home, I sat down with the good guy  and said that I had decided to stop making promises about when I’d be home from the stable.  I acknowledged that I wouldn’t want to be married to someone involved in showing horses, but I loved what I was doing.  Instead of being up front, I’d been making promises about when I’d be home when my best thinking was I didn’t have enough control over training to forecast how long coaching would take.   He would have to trust my judgement and accept that I loved him very much and looked forward to being home with him as much as he looked forward to being with me.

Of course, I could and would make exceptions for those evenings when something special was planned or if he had a request.

After a bit of protest, all of which I recognized as valid, he said:  “Well, I don’t like it.   But I love you.  I guess some people come with pianos– you come with horses.” 

  I know, I know.  People like comments and people have questions.  Unfortunately, due to ethical considerations and the large volume of readers, there is no way for me to read and respond to comments. 

          It’s like the woman in the cartoon standing behind the car with the trunk open– suitcases, piles of clothes, and all sorts of recreational equipment piled on the ground.  She’s saying, “Okay.  I can either pack for this trip or go on this trip.  I cannot do both.”

  “If you don’t take your life seriously, it’s not worth living.”

“If you ONLY take your life seriously, it’s not worth living.”    So, how’s that CONVERSATION with YOURSELF going today? 

How critical are you . . .    OF YOU?   Like you needed any help.  (Don’t forget Dr. P. in case you don’t dislike yourself enough.)

I keep being reminded in my practice– how the OPINION . . . your YOUR SPECIAL PERSON . . . has of you either EMPOWERS you or DIMINISHES your enthusiasm.  Stop.  That’s a lie.    A big fat lie.  You know, from our journey so far, that YOU, and only you, are responsible for your opinion of yourself.  You are responsible for moving forward empowered or slinking back.

STILL . . . it sure is nice to be loved by someone who thinks you could can do anything you set your mind to.    Life is harder if your closest person sees you as incapable, kicked around by your emotions, undisciplined, unmotivated, not so bright, a dreamer without courage . . .    oh, that’s enough.  Just thinking about that kind situation is a downer. 

But, yea!  NOT A PROBLEM!   That person closest to you is YOU. 

You are the one empowering you or doubting you.  ONLY YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE for your opinion of you. 

   Yea!   

To be honest, other people don’t really have the time to take care of our opinions.  It drives them crazy when we put them in that position.

**Stay tuned for “The Near Fatal, Life-Giving Stop-Sign Incident.”

     Remember the social psychology experiment showing that people who rate themselves higher in social desirability than other people rate them actually have the best time? 

    Being a Self Defined Person means basing actions on Best Thinking rather than Emotional Pressure from Other People and EMOTIONAL PRESSURE from WITHIN THE SELF.  

     Enter THE INNER TORTURER.   

     One nasty little personification of our Emotional Guidance System is our INNER TORTURER.  You know her.  She’s the voice of our anxieties and fears. 

    Famous lines booming in our heads that can STOP US IN OUR TRACKS.

    About goals:  “What makes you think you can do that?      Who do you think you are?”

    About love:  “Why would anyone pick you? . . . Why would anyone stay with you?”

Examples upcoming.  Goals:  Horses, Jumps, and Foolish Practices

Love:  Spending all night in a phone booth– dialing his number and smoking cigarrettes.

   An event happens, say someone in our household disagrees with us.  I mean, it could happen.  And we RESPOND.   How much of our response is OUR DECISION?

    How much of our response is the mindless, (ouch, I know, that’s a rough word), automatic defensiveness of our EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM? 

    You remember our EGS.  That part of our brains which CANNOT TOLERATE ANXIETY.  That part of our brains that seeks ONE THING–relief from anxiety.  That part of our brains able to ignore the fact that what we are doing IS NOT WORKING.

That part of our brain that DOESN’T LEARN from experience.   But, just bulls on through.  That part of our brain . . .

that believes we have NO CONTROL.     And we do. 

 And what does all this have to do with the sect in El Dorado?  The living dead women?

Later . . . tonight.

mysteryshrink @ April 22, 2008

      Just think . . .

“If you take very, very good care of yourself, you can look forward to getting sick and dying.”

     SO PAY ATTENTION !

Anxiety.  Anxiety is partly a choice.

