First: This is not a new diet.  No secret is included.  All I’m doing is reporting what one woman decided to do and did based on her work to get a big more in charge her EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM.  Remember, no frowns or self-beatings.  This is where your unconditional friend presides. And you are okay, so smile.

This woman, I’ll call her M, lived alone and had a limited social life.  She was forty-six and had been divorced almost twenty-years.  M worked at a good state job and enjoyed quiet evenings with her own company reading and watching favorite shows. She also enjoyed travelling. Limitation travelling was the reason she wanted to think through the weight issue.

To strengthen her access to her THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEM, she constructed methods to break the rhythm of reflexive,non-thoughtful, eating.  Then she came up with her own program.  For breakfast and lunch (meals she didn’t really enjoy) she ate an apple and two rice cakes.  At nine in the evening she went through the Whataburger Drive Thru and picked up a double meat cheese Whataburger with double onions. She went home and enjoyed her meal in front of her favorite show.  She did this for months.  She lost the weight.

I know, I can practically feel “Yes, but…” missiles about nutrition, what time of day a person ought to eat, the importance of your astrological sign, and your body frame, someone pointing to a pyramid and, of course, plastic food.  Somewhere out there is even a joy-killer somewhere saying,  “But, Doc,      don’t you think it’s WRONG to enjoy such bad foods.  Don’t you think we should ‘eat to live’ instead of ‘live to eat’?”

Grrrrrrrrrrr.  M lost the weight.  Did all those nutritionist talks ever change anyone’s behavior? I mean anyone except that rude guy in the back chanting, “eat to live instead of eat to live.”

And Dr. L, of course.

  From “Doubt:” A woman was talking to a friend saying something unflattering about a man she did not know well.    That night she had a dream in which a large hand hovered over her, the index finger pointing down to her head.  The next day she goes to Confession and asks the priest: “Father is gossip a sin?”

The priest instructed the woman: “Go home and tomorrow morning take a pillow up to your roof and stab it open with a sharp knife.  Then come back to see me.”

AND THEN . . .  manana.  It’s big and it’s about other and self esteem and how to make it on this planet. And about how our EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEMS  . . .  DESIGN WHAT WE SEE IN OURSELVES AND OTHER PEOPLE. 

Optimism from television ads: (I know, I’m giving away my secret hours.)

Ads that offer you a FREE advertising video, a FREE brochure, a FREE quote.  Do they actually think that some of us out here watching are saying, “Look at that, babe!  We can get a thirty minute commercial-free commercial DVD!”     or “Do you hear that babe? We can get another paper advertisement in the mail! (thereby putting ourselves on a PRIMO sales list),” or “Babe, look we can call up the insurance company for a FREE QUOTE, thus providing them with an unsolicited opportunity to enter the high PRESSURE sales zone.”

  Samples of appeals to the EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM as piped in on television:

Dateline:  Kitchen in the real America. Recent high school graduate charges in to room.  Kid excitedly tells well-preserved seemingly adult parents: “Yea! I got accepted at Polytech!” Good news, you think, (like there’s a polytech and an Emerald City).  Now, what do you think the parents do as kid dashes out to make his big announcement to his friends?  Of course, the attractive Mom grasps super-attractive Dad’s hand and says, “Oh, honey, how will we afford to pay for this?”    Dad, apparently growing up under a rock, comes up with the PERFECT SOLUTION. Do you know what he says? I just know you do because it’s so logical.  It’s the first thing that popped into my mind.  He looks at proud, lovely Mom and decides to COLOR HIS HAIR SO HE CAN GET A BETTER JOB AND SONNY CAN GO TO POLYTECH.  Yep.

Now that’s bludgeoning of the THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEM that actually makes me feel more in charge.  Which ought to scare the hoochy out of you. 

Here’s a test.  If you are a grown man with a grown son and it does not occur to you to get a good job and make more money UNTIL YOUR SON HAS THE POLYTECH BREAKTHROUGH– you probably won’t be able to buy into the the idea of learning to use your THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEM. 

