A Psycholgist on the Loose
Posts tagged anger
Intrigue Your Friends! Frighten Your Relatives!
May 30th
Okay, guys, Anxiety Management Pop Quiz Challenge.
Tomorrow… Okay, that’s asking too much. Pick a day next week. A sudden change in your personality could lead friends and relatives to the wrong conclusion. You know…bring up that troublesome branch of the family…and how you do look just like Aunt Franny…you know, when you get that look in your eyes…
So, we’re talking about change here, but no sudden moves.
First, think about your typical day…from the moment you open your eyes until you close them again. Now, find an event, person, wardrobe, phone user, disaster, profession, religion, publication, television show, politician, political viewpoint….that when you encounter “it” you just can’t stop yourself from making a negative comment.
I tried this, and I didn’t make it out of bed. I didn’t even make it to a sitting position before my tiny brain was awash in negative thoughts the world really needed to hear.
You see, my special person was watching ESPN “Around the Horn”…with no sound of course, because he wouldn’t want to disturb me. (At least, I like to think that is the reason, though I strongly suspect he mistakenly thinks that with the sound off, it’s possible I won’t start his day off with an arrogant remark about the ESPN, Tiger Woods and his trumped up “disease,” Lance Armstrong and how he made a big deal out of saving his sperm so that he and his wife who saw him through cancer could have children later…then left her and the kids for Cheryl Crow, or how the NBA is such a height-elitist sport, or how if the overweight, over fiftyish man delivering the sports was a woman, she wouldn’t have a job, how I don’t get soccer, how boxing shouldn’t be a sport, how it doesn’t make sense that young boys are supposed to consider sports figures as role models…and the Olympics, what’s that about? A kid spends seventeen hours a day ice-skating and I’m supposed to proclaim her a national hero?
Or, there’s the more personal route, in which I take a dig at my special person’s character by pointing out that ESPN just repeats the same stories over and over (This from a woman with an addiction to true crime shows, Reno 911, and, yes, there was the embarrassing streak of Nancy Grace back before Casey Anthony went to jail…)…To accomplish the more personal complaint, I turn to him and say, “You’re not buying this, are you?” with the thinly veiled implication that, if he is enjoying the show, he’s clearly mentally defective.
Okay. You pick your little sore spot. And challenge yourself to…just for one day…keep your (clever) but negative remarks to yourself.
Oh, sure. Laugh. It’s not that easy.
Sensitivity Is Not Your Friend
Jul 23rd
“Which is more important? The world you can touch? Or the world you are making up and responding to?
The Thinking Guidance System begs us to use facts. The Emotional Guidance System uses fears and cheap shot expectations.
An important element in our writing and directing our own little version of the world…is sensitivity. As you move through the world, what little pieces jump out of the tapestry and grow until they really, really bug you? Maybe your hyper-awareness even takes on so much power that you MUST splatter your fears and exaggerations on other people.
For example, yesterday I read an article written by a mental health professional on how ”the media” influences public perception of emotional illness. (We don’t have to guess the direction on this one.) Her example of media irresponsibility was Monk. According to the expert, because Monk has Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and yet sees a therapist regularly…the American people believe that OCD cannot be effectively treated. Beyond the cry…”It’s entertainment, lady. Not a public service announcement.”… element, I’m not convinced that her conclusion holds water. Poor deceived woman was paying so much attention to something that pricked a personal fear, she wrote an article.
Then, this morning, even more proof of how goofy and twisted we are putting together our version of the world… landed in my lap. I’m rubbing the sleep out of my eyes and the spouse has on ESPN. I’m okay with that, I like sports. But today…what’s the big feature? Model Brooklyn Decker, wife of Andy Roddick. Each segment opened with a video clip of Brooklyn Decker in a bikini on the beach, winking seductively at the camera followed by a variety of revealing poses.
“Now what does she have to with sports?” I asked the man now diving for the shower like it was a foxhole. “And,” I continued, kindly raising my voice so he could hear me in the other room. Because what I’m saying is not just important, it’s crucial that he understand the gravity of what I’m saying. I went on to say, “It is ridiculous how this is a news story because a tennis player has a wife that looks good naked. Don’t people get how sick this is? What kind of message are we sending our kids? Don’t Brookyn and Andy even GET that the only reason he married her is because she looks good on his arm and she only gave HIM the time of day because he is famous and really, really rich. What kind of crummy relationship is based on superficial features like that? I mean, don’t you think those two people are miserable?…Well, don’t you?…” I heard the shower turn on. Then I realized my Emotional Guidance System coached folly. Oops. …Oh, dear.
