Let’s say there’s a continuum of Emotional Maturity….a continuum where ‘0’ represents a person who employs her Emotional Guidance System at all times, in all situations….without any interference from her Thinking Guidance System whats-so-ever…

In other words, ‘0’ represents a person whose momentary feelings determine all decisions in her life….Let’s say…the Octamom.

And ‘100’ represents the person who confers with the Thinking Guidance System, a human who considers the long term results, when making decisions….Let’s say….Gandi.

Remember, feelings are not bad….feelings make life rich and deep.  But if you use transient feelings to decide long term issues for you….Your life will not turn out so well.  Which brings us back to our continuum. 

Where the ‘0’ end is headed up by the Octamom.  And the ‘100’ end, is represented by Gandi.

Notice, particularly, to what degree each person takes the welfare of others into account.  One person draws attention to herself by sacrificing eight (14 children in all)… The other person sacrifices himself to call attention to the plight of his people.

Now, if you’re still thinking, uh, FEELING, there’s a new miracle diet out there….You should know that the Octamom is coming out with a book on….Yep….on the special weight-loss secrets she employed to take off that extra baby (X8) weight.

Personally, I can do without her advice.  Just hand me a couple more of those Hollywood Cookie Diet goodies, would you please?

How much trouble can a person get into by speaking ‘off the top of his head’ to a televsion reporter?

Doesn’t talking  ’off the top of your head’  boil down to simply blithering random words as they pop into consciousness?  Yes, ‘off the top of your head’ can, and often does mean, talking without using your head at all.  Using the Thinking Guidance System,you recall, means taking into acount the LONG TERM effects of your actions.

Which brings us to the ’Talkative Guy in Bicycle Shorts Incident’

A few weeks ago, a husband, obviously in the grip of his Emotional Guidance System…shot and killed his wife while she was packing up to leave him.  Now, the actions of the murderer guy aren’t even the actions we’re talking about, but admittedly a good example of not taking LONG TERM effects into consideration. 

But, jump ahead, if you will, to the reporter for a local television station who travelled to the small town outside Austin where the murder happened to provide that ‘on the spot’ illusion for the five o’clock story.

The little town hosting the murder is a rural haven left over from when the railroad first came through that part of Texas, though a few Austinites have moved to Red Rock to fulfill dreams of pastoral peace and to ride their bike instead of burning fossil fuels like the lesser forms of humanity. But, mostly Red Rock is a ranching and agricultural enclave.  Our lively television reporter arrives in Red Rock ready to take the pulse of the townspeople. 

Most of the town’s residents were busy with target practice, baking pies, and herding longhorns, but our reporter did find one unoccupied Red Rock resident who happened to be one of the Austin-transplants, a spry fellow riding his bike.  Somehow the reporter didn’t notice that Red Rock regular residents don’t ride ten-speeds and they certainly don’t wear flashy bicycle pants and bodysuit tops…or red and green banana helmets or earrings, or scraggly beards.  

Our reporter has the camera going and needed just the one clip to go with his story of the murder.  Thus, his brief interview of the guy in bicycle shorts (GIBS)  would come and go in his life without causing undo harm.  The guy in the bicycle shorts, I fear, was not so lucky.

Because, you see, when the reporter asked the GIBS, “Do you find it hard to believe that a murder like this could happen in such a pleasant little town?”

The grinning GIBS looks right into the camera and says,  “Not really.  This town is full of POT-BELLIED, KNUCKLE-DRAGGING REDNECKS.”

Did I mention he LIVED in amongst the people he just so colorfully described?  Or, at least he did.

The Air Conditioning Controversy that Ended True Love

Our Emotional Guidance System is designed to rid us of anxiety.  Differences of opinion often, maybe even usually, generate anxiety.  Thus our Emotional Guidance Systemwill do whatever is necessary to obliterate differences of opinion.  The simplest method of disposing with differences of opinion is to insist on DUALISTIC thinking.  That is….Either I am right and you are wrong or….You are right and…naah…that’s unthinkable.

A woman was dating a fellow she really liked and he seemingly felt the same.  As they were leaving her house for their fifth date,

The lady paused and said, “Wait. I need to go back and turn up the air-conditioning.”

He said, “How high do you turn your air-conditioner up?”

She said, “I put it on eighty degrees.”

He said, “Eighty? Really?  I’ve heard that it’s actually harder on the system to turn it up that far, that it costs more to re-cool the house when you return, than if you’d just left the temperature down.”

She said, “That makes no sense at all.”