     There are two kinds of anxiety:  ACUTE, as when a car is bearing down on you.  

And, CHRONIC, the anxiousness we experience in a more or less on-going way about WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN. 

     The “What ifs.”

     What if I’m late?  What I get lost?  What if he doesn’t like me?  What if I spill something?    What if everyone else there is smarter, cuter, richer, and thinner than I am?  What if I fail?  What if they laugh in my face?  What if I’ve gained weight?  What if I don’t succeed?  

 These questions, while pesky, aren’t as big a problem as the LIFE or DEATH stranglehold we put on the issues . . .

I mean, what ACTUALLY does happen if when we’re late, say something stupid, trip, lose, or dress so poorly we’re offered money by strangers?  Does somebody die?  (I mean really die,not just act like someone’s going to die.)  Does the earth split in-two, each half landing messy side down on the bottom of the Universe? 

Nope. 

Bad News:  no one’s paying attention.  (They were in seventh grade, but that’s over.)

Good News:  no one’s paying attention. 

As for specific strategies, I can’t offer much help, except for the “What if I spill something?” dilemma. 

To eliminate this  worry, may I suggest that when you sit down nervous at a fancy table, right off, scoop up something gooey, and just dribble it generously down your front.  Then call attention to your mess by turning over your water glass as you grab your napkin to clumsily try to deal with the hopeless mess on your shirt.  Get it over early.  Take the worry out of the situation.

The stories we tell ourselves– about ourselves, other people, and events– have more influence on our lives and futures than actual people and events.   Remember from yesterday:  PEOPLE WHO THINK   THEY’RE DOING BETTER THAN THEY ARE, HAVE THE BEST TIME IN LIFE. 

Thin ice . . . might as well party.  

    A Self Designed Life is only possible when the power of mind is recognized and appreciated.  If life events “just happen to you,” there’s little you can do to improve your experience.

When you change your mind, you change your perceptions.   When you change your perceptions, you change what is possible for you.     When you change your perception of what is possible, you change your choices. 

   When you change your choices you change your life.

   Proof?  Easy.

   A simple research project:  12 people are invited into a “party” which they are told is for the purpose of testing a product.  After an hour, participants are given sheets of paper with twelve lines for ranking each party-goer, including themselves, with regard to SOCIAL DESIRABILITY.       

   Each was also given a form ranking how much he enjoyed the experience and whether or not he would agree to return.

   Most interesting finding:  People who ranked themselves HIGHER than others ranked them,   had the MOST fun.

             People who ranked themselves equal or LOWER   than they were seen by others, had the LEAST fun.

In other words, those people who BELIEVE they are BETTER LIKED than they are have THE BEST TIME.

So, all this worrying and primping is a crock.  The key is to “FAKE IT, TIL YOU MAKE IT.” 

***Welcome!  To the gang from South Korea!

   You know what you like, right?  You spend your time and money on goals you choose using your BEST THINKING.  Who doesn’t?

Well, me for one. 

Perhaps, you and the rest of the people in the world operate, at all times, with your THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEM in charge.  But I have issues.  My EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM is a very tricky beast.  A liar and a cheat, actually.   . . . the money I’ve spent, the time I’ve wasted . . .    

The EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM is very popular.  The sweeties hawking miracle weight-loss pills and re-packaged exercise machines, the chant “I want it all, and I want it NOW,” while the man calls his high interest credit card company to find out how much he can go in hock for to have it all now, . . .  the insurance company urging you to buy and pay on-line “to save trees,” these folks are not speaking to our THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEMS.

The problem is, it seems like we’re thinking, that our decisions are well-thought out, when our emotions are running the show.

Two examples: The Horseshow Revelation and The Man Who Understood Love

Setting for the Horseshow Revelation:  Any one of several dozen collesiums around the South and the Southwest.  First morning of a four day to one week show. 

Background:  Showing jumping horses is expensive, time-consuming, and sometimes dangerous.  More so for some than others.  More costly for me as a working student and then a career woman rather than coming into the sport the natural way by being born into a family who can actually afford it.  More dangerous for me as my enthusiasm always outranks my skill.  