“Women in Therapy” Part Two
Feb 3rd
So, I felt really good about getting stuck to my husband’s anxiety on the trip into town. (See “Women in Therapy” Part One.) For once, my THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEM stayed in charge.
A month or so later I attended a conference for psychologists and psychologists titled “Women in Therapy” at the Menninger Clinic. During a small group exercise (remember the power of the group) I related my success the afternoon of the meltdown on the way to the deposition. After my somewhat smug review of events, I sat back in my chair waiting for accolades, maybe even an overdue Girl Scout badge.
But, that’s not what happened. The room was thick with a gooey sympathy and something else . . . I saw it in their eyes and it wasn’t admiration. Before anyone spoke I recognized the switch. I’d gone from competent person to VICTIM. As such, I suddenly had the warmth and understanding of a room full of professionals I didn’t even know.
I was asked if I’d been verbally abused as a child . . . “Well, no . . . what I’m saying is . . .” I was asked how long I’d continue tolerating my husband’s mistreatment. . . did I know what a rage-aholic was, and had I attended a program for enablers . . . Where was my self-esteem? . . .
a couple of them looked like they might lunge across the room to give me a hug. A hug!
But not a hug because I’d done such a great job of managing myself. A hug because I was such a brave victim . . . that my revelation had opened the door for me to join up with all abused women everywhere. I’m looking around me, thinking, ARE YOU ALL CRAZY?
I tried to clear things up. 
“No, you don’t get it,” I said. “He’s a much calmer, nicer person than I am…. I get stressed out and spray anxiety around much more often than he does…. I’m just talking about this one incident this one afternoon.” I tried. But all I got were sympathetic nods from people who not only understood me better than I understood myself, but claimed they knew more about my marriage than I did after I’d known them thirty minutes.
Sheesh. The experience got me thinking about the dangers of therapy based on sympathy and fusion. FUSION: the process occurring when an individual’s functioning is determined by the anxeity of another–ARGUING. TELLING THE OTHER WHAT TO DO. Losing motivation. Depression. Mob behavior. Road rage. All ways of functioning that say: I CAN’T CALM DOWN UNLESS YOU ____________.
Anxiety: The “Women in Therapy” Incident
Feb 1st
Okay. Some more on FUSION . . . sticking yourself to someone else’s anxiety. Making THEIR anxiety about YOU.
We lose power over ourselves when we cannot operate separately . . . when our “mood” is determined by the “mood” of another person. When our sense of doing okay is dependant on another person (usually a spouse or a child) doing okay . . . we are going to try very hard to keep the other person calm so that we can be calm. Though, of course, we deny such a motivation. We say we are twisting into a pretzel to keep them calm . . . because we are just TRYING TO HELP THEM. 
Operating to keep everyone around you calm is very tiring.
The “Women in Therapy” Incident: At last, this example is a time when I actually managed to stay separate, calm, in charge, and barely ruffled. At least I did in “Women in Therapy, Part 1.”
Part One. My husband had an important deposition on this particular afternoon. I was out at the stable schooling my horse in a jumper ring away from the barn. The stable phone at the ring chimed several times, but as it was always for the kids that rode and dismounting to pick it up was a real hassle, I paid no attention. When I finished riding and returned to the main barn the phone continued to ring and, as I was right by it and not on a horse, I answered it. It was my husband–ballistic. His car wouldn’t start and he’d been trying to reach me. (We lived near the stable.) I rescued him as quickly as possible. Still he filled the twenty minutes to downtown in a rain of fury . . . of course returning to the faithful topic of the time and money I spent on the horses. 
Here’s the thing. My big moment of emotional steadiness. 
I did not get angry or even particularly anxious. I knew he wasn’t really upset by me. I knew he was okay with the horses. He was anxious about the trial to come and providing the best deposition he could for his client. What he said, for once, didn’t set off defensiveness. I took in my book and read in the lobby during his deposition. On the way home he apologized as I knew he would. And I said I was okay, I knew he knew I would never have intentionally left him out to dry.
Okay. That was Part One. You did notice the halo and the little blue birdies fluttering about? 
Cue up “Whistle While You Work.”
Tomorrow, Part Two. It’s not nearly as lovely.