He said, “Well, actually, what I read was… etc.”

She said, “Ridiculous.  Do you believe everything you read?”

He said, “Ha.  Where are you getting your information?”

The rest isn’t hard to imagine.  The relationship ended without a fifth date.  Challenge:  To promote the development of the Thinking Guidance System, find at least one sticky situation today in which someone holds a different opinion, and allow the difference to ‘be’.  Strategy:  Have a freeing phrase handy such as, “That’s what makes for horseraces.”  Or, “That’s one of the things I like about working here, we’re not all alike on every issue.”  Or, “I guess none of us knows what we would really do if we were in someone else’s situation.”

Sometimes it helps to remember that each person has a right to their opinon.  I know, I don’t really buy it, either.  Secretly I believe that the only reason my spouse does not agree with me on absolutely everything is simply that I have not repeated myself often enough.  That one day, I’ll say, “You know, if you’d didn’t feed Crazy Dog from your plate, she’d be a more pleasant dinner companion.”  And, he’ll say, “Wow, you’re right.  I can’t believe I’ve been so thick-headed all these many years….Got any other ideas on how I can improve my life?” 

I am in bad shape and it’s not my fault!  Time for a break in the hard work.   I was very, very wrong about that ‘taking responsibility for your feelings’ idea. I’m a mess and it’s not my fault.  My condition is the responsibility of a certain personal trainer….who tied me down, drugged me, and forced me to lift things. I’ve seen him working with other people and he’s definitely got serious problems.  Probably his father was a ruthless, cold man…and now I’m paying for it….I think the personal trainer shouldn’t have suggested I do another rep. In fact, I think maybe he’s a sadist.   Either that or I didn’t take charge, let my Emotional Guidance System decide my pace. 

Dateline:  Imaginary ‘hospital’ bed in home office.  Definition: my regular side of bed, but with every human need within reach. Which means it’s pretty crowded in here with my laptop, remote for the television, remote for the overhead fan, remote for the alternate DVR….chips, salsa, two Cokes, three glasses of ice, Exedrin, bottles, Crazy Dog, Crazy Dog’s pink monkey, her ‘baby’, her ‘jingle bell’ ball, her squeaky penguin, her purple hippo, the yardstick for scratching Crazy Dog when her snoring block out all other sounds…and a dozen pillows arranged to shield my joints and muscles from movement.  

 

Once more, instead of governing my life according to ‘best thinking’ and painful mountains of past experience…when caught in the HOVER ZONE...that place between the cookie that was just enough and all the others…the place where the light turns yellow, you know you should hit the brakes, and you hurry on through…the moments of indecision before you hit the ’snooze’ one time too many…for me, the hover place occurred at the gym between the moment my body screamed, “Stop! Sure, you’re impressing yourself and keeping up with your partner…but stop!  If you keep going you are going to pay. You’ve done this before, many times, always with the same result,”…and when I’d gritted my teeth and said, “Sure, no problem at all.”

Come to think of it, my husband was there.  Why didn’t he stop me?  I think my current state is his fault. 

The hover.  The Emotional Guidance System.  Without it none of us would be overweight r afraid or smoke or drink too much or even do too many reps because you (I) couldn’t say, “You gotta be kidding” to the twenty-year-old guy at the gym who made the suggestion….but these aches and pains are not all his fault.  I think the personal trainer gets forty percent responsibility, the husband gets forty percent, and that chick in the spandex shorts-bikini who trots from one machine to another gets ten percent responsibility.  

 This is not about “righteous not-eating or dieting.” It’s about chocolate turtle cheesecake, the Emotional Guidance System, and the Thinking Guidance System. The obsession with dieting (that doesn’t work or we would have fixed the problem)…is a product of the Emotional Guidance System.  The EGS drives both the self-torture of repeated starvation-feel artificially great-hate yourself business. The Thinking Guidance System is not about skinny-not-eating-on-a-diet Good Person vs. not-skinny-not-buying-the-latest-Jones-Smith-diet Bad Person. Who needs that?

I admit that I’m too lazy and preoccupied to take an interest in cooking, and luckily my laziness and preoccupation carries over to even going to the trouble to eat. Though I’ve always been the same size, I’m sure if I got into dieting like I do say–writing mysteries–I’d be fat in little time. I’m emphasizing this because clients usually think I’m gearing up to talk about dieting and suffering and self-torture gifts of the Emotional Guidance System that we are trying to tame.