Okay, there I am, first morning of the show.  My high-top black boots are shiny, my heart is in my throat.  About now, I notice what has, until this moment, eluded me.  I’m thinking,

“Why am I even here?  I don’t even like this sport–or whatever kind of obsessive foolishness this is.  I should be spending my money on improving the house, donating more to charity, travelling, studying, or improving my pathetic wardrobe.  Only an idiot would think jumping horses over fences was worth working for.  Speaking of which, I don’t have anything in common with these people just because I’ve been hanging around them since I was twelve. I can’t wait until this horseshow is over so I can return to my home city and start my new and better life.”                       

The show goes on.  A few ribbons and exciting rides later it is day three.

I’m sitting in the stands, my high top boots dusty, my body good tired.  I’m saying to my buddies, “I love horseshows!  I’m so lucky we have a good circuit.  You guys are my best friends.     When is the next show?”

We think we’re thinking when we say we LIKE  or DON’T LIKE certain people, places, and things when our IDEAS have been formed by our fears.  The saddest is when we let fears turn us away from goals.  Our EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEMS exaggerate potential losses. 

“Oh no, what if I spend all this time on a biology course I never use?”  EGS:  That will be terrible, awful, and you can’t stand it!

TGS:  You’ll miss a little television.

Next:  Love.  How one man learns has his “horseshow revelation” about women and knows true love.

  

  The truth of it is: Feelings change.  Which is why speed kills why love and fame bring problems.  Later . . .

   I’ve got a question for you, doc.  Feelings are “bleep?” 

What about feelings of “love?”  What about “joy?”

    Of course, those “up” and “generous” feelings are great.  They make life beautiful.  (Needing to be “in love” or needing to be treated in a way that keeps us feeling loved can be a deal breaker of a self defeating habit.) 

    Feelings are “BLEEP” when we’re talking about ANXIETY driven emotions.  Anger.  Jealousy.  Self-hate.  Insecurity.  Feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and helplessness.  Negativity.  Fear. 

   These emotions represent EMOTIONAL PRESSURES from within ourselves.     These feelings are BIG FAT LIARS.  Our anger, jealousy, self-hate, self-doubt, feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and helpless–our negativity and fear–point us toward short term solutions. 

    These emotions say:  “So what, if last time this happened you did ____ and it turned out horribly?    Do the same thing again, only harder, faster, and louder.”  “If someone loves you they should put up with your negativity.”  “You shouldn’t hold back your wrath because this isn’t your fault anyway.”    “You should just quit trying to reach your goals because you’re not as smart or capable as other people.”

    These messages from our EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM are based on FEAR . . . 

 not FACTS.

    Imagine you are holding a big red “STOP!” sign.  When you recognize that your EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM has popped and is trying to take charge–whack yourself in the head with your imaginary sign.       

Note:  Okay, going around wacking myself with an imaginary sign provided my friends and family with the last bit of evidence needed to label me crazy.  But, oh, well.  You can get away with a lot more once you give up defending your sanity. 

Tomorrow:  The Horseshow Incident or

When I learned not to believe everything my EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM has to say.   

    But, what about MY feelings?  Most people think the point of seeing a psychologist is to “get in touch” with your “feelings.”  And, since friends and family are personally invested in the same situations we are, their anxiety often gets in the way of their being able to listen calmly to our emotional reactions.    (I know, I know.  This selfishness on their part is off-putting, but what can I say?)

  For a therapy situation to be of lasting value, the THINKING SYSTEM has to enter into the process.  Eventually, no need to rush.  Emotions aren’t bad or good, they just “are.”       Sometimes the only way to get to an wider view, a more factual view of a situation, is to splatter emotions all over the place with someone who isn’t too anxious or involved to let you.

    “Which is more important?  The world you can touch?  Or the world you are responding to?”

    If all a person needs is to “vent” (not shown to have lasting value), the better (and cheaper) listeners can be found at the club or the bus station.     When therapists function in the same ways, we end up worse for our efforts since now we place an exaggerated value on our subjective view of people and the world.    This guy is saying, “I told my therapist about you and she helped me get in touch with my feelings.  The only thing I know for sure is–you need to change so I don’t feel that way anymore.”

 

 

     What are you saying, doc?  Change?    Me?

    

      Noooooooooooooo. 

     

“Aren’t you supposed to be an expert at listening?”

 

 

“You’re not validating my feelings.”

 

“If you were any good at this, you could see that nothing is my fault.” 