It’s really hard to change the way we habitually deal with anxiety. So celebrate your little victories and do not water the times when your EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM takes charge and you waste time, can’t sleep, make a fool of yourself, irritate someone you love, procrastinate, get into too big a hurry and make a mess… and others.
Think of the emotional field of people, job, traffic, weather, friends, etc. as the GARDEN IN WHICH YOU LIVE. And, while we’re MAKING UP THE WORLD IN WHICH WE LIVE (since we humans can’t help it.) Your garden has rows and rows and rows of blooming possibilities. Some rows were planted for you (family) and some you planted yourself.
A garden is a CHANGING ORGANIC ELEMENT. We tend to the of the SELF as stagnant. Fixed. Maybe even broken and stuck that way. A good part of our SELF GARDEN we keep hidden from others, some from ourselves. The good news?
A garden CHANGES ALL THE TIME. Some change is out of our control–weather–so we’re not going to waste energy trying to change what is beyond our power, right? If you’re short, you’re short. If you’re young you’re young and if you’re not young, you’re not–no matter how many Extenz drinks you buy (Yep, you only pay shipping and handling, of course. But have you really ever thought how much it might cost to receive a soft drink through the mail? And that doesn’t count how much it costs for them to “handle” your drink–another one of those “let’s just make up a figure” expenses.)
Or creams or surgeries or, God forbid, have you even seen that full-body spandex thing info-mercial? It’s a garment that, somehow, the women in the ad are able to get into and the “before” and “after” shots are prit-tee impressive. I will mention that the photos are all of women standing. Attempt to sit down or breathe and all bets are off.
Where is Yoda when I need him? Manana.
What’s Your Number? What Gets You Going?
Jan 29th
Picture yourself as having a telephone punch pad on your forehead.
Each button is a statement or subject that can make you go crazy (EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM 
in charge).
Which buttons in your system are just waiting to be pushed and you will lose charge of yourself? For me CRITICISM (real or imagined) is hardest for me to not respond to. Yep, fling me a criticism and I FUSE with the anxiety of the person doing the flinging.
Yoda Note: When someone says something ugly about you, it isn’t about you. It isn’t about you even when it is about you. 
Meaning, the other person wouldn’t be pointing out your weak suits if she wasn’t anxious. So even when the criticism is the truth, the criticism is about the person pointing out your less than perfect parts.
Statements about the right religion or right political party don’t get me going. I can accept that people, even family members, have the right (the “right,” cute, huh? like I’m running the world) to choose their religion or politics. No, my buttons have more to do with personal unsteadiness.
CRITICISM, mostly imagind, gets lead billing on my punch pad. I can get worked up if some movie star on television makes a crack I don’t agree with, but whoa– I’m much more vulnerable to a “tone” in the voice of my spouse. 
I get hooked because, while he’s backing up saying he was joking–I know what his tone meant. He’s really saying I‘m a horrible wife and he should have seen this before we married.
Right… 
This is the guy who said, “Hey, you’d look great in a string bikini!”
I’m Absolutely Sure this is Right; Or NOT
Dec 11th
That woman who was all platitudes and blind optimism from yesterday? I can’t stand that chick. She just pops out now and then all Holier-than-Thou making all sorts of weak-kneed suggestions. 
And then . . . The first publisher edit comes back on “TOO RICH AND TOO THIN, Not an autobiography.”
The suggestion was made . . . that the manuscript wasn’t already perfect. 
That maybe I had a ways to go before my precious words hit the big press. No, that’s not the truth. The truth is much too disturbing to reveal here. Yikes. I took that all-smiley-look-at-me-I’m-so-mature-psychologist from yesterday and bounced her off a few walls. 
“I can’t write. Who did I think I was? I’m such an obvious sham. This whole writing gig was a big mistake! The pretty man in the director’s chair sitting in front of the ocean on the info-mercial on at three this morning is right. Buying cheap real estate is the road to happiness. Or maybe that “bullet” thing that turns a ten sack bag of potatoes into soup in one minute?
Nothing but Nancy Grace and pizza last night.
But the ONE SURE THING we know about EMOTIONS, is that they CHANGE.
Today, I’ll all back into building that world . . . 
in which the only losers are the people who don’t try. And try. And try.
You See What You Believe
Jul 24th
The saying goes, “I’ll believe it when I see it.” This is not how the human mind works. We cannot see what we do not “believe.” We cannot STOP seeing what we DO believe.