Okay.  I’m at my branch National World Headquarters, the Dallas-Ft. Worth Airport. I’ve had most of a cheese burger   with fries and I want something sweet. I order up the chocolate turtle cheesecake and am brought a small sailboat made out of fudge and sweet cheese and nuts.   Right away I go through the facts, “This is way bigger than I anticipated. If I let my EGS control this situation with statements like, “This is so good I should eat all of it because I’ll never have the chance to have something this special again.” “If I sin by eating it, I might as well eat it all.” And, the worst emotional reasoning, “This cost six bucks, I must eat all of it regardless of the consequences.”

The “Fettucini Incident” when I ignored the gastro-intestinal side effects fresh on my mind, I determined I’d eat the amount equal to what I expected the dessert to be.  I’m not being a good American woman who constantly thinks about her wait and believes chocolate turtle cheesecake is the work of the devil. (or a Dr. L, who has none of the human desires) I am desperately forcing myself to THINK through what I will feel like on the plane having just eaten a crate of sugar and chocolate. That’s it. Chocolate not bad, cheesecake not bad. I’m not bad. I simply do not want to be sick. No halo here.

I won! This doesn’t happen often, but that’s where we’re going, right? A tiny step at a time toward a Self-Defined Life.

Welcome Australia folks.  Sorry about comments impossibility. I’m working on it.

 First, if you happen to be a tech support person for Time Warner or Apple, and you tried to help a distraught woman in Texas late last night…bless you…you should get paid a lot more than you do. 

“Which is more important? The world of facts, the world you can touch? Or the world you are responding to?”

In looking at anxiety in a situation, the first element is PERCEPTION. (The other pieces, INTERPRETATION, and REACTION are later.)

Your perception of the world, this moment, and the people in your world, do not represent THE reality. The more anxious you are, the more what you SEE is determined by your EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE GUIDANCE SYSTEM. When your anxiety is low, what you see more resembles the world you can touch. 

Factors contributing to anxiety are many and are determined by your experiences, and your imagined experiences. For example–if you were bitten by a dog, your anxiety is more likely to go up in the presence of dogs–though not for everyone at the same level. To some, the dog bite experience could grow and flower to the point where the person feels anxious when dogs are shown on television or talked about.  To others the experience may fade quickly and have little affect on behavior or thoughts. The individual’s level of functioning at the time of the bite, as well as the responses and anxiety of others strongly affect the long term affect of any experience.

The highly anxious person is more likely to react to a new situation that is similar to the dog biting experience–by acting in ways to upset the dog and, yes, increase the chance of a fresh bite. Which proves your belief that dogs are dangerous is right on the mark.

You can see where this is going. Switch out the dog for the woman in the next office or anyone in whose presence you are anxious. If your like me, your target can be a machine. Yesterday, I bought a Mac after 20 years on PCs. I haven’t switched because I was convinced I’d lose my mind with all the changes the new system would require. With this fear firmly in mind, I began converting my files. Everything worked except email.

Enter technical support. Two hours. I called in the likes of Time Warner and Apple Computers, not to mention more than a few friends and relatives. “I can’t get my e-mail!”   “I’ve tried that!” My server deletes and re-instates my account. Apple re-routes me to a specialist in Hawaii. But, no. None of those #$%%*#’s were any help. I gave up. But still in love with my new little 3 pound beauty, I couldn’t put her to sleep quite yet. I’d just play around . . . which is when I noticed on the in-box screen of my email, the little double line under the first six emails…drags down. Yep. I had test emails from two continents and Hawaii. Bless you.

I was right. I KNEW the switchover was going to be horrible and I made sure it was.

  Ouch.  Feelings are crap?  What about love? What about empathy? What about caring about people?  Okay, take a breath.  I’m not talking right now about those feelings.  I’m talking about fear, panic, dread, underconfidence, worry, and self-criticism.  (Sometimes “love” and “empathy” are problems, too.  Such as when we are anxious about another person’s safety, well-being, happiness, or their caring for us–we deny those emotions and attribute our anxiety to love. But, that’s for another day.) (Why I can’t accept comments and why my Twitter doesnt’ work? Also, another day.)

Why are feelings such a problem?  Because “feelings” get hold of our energy, our drive, and, in some case, turn us into difficult people. Feelings spring from BELIEFS WE HOLD THAT ARE NOT TRUE, but seem very real and we will defend them to the death.  At least I will, no matter how many people from how many different countries have to suffer.

Belief One:  When I make a plan, that plan should unfold as I planned.

Belief Two:  When I have said I will be back on the job at a certain time on a certain day, if I do not arrive as promised, the world will never be the same.