If you find yourself staring into the bathroom mirror watching the black rinse dribble down your neck after you learn that Sonny boy has flunked out of school   and you ask yourself, “What was I thinking?” The good news is NO THINKING WAS INVOLVED in the dye-your-hair-and-make-your-son a proud graduate of Harvard scheme.  And, thus, there’s so much room for improvement. It’s like failing a test where you didn’t study.  Just think how well you can do now that you’ll have the notes.  I’m not ahead of you on this little journey.

Learning to laugh at our humaness is an important step in dumping ANXIETY on its rear.  Ha Ha.  Guess what Anxiety Grip I know so well.  HaHa.  DON’T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF.

IT’S ALL SMALL STUFF.  Of course, this does not apply to those drivers I instructed earlier today on using their ##@ turn signals.  Yeah.  That was serious stuff.

 Okay.    We’ve had lots of examples of the EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM messing life up for us.  So where does the THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEM come in?

And what does it have to do with fettucine?    Everything!!!

The THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEM is:

   The part of our brain which can TOLERATE ANXIETY.

   The part of our brain which can GATHER and USE FACTS in decisions.

The part of our brain which can SLOW DOWN and consider, WHEN I TOOK THIS CERTAIN ACTION BEFORE, HOW DID THINGS WORK OUT?

The Fetteccinne Incident, a move made thousands of times a day.  I’m working at a hotel and it’s four in the afternoon.  I haven’t had lunch, so I grab coffee.  This routine (thoughtlessly) is repeated until nine-thirty.  I’m at the bar having a cool glass of wine before calling it a night.  Boy am I starving!  I order fettuccine alfredo to take up to my room.  After all, I haven’t had a meal all day.  The fettuccine was terrific. 

OPTIMISM SIGHTING: That little readout at the bottom of a television ad that suggests you look up their advertisement in some random magazine.

But the heartburn at midnight was awful.  At two, I got up and stumbled down the hall for a Coke hoping that would help.  I didn’t get much sleep at all.  NOTE: I’m not suggesting that “not eating” is good and holy and “eating fettucine or any other lovely food is bad.” Just as many people “don’t eat” under rule of the non-fact-based EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM as people who “eat” on decisions made by the same system.

The point is, the EMOTIONAL SYSTEM doesn’t pay attention to the FACTS.  The EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM ignores past experiences.  You can bet that wasn’t my first lonely midnight heartburn.

        On this journey struggling to be just a little bit more toward the center of the wildebeest herd (See Crouton Lady post), I’m pleased to say that while waiting for a flight which was two hours late in arriving at DFW where I was to pick it up–then another hour and a half late because of a terrorist alert which closed off that plane’s arrival gate, then after the flight attendants walked off saying, “Oh, no, there’s supposed to be another crew for this leg to Austin–and waiting another hour for the flight attendants–

I did not get arrested.    I behaved and thus did not identify myself as an emotional straggler on the edges of the herd.  (One man was not so “lucky.”  Hint, don’t say certain words to TSA employees who are cordoning off an alert area. 

However, as I was (horrors) computer-less and bored,   I wandered in and out of the shops so many times I am pretty sure I was taken for a shoplifter.

  Motto for 2009: “You know, I’ve been thinking.  I’ve decided I would look GREAT in a string bikini!”

Yep.  The very thought is beyond ridiculous if I’m talking about what someone else would think.  I’m not sure I could talk a salesperson into letting me try on, much less purchase a string bikini.  I chose the string bikini statement because someone who loves me very much just the way I am said that once spying a string bikini on a store manikin.  He couldn’t have been more wrong.  And I’m not being coy.  I would look ridiculous in a string bikini, then and even more now.  But not according to him.