       It’s those other people.     They have many problems. 

 

If you understood what I’ve been telling you, you would explain to me how I can  

 

 

keep doing what I’m already doing . . .

 

  . . . And, get different results.

 

      If an addiction is anything you can’t stop doing . . .

 

(even when it’s become self-destructive)

 

     

And you can’t stop “automatically” over-reacting emotionally . . .                          can’t stop worrying . . .   can’t stop arguing . . . can’t stop hurrying your responses . . . can’t

 

 

stop blaming . . .

can’t stop defending . . .  

 

. . . are you ADDICTED?

 

     I’m overstating the case here.  We toss out “addiction” to cover too many

 

behaviors already and tend to label people as addicted to certain behaviors just

 

because  . . .

we don’t approve of their behavior. 

   The idea is to think about our habitual responses. 

 

   If we didn’t have a contribution to our response, we have no power to change it.

 

     

 

 

 

 

 

     How can I work toward becoming a SELF DEFINED PERSON,  a person whose life goes better because I’m basing my decisions on my BEST THINKING, instead of basing my actions on EMOTIONAL PRESSURE from other people or my own fears and anxieties?

    How can I manage my anxiety– 

    How can I change my reactions–

    When those reactions are AUTOMATIC? 

    Because my reactions are not automatic–  It just seems that way.  If I have no power over them, then it is hopeless, and the quality of life I experience day to day is a crap-shoot.  The kind of marriage I have is up to the kind of person my husband wants to be and whether or not people at work and in my family treat me the way I think I should be treated.

     And, remember, depending on other people treating us like we want to be treated (at all times) is futile, time-consuming, and complicated–since they are such poor listeners to our suggestions.

     THE DAY I LEARNED that my reactions were ontrolled by powerwithin my own brain:   

Dateline:  Counseling Center, at this time I’m an intern at the FREE CLINIC about to see a couple for marriage counseling, the second couple I’ve ever seen.  (An object lesson in you get what you pay for.)

I’ve nervously settled the couple into plastic chairs in the tiny room.    Next to the therapy room, on the other side of a louvered screen,   is a tiny service alcove with a sink and a small stove where I’ve boiled some water for a cup a tea.  The plan was to have something to do with my hands.  Tea was a poor substitute for the beards some of my colleagues had to play with during their first hours on their own, but it’s what I had.

I place a teabag in my mug, hold the mug over the sink, and pour in water from the teapot.  Did I mention I was a little tense?

Then:   !%#!#@!&! and SUPERBLEEP! !   I hadn’t noticed the water was boiling.  Churning water poured over my entire hand.  !@#!**!

Scarlet blotches streaked over my skin.  I couldn’t breathe.     Pain flamed over my hand and streaked up my arm.  I am never one to suffer in silence.    Never.  Where hotel beds are concerned I have been referred to as the “princess who noticed the mustard seed under her mattress.”

Here’s the thing.  I DID NOT SAY ANYTHING.  We’re talking a big, bad burn.  I was silent.  (True, I was mouthing a few choice comments.)  I paused over the sink until I could breathe, poured the excess out of my cup, returned to my plastic chair, and asked the wife and the husband what they hoped to gain from the process.  I asked questions, gave comments, and made sense (that’s a guess), all the time watching as knuckle-sized whelps and blisters formed during the hour.

I’m not proud of my language sophistication where pain is involved.  I grew up showing horses with colorful riding coaches expressing themselves without rebuke.    Before the HOT TEA INCIDENT, I would have said, “I couldn’t help it.  My response was automatic.” 

After that, I knew I could manage my response if the STAKES WERE HIGH ENOUGH.     Now, I’m sad to say, I’d probably just let go, just share my pain with everyone in a several block area.  But, that day, nothing was more important to me than to SURVIVE the hour.  My lack of experience had me carefully monitoring my responses to create the proper impression.  A proper impression was pretty much the only credential I had. 

That afternoon I knew I had more control of my responses than I’d ever wanted to accept is possible.  And I knew I wanted to study and work until I could GET A BETTER GRIP.

This journey we’re on, is about you too, learning how to manage your anxiety and emotions.   And, now, you, too have to face the possibility that you have more POWER over yourself than you thought.

Whew .  .  .   

Tomorrow:  Is over-reacting emotionally an ADDICTION?