These two beliefs form the cornerstone of my philosophy when on holiday.  Thus, on being informed by the American Airlines counter person that the London-DFW flight was delayed due to mechanical problems–I responded as anyone in my position with my beliefs would.  I gasped for breath, asked fourteen insulting questions, then sprinted down to the cafe to fill my spouse in on the HORRIBLE mess we were into. After five minutes or so of my raving, he looked up and said, “Well, there’s nothing we can do about it.   Might as well order some breakfast.”

“What?”    I assumed he couldn’t possibly have comprehended the depth and horror of what I was saying, “This is terrible. Delay in London is not in my PLAN. Who knows how long we’ll be delayed? I’m not going to get enough sleep and I’ll be worn out and I have a bunch of important appointments…you know they aren’t telling us the truth, don’t you?  American Airlines doesn’t care that I have timed my return with great effort.  American does not care about me or you at all, you do realize that?”

“Hmmm…” he says, “maybe we should go ahead and get lunch, it’s close to noon….Those sandwiches over there look pretty good.”

“Sandwiches? What are you, crazy?  How can you even THINK about food? They’re lying to me, I know they are. Don’t you care about what I’m going through? They know we’re going to be sitting here for hours just wasting our lives, but their keeping that a secret so we don’t jump airlines!”

“Oh, yeah,” he says, “I’m sure American Airlines wants to be absolute sure that you get on one of their planes today.”

“That’s not funny!” I go on to describe, in a repeating topic fashion, how what has happened is not AN INCONVENIENCE as he’s pretending. The delay is terrible, awful, I can’t stand it, and American Airlines doesn’t even care!

The point of this is how helpful anxiety-driven catastrophizing “feelings” can be. Ulcers, extra weight, nubby fingernails, arguing, insomnia, and avoidance–don’t come out of nowhere. They must be nurtured by the Unfounded Beliefs touted by the EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM. 

  I did something right.  As you recall from the Night of the Living Fetticine  (See “The Fetticine Incident”), as a basic start on this idea of working toward a life not quite a hundred percent driven by our EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEMS,  I’m starting small.  In this case with something as simple as deciding on what to eat late at night based on something more than the part of my brain screaming, “I WANT WHAT I WANT NOW  and I do not care about later.” 

Why?  Because there is a later.  I mean, unless that screaming I WANT, I WANT, I WANT voice gets me so excited and in a hurry that I choke on an over-robust forkful of that feckless pasta. . . I guess . . . in that case, I’m off the hook on this whole emotional maturity business.

However, assuming I survive my midnight meal, I will have to deal with the “after”, as I did (pitifully with the fetticine) and as I did last night when . . . but, yes, I managed a small victory.

And here’s how I did it.  Honest.  I actually applied something I taught in my classes on Natural Systems Therapy.  

Scene:  It’s midnight and, since I place the importance of meal planning right up there with catching up on my political reading, I am, of course, starving.  I’d picked up some yogurt, blueberries, and nutty granola thinking that would go well, but now I FEEL too hungry for something so simple and something that requires scooping the yogurt from a jar, and taking out and opening and closing two or three other containers–sheesh.  What a lot of trouble. Another option is a leftover kung pao yaki soba shrimp bowl, which is sounding pretty tasty and more satisfying.  Also, all the yaki soba required was one minute in the micro, then I could eat it right out of the bowl.

BUT THEN!    Memories of billowing fetticine whirl in my head.  I decide to take action.

I sat down with a paper napkin and wrote on the left hand side:  Choice of the EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM.  On the right I wrote: Choice of the THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEM.

Below these I wrote.  What kind of night, all night, do I want to have?    What kind of person do I want to be an hour from now?  In the morning? 

Then I just sat with it for a minute, chatting it over with the Crazy Dog.  Then, I made a LOGICAL, FACT-BASED deal with myself.  I’d fix that nice bowl of yogurt, even though the effort looked like making Thanksgiving dinner.)  If, I was still starving after that, I’d return to my paper napkin exercise with all my options open.

I did it and I survived.  This was like the kids I taught to jump, taking a chance, challenging their fears, jumping over a pole on the ground.  Okay, a bowl of yogurt and fruit is a small step.  But the night didn’t have to go that way.

  Eight babies. No papa, no job, no brains at all.  Talk about your EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM running the show.  Talk about ignoring the FACTS. 

There is a morning after. There is a statement coming in the mail.

My first (but not last) run in with the administration when I was editor of my high school paper happened when I was called in (undeservedly) after an editorial searing a mandatory assembly organized and presented by a national credit organization. The theme was “learning how to manage your credit to your advantage.” 