What does this have to do with relationships? What does this have to do with being a happier person?
When we BELIEVE the other person is noticing us for our IMPERFECTIONS, almost any comment they make is taken as CRITICISM.
More later.
How to Be Fabulous
Apr 27th
“The most important, most life-determining, conversation you have, is the conversation you have with yourself.”
What have you told yourself about you so far today? Okay, now that we KNOW: People who SEE THEMSELVES as BETTER LIKED than they actually are . . . 
As more SUCCESSFUL than they are . . .
As more ATTRACTIVE than they are . . .
As more INTELLIGENT than they are . . .
Those people have MORE FUN in life.
Hey, I’m for more fun. 
But I’m tired and envious just from making the above list. Reading it doesn’t MAKE ME feel refreshed and ready to hit Broadway. What I’m thinking is, “Sheesh, what’s wrong with me that I’m not kicking up my heels every hour of everyday?”
Oh, noooooo. Now I remember. It’s hard to change.
If getting a grip on the on your EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM were easy, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.
Since it isn’t easy, we usually attempt an EXTERNAL solution– that is, we try to change other people’s response to us– by doing the list of things, and buying the endless image changers, offered every single month in every single magazine–
To an INTERNAL problem– the habitual conversation with have with ourselves. Since we’re strategists, we: 1) expect situations to repeat; 2) study what we did in the past; 3) rehearse new material; and, 4) practice, practice, practice.
First, there is an ACTION. Example: Someone says to you, “It’s all your fault. As usual, you are not listening.” 
Second, you PERCEIVE. You hear and absorb, “It’s all your fault. As usual, you are not listening.” I know, perceiving seems so obvious, but it’s not. How much of what you see and hear depends on the spounginess of your Emotional Guidance System, how “ready” to hear and see you are.
Third, you INTERPRET. You decide what– “It’s all your fault. As usual, you are not listening,” –MEANS.
Forth, you MAKE UP A STORY. 
You take your INTERPRETATION of what you think– “It’s all your fault. As usual, you are not listening” –means, and develop a DRAMA. “Your saying that shows you do not love me, respect me, want to please me.”
Then, you RESPOND. (And, of course, if you’re me, the first words out are: “Now look how YOU MADE ME feel.”) 
So, what can you do? 
How can you take charge?
What does perception, interpretation, and making up stories have to do with the “conversation you have with yourself”?
Later . . . manana.
WHY depending on the OTHER PERSON for maintaining SELF ESTEEM does NOT WORK
Apr 5th
”Hey, buddy, I’m not feeling so good about myself. Do something to fix me!”
Bad news. No matter how hard you try–how skinny, sexy, funny, good at the house, cooking, or whatever, you are– Relying on other people to keep you liking yourself WILL NOT WORK.
Why and damn, you say?
1. People are UNRELIABLE. 
Here you are this lovely person, doing what you usually do, being yourself, which he liked yesterday and now he has a problem with you. You’re too controlling–
Truth from Last Therapist Standing: Everyone is controlling. We’re designed to “want” our own way. There’s nothing wrong with that. Some of us are just lousy at the game. Now, I assume all of you are nice people who want good lives. That being said, we also want others to have what they want. We’re better off admitting, “Yes, I do want my way, but I’m willing to listen.”
Okay, back to how you are being your usual self and today there’s something wrong with how you are. But you haven’t changed. People are unreliable in providing that approval feedback. Could be they’re hungry. Could be a bad day all around.
EVEN WHEN IT’S ABOUT YOU — IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU.
2. People preoccupied with THEIR OWN LIVES. 
I know. Pretty nervy, huh? Hey, I have needs here! Oh, that’s not attractive? What do you mean “egg shells?” 
Yep. It’s not about you, but now you know that’s good thing.
3. People are difficult to TRAIN.
Long term marriage is truth enough. No matter how METICULOUSLY we explain over and over what he’s supposed to say and do to keep me calm–he just keeps on being himself. You could write a script. Rehearse even. I don’t know why other people are so stubborn about this. So rigid and unwilling to TAKE CARE of MY FEELINGS at ALL TIMES.
Yep. There we were, happily married couple, rolling into the American Airlines gate at DFW. I wanted to do one thing. He thought my idea was a bad one. That I’d never make it back in time to catch the next leg of the flight. I really wanted to. He really didn’t want me to. I knew how to keep him calmed down. . . .
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