The only way we’re going to get our lives back is by producing our own feedback channels run by that part of ourselves that’s like that guy who said I’d look great in a string bikini..  You can go to FOX News for the conservative take, NBC for a more liberal take.  And to your own channel for the best take for you.  This is the channel run by that director who is absolutely CRAZY about you. We are not tuning into the channel manned by others.    Alert!!  CRAZY and unwise are not the same.  Remember best thinking over emotionally based decisions is what we’re going for. The reason no comments have been shown on this site is that I haven’t sorted through the thousands and thousands of spams.  I’m trying to catch up now and must say—Buying more exercise machines, male organ size enhancements, and God forbid, those all-in-one girdles–is not the kind of CRAZY that goes into having a better life.  It’s the kind of crazy that keeps everything the same except you have less money.  

The crazy we’re going for is the kind that gets you to submit that short story, write that novel, paint that picture, run that race, because if you’re not crazy confident you’ll talk yourself out of it.  Crazy confidence is not about buying easy-sounding solutions.  It’s about DOING something that changes your life. I know, kind of confusing.  Manana.

WHY IS SOMEONE ELSE’S WAY OF SEEING YOU MORE REAL THAN THE WAY YOU CHOOSE TO SEE YOURSELF? 

It’s not like their opinion is right.  It’s JUST THEIR OPINION.

This year we are going to LAUGH, LAUGH, LAUGH.  And anytime anyone doubts us, most particularly ourselves, we are going to have this sentence pop out of our mouths:  “You know, I’ve been thinking about it and I just realized I would look great in a string bikini.”

And when others scoff, pass out or threaten to have us picked up by the men in the white jackets, we’ll ask, “Which is more important?  The world I can touch?  Or the world to which I AM RESPONDING?”   To which others will say, “You’re crazy.”   And you’ll say, “Great.   It’s working.” 

 **The unbelievable optimism from the federal highway department:  On the endless nothingness of IH 8 between Yuma, Arizona and El Centro, California, along the shoulder are signs saying, “No parking except in case of emergency.”  Now there’s optimism.  Someone’s going to park there for a picnic?

  “The BowFlex has given me more than new strength, it’s given me a new LIFE.  Nutrisystem has given me more than a new body, it’s given me a new LIFE.  This xx allery medication has given me more than clear breath, it’s given me LIFE.”

Oh, if only we could really experience a better life by obtaining something, eating programed food, or taking a pill. 

We can’t.  Think about it.  If it really worked, WOULD EVERY SINGLE, NOT MISSING ONE, ALL so-called women’s magazines HAVE A NEW DIET ON THE COVER EVERY MONTH?

These “articles” and info-mercials are dead ends.  I do admit their allure.  It’s even worse in other countries where their is no attempt to even flash the unreadable disclaimers across the bottom of the screen.  In Mexico you can buy a jar of fat-sucking gel.    This way you can choose the places where you want the fat to come off (One jar per household, please.)  You can order a box of patches (just pay shipping and handling) which you can place on the area you want to reduce “and have the NEWLY DISCOVERED SECRET work through the night.”

Buying something, even temporarily changing your body, does not work. Maybe you get a short spurt of false esteem but that’s it.

There is a way though.  We can work toward CHANGING the way we RESPOND.  We can, with very hard work, CHANGE our AUTOMATIC ways of THINKING to take better care of ourselves. 

Your brain is in your body.  No one else can take care of your FEELINGS.  No one else can change your THOUGHTS.

So, here’s the job for 2009.  I’ve always been intrigued about the phenomenon that when a son or daughter has been absolutely proven to have committed brutal murder, the parents still believe their child is innocent.  The theories for who did the crime are bizarre.  And what about that husband in North Texas who, after his wife was shown to be the only person who could have (and did) stab their two sons to death–still claims his wife as a maligned angel?

I know, weird way to get to the point.  But 2009 is when we work toward having a friend life that in our corner.  Ourselves. 

No, we’re not going to murder anyone.  We’re actually going to be a lot nicer. 

Taking care of you is the kindest thing you can do for those around you.  You can’t be loving when you’re angry at you.  You can’t reach your dreams if you’re not backing yourself with wild commitment.

2009, I’m ready.    ARE YOU?