FOLKS:  CREDIT is not  “THING.”  It’s not a thing that you can “manage” like you can house train a dog and your life will go better.  CREDIT is just a way to GET MORE of your MONEY. No one’s trying to help you. . . As you’ve probably guessed.  My editorial read pretty similarly to the previous statements.  

Did I mention we were 17 years old?  I admit, that since I was usually able to talk my way out of assemblies, and yet forced to attend this one . . . I did lean from the outset toward an unfavorable review.

Still.  The assembly was my first face-to-face with organizations recommending the ignoring of facts . . . accompanied, of course, by mandatory shots of incredibly attractive, carefree couples cavorting in beach resorts, bronze men behind the wheels of giant boats, and families moving into two-story houses with lots of neighbors bringing cakes cheering them on. 

Other Helpful Facts:  You cannot lose MORE weight by adding Slim Shots, Hydroxycut, Hydroxycut Plus Formula 9, Hydroxycut Super With crushed moon dust. You cannot save money by borrowing more money.  You are not what you drive. There’s not much difference in shampoos, soaps, and cosmetics. The AbRocket doesn’t work without the handy accompanying “food plan.”

An insurance company sending you a brochure for FREE is not a gift, nor is a mattress company sending you a twenty minute DVD sales pitch a sign of good will.

There comes a time in a man’s life when he’s really not so desperate to ignore the facts of life that he will take a pill which just might result in a four hour erection.  Or result in having to go into an emergency room to explain his painful dilemma.  Which brings us back to the opening statement.  Talk about your EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM running the show.

OKAY.  I have a serious, dark side confession on this whole credit card business.    I’m talking DARK, DARK . . . Involving swimming pools and ocean views, and Mexico.  Later.  Probably, I’ll wait a bit.  Give you a chance to forget my raving on the subject.

“Which is more important? The world that is made up of facts, or the WORLD AS YOU SEE IT?”

On an afternoon in August, I was mowing the lawn when I ran out of gas.  Whew.  As if perspiration wasn’t already blinding me.  I located the full gas can and returned to the mower in the middle of the back yard.  I opened the gasoline hatch and rotated the handle off the can. 

Great. The gas can had an opening about four inches in diameter and flat on the top of the vessel and the hatch in the mower was less than an inch across.  How was I supposed to do this?  The heat was killing me.  My EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM was launching me into idiot ramblings such as, ”Why am I the one out here in this heat?  I do everything around here! I’m not even supposed to be out in the heat. Who left the mower half empty anyway? My whole life has been just like this.  Me getting stuck with all the hideous jobs.”  And . . . for leading role in Playing Victim, the nominees are . . .

Okay. So fine.  I could make this work.  (Motto as a child:  If at first you don’t succeed, force it.)

I’m not helpless, right?  I go into the house and search for a funnel for twenty minutes. Right. We didn’t have a hammer.  What made me think I could find something as specific as a funnel? “Why am I the one always stuck without the right tools?  I could use the urn from the coffee machine . . . no, that sounds risky as far as future coffee.  I collect several manilla folders from my home office and head out, patting myself on my sweaty back because I am such a genius. 

Back at the mower, I make a funnel out of one folder and pour.  It collapses.  Fine. My hands are shaking like crazy.  I’m blind. A bit dizzy. Yet, clever girl that I am, I persevere.  I made a tiered, graduated funnel using six manilla folders.  And it works!  I stand over the mower wondering exactly what the chances are that a breeze could set the mower, gasoline folders, and me up in a mushroom of flames.  Particularly since I can’t control my body movements my knees being shot and all.  My mood?  Victim has racheted up to snivelling and just wait until . . .

I turn to return the cap to the gasoline can.  Which is when I notice that the “cap” for the tank, which I had unscrewed and set aside, is actually an excellent, pliable funnel.

This is my world, and welcome to it.

Tomorrow: How Much Does Your PERCEPTION determine your life?

 ”Which is more important?  The world you can touch, or the one you are responding to?”  

While in training and learning to recognize the role of FACTS over FEELINGS, I saw a movie of Shakespeare’s Henry IV (could have been Henry V) in which the King has sent out a scout to check out the strength of the opposing army his troops are to face the next day.  The scout returns to report (Okay, you British lit experts, cut me some slack here on the facts) that Henry’s men are out-numbered four-to-one, that their enemies will charge on horseback while Henry’s men are on foot, that the enemy has many cannons and armaments while Henry’s men have only small bows. The situation is without hope. Henry sends the scout away, thinks through the possibilities for the next day, then calls his men together, I’m thinking, to give them the bad news.  Henry proceeds to give the most Emotional Guidance System-sucking speech I’ve ever heard.

Henry’s side won.  Against impossible odds.  So, whoa.  Now that shot a hole in my new “fact-based” living plans.  I’ve never been able to get that speech out of my mind.  Henry changed the outcome by his sheer will and capacity to capture the collective emotional systems of his men.  That means something about what’s possible. 

Studies show that girls are more often than boys allowed to back away from difficult tasks.  That women are not as much looked down on for wiggling out of unmet goals– if they turn their energies to cleaning up after others. (Breaking news! A sweet happy housewife with blond hair and medium pumps in the last commercial let me in on the news that I don’t have to clean my toilets everyday anymore!  The relief… Then another lass let me in on the news that I no longer have to dust every week. Where have these knowing women been all my life?)  

Where is your King Henry when you give up too easily? 

I know you think the world with it’s venues where you are out-numbered, where you don’t have the talent, exists, but it doesn’t.  It does not exist. 

The people around you?  You’ve made them up, too. You’ve made up how they think about you. 

That world you are responding to, the one that limits where you can go, YOU MADE IT UP. …along with a little help from parents, siblings, the girl next door, and that P.E. teacher who made you dress out in the seventh grade. ….But, phfffffft.  on them.  I’m so full of Henry’s speech that I’m going to do this!   Oooooooooooh. Ouuuch. There’s clearly a limit to the creative thinking process. 

Tomorrow . . . what happens when you think the best of people?  And assume they are crazy about you?

 The woman who lost 100 pounds on burgers is an example of someone who could listen to her THINKING self amidst the crowds telling her what she should do. 

Well, doc, you say, when do we get to HOW to engage the THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEM?

Now.  A start.  Your THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEM is in gear when YOUR BEST THINKING is your point of reference for decisions.  Remember, only your TGS considers options in a thoughtful way, your EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM , has only one goal (no matter what rubberly rationalization you’re using) and that one thing is —-

    do whatever you have to do to rid yourself of anxiety.   

An easy place to start the task of recognizing when we are slipping from our thinking point of reference to an emotionally driven position, is to talk about FUSION.  FUSION …is when your actions and “feelings” are determined, not by your own thinking point of reference, but determined by “catching” the anxiety of another. 

Examples:

A woman on a plane is reading a novel.  The man next to her asks what she’s reading. She shows him the title and says she really likes the author.  The man sneers and replies staring out the window, “Yeah, I guess if you can’t read more complex works-you have to stay with books like that.”  (Do you feel it?)

 While in graduate school I went on a cruise with a friend who was doing a seminar for “Adult Children of Alcoholics” (a fad diagnosis that has, gladly, passed). I was able to pay minimal cost as an additional person in the seminar leader’s cabin. The first day I attended an introductory group session in which emotional overdrive and ”group-think” were in high gear.   Group-think happens in low functioning gatherings in which each participant is encouraged to become “one” with the group by confessing similar experiences. Refusal to become “one” with the group is labelled as insanity or denial. When it was my time to “join” I thought back really hard to uncover how my life had been affected by addiction.  Then I had it.   I actually said that I was affected by addiction when my mother was ill and taking cortisone to stay alive. (Which didn’t work all that long. She died at barely 42.) 

The point?  Before I felt the suck of the group anxiety, I’d NEVER thought of my mother’s desperate efforts to deal with her fatal illness as CAUSING ME to GO THROUGH the wretched helplessness and personal trauma–of an adult survivor from a drug-distorted home.  Never.  But for those shining few minutes… I’d given up mom… and REALITY… to be part of the group.

The really scary part was that I didn’t realize until after the meeting what had transpired.  How I’d lost (given up) my point of reference.  What if I hadn’t realized what happened?  What if the warm affirmation of the group had propelled me into a life living out a new label?

Just saying.  Later.  More fusion.

  First: This is not a new diet.  No secret is included.  All I’m doing is reporting what one woman decided to do and did based on her work to get a big more in charge her EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM.  Remember, no frowns or self-beatings.  This is where your unconditional friend presides. And you are okay, so smile.

This woman, I’ll call her M, lived alone and had a limited social life.  She was forty-six and had been divorced almost twenty-years.  M worked at a good state job and enjoyed quiet evenings with her own company reading and watching favorite shows. She also enjoyed travelling. Limitation travelling was the reason she wanted to think through the weight issue.

To strengthen her access to her THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEM, she constructed methods to break the rhythm of reflexive,non-thoughtful, eating.  Then she came up with her own program.  For breakfast and lunch (meals she didn’t really enjoy) she ate an apple and two rice cakes.  At nine in the evening she went through the Whataburger Drive Thru and picked up a double meat cheese Whataburger with double onions. She went home and enjoyed her meal in front of her favorite show.  She did this for months.  She lost the weight.

I know, I can practically feel “Yes, but…” missiles about nutrition, what time of day a person ought to eat, the importance of your astrological sign, and your body frame, someone pointing to a pyramid and, of course, plastic food.  Somewhere out there is even a joy-killer somewhere saying,  “But, Doc,      don’t you think it’s WRONG to enjoy such bad foods.  Don’t you think we should ‘eat to live’ instead of ‘live to eat’?”

Grrrrrrrrrrr.  M lost the weight.  Did all those nutritionist talks ever change anyone’s behavior? I mean anyone except that rude guy in the back chanting, “eat to live instead of eat to live.”

And Dr. L, of course.

  Lack of information is not the reason we persist in self destructive behaviors.  Yet, more information (even if it’s absurdly dishonest) is what we throw at people and problems.  What we throw at ourselves.

Change in our lives comes with MANAGING ANXIETY BETTER.  More information doesn’t do it.   And before I rant along here all serious, keep in mind the motto of this site:  IF DO NOT TAKE LIFE SERIOUSLY, IT ISN’T WORTH LIVING.  IF YOU ONLY TAKE LIFE SERIOUSLY, IT ISN’T WORTH LIVING.

So, let’s not get a stranglehold, life or death on ourselves.  We’re going to MUDDLE through.

Let’s take weight management.  (Remember, humor.  Smile, it keeps them guessing.)  The facts: all diets work (short term).  If you take in fewer calories than you expend you will lose weight.  It’s not about your blood type, your personality type, what time you eat, or what order you eat foods in, secret fat-burning herbs or foods, or machines. and plastic balls. Neither is weight-loss about “shopping at Walmart” or all the pounds you’ll lose after you order a metal dectector–two of the more recent ridiculous claims. Grasping onto more information, buying a “new” diet is back to thinking 10 MINUTES AT A TIME.

Now I’m not into the double-message culture that has way too many women living lives constantly racked by self-hate, anxiety, and guilt.   But as I worked on an eating disorders unit for a while, I sometimes consult with women whose EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEMS have steered them toward eating to relieve anxiety and carrying the accompanying extra pounds.  These women interested in working on managing their anxiety better as a way of thinking about eating patterns do not need me or anyone else to hand over another diet or a weight chart. I want to tell you about one woman who lost over a hundred pounds eating hamburgers.

But, first I digress to share with you the PLASTIC FOOD Incident. 

After a early and complete hysterectomy I was (gratefully) put on hormones which required some adjusting.  “Some adjusting” being a clinical term for IMMEDIATE CHANGE BECAUSE I AM NOW CRAZY and I don’t want to end up in prison.”  Thus, I ended up with an appointment with a Gynocologic Endocrinologist Assistant.  The GEA asked me to describe the symptoms I was experiencing.  After saying “I’m not the lovely, gentle person I once could convince myself I was,” and  ”I now consider climbing a staircase right up there with swimming the English Channel,”  . . . I mentioned a bit of new flesh showing up around my middle without any changes in my behavior.

And this is what she did. No kidding.  Now, keep in mind this helpful lass is about twenty and I’m not.  This is what she did . .  without even a stutter-step of questioning whether her approach might  be a bit shop-worn. . . even bizarre?    

She smiled as if, “Oh, I know just what you need,”   and reached into a drawer. She then brought out a little plastic steak, a plastic clump of broccoli, and a rather appetizing slice of plastic chocolate cake.  She set these items in front of me on the table.   The innocent GEA then began to explain how calories function in the human body, adding that she finds demonstrating with the plastic food helpful in her explanation because so many people do not realize that PORTION size matters.

Oh.  So, I guess that same stunning NEW IDEA would apply to making bank deposits, too?  I never thought of that.  Surely, this lass had not been listening when I mentioned, I WAS CRAZY and MAYBE, JUST MAYBE not as PATIENT with wasting time as I was before the surgery?

Okay, next I’ll fill you in on how the woman lost a hundred pounds eating hamburgers.

  Those of us following Nancy Grace and the Tot Mom who probably (used loosely) murdered her then two-year-old daughter have heard the jailhouse tapes and endless interviews with anyone who happens through the Tot Mom’s Florida neighborhood.  Most remarkable has been the absolute ease with which Tot Mom tells one lie after another trying to explain herself.  Lies that are easily proved wrong. 

The following is paraphrased.  I’ve admitted I watch the show.  But I deny memorizing it.

One of the interviewers asked an interviewee, “Why does she keep right on with the same self-destructive  behavior after she can see that it isn’t working?”

The interviewee responded, “Because Casey Anthony only thinks ten minutes at a time.  Just let me get myself out of this mess  and I’ll worry about the rest later.” 

I’ve been thinking about a simple way to introduce the THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEM.  The quickest description is that the TGS is that part of our brain able to consider WHAT HAPPENS AFTER 10 MINUTES after we choose an action.  I know, I don’t like it either, but just doing whatever we have to do to get rid of immediate anxiety, doesn’t work out so well. 

10 Minute Fixes:  TOO MUCH of something that’s okay in moderation–shopping, saving money, alcohol, internet surfing,  food, dog scratching, sex, computer games [Solitaire should come with a warning: Kiss your life good-bye, this game is familystyle crack.], studying, partying, gardening, journaling, talking to strangers, talking, isolation, etc.

No guilt remember.  Guilt is one of those 10 minute fixes.

 Okay.    We’ve had lots of examples of the EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM messing life up for us.  So where does the THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEM come in?

And what does it have to do with fettucine?    Everything!!!

The THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEM is:

   The part of our brain which can TOLERATE ANXIETY.

   The part of our brain which can GATHER and USE FACTS in decisions.

The part of our brain which can SLOW DOWN and consider, WHEN I TOOK THIS CERTAIN ACTION BEFORE, HOW DID THINGS WORK OUT?

The Fetteccinne Incident, a move made thousands of times a day.  I’m working at a hotel and it’s four in the afternoon.  I haven’t had lunch, so I grab coffee.  This routine (thoughtlessly) is repeated until nine-thirty.  I’m at the bar having a cool glass of wine before calling it a night.  Boy am I starving!  I order fettuccine alfredo to take up to my room.  After all, I haven’t had a meal all day.  The fettuccine was terrific. 

OPTIMISM SIGHTING: That little readout at the bottom of a television ad that suggests you look up their advertisement in some random magazine.

But the heartburn at midnight was awful.  At two, I got up and stumbled down the hall for a Coke hoping that would help.  I didn’t get much sleep at all.  NOTE: I’m not suggesting that “not eating” is good and holy and “eating fettucine or any other lovely food is bad.” Just as many people “don’t eat” under rule of the non-fact-based EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM as people who “eat” on decisions made by the same system.

The point is, the EMOTIONAL SYSTEM doesn’t pay attention to the FACTS.  The EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM ignores past experiences.  You can bet that wasn’t my first lonely midnight heartburn.

   HOW is it possible to function better?  Meaning, what can you and I do-actually-to make our lives fuller and more enjoyable?  Not to mention increase our “personal magnatism?”

How can we work our way a little bit in from those dangerous edges of the thundering wildebeest herd?  Remember the lions (the stress and depression lions, too) eat the wildebeests lagging on the edges of the herd.  The wildebeests on the edges are the ones NOT IN CHARGE of their lives.  All their energy goes into battling fear.    I, for one, am tired of my “crouton lady” days and, more important–I’ve a few life goals I am only going to be able to reach if I am able to improve my capacity to manage anxiety and out-right fear.

Yeah.  Fear.  You know, the “what ifs?”  The little fears that keep us from trying new things, shooting for the moon.  The nagging worries about what other people think? 

Here’s the goal.  You have two guidance systems vying to run your life.  One is your EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM which emanates from the lower part of your brain.  Your EMOTIONAL guidance system has one goal:  to get rid of ANXIETY. Your emotional guidance system works the same way as the guidance systems of all the animals.  This is not a bad thing.  It’s just that we humans have more choice than other animals IF we learn to run our lives considering more than IMMEDIATE anxiety relief.    People who make decisions and take actions based solely on the guidance of their emotional guidance systems take on the majority of life’s problems.  Relationships are shakey, volatile, or distant.  Professional and creative goals go unmet.  And people who rely on guidance based on ridding the self of immediate anxeity actually end up experieincing MORE ANXIETY.

Behaviors when the EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM IS IN CHARGE:  Saying “yes” when you mean “no” to a project you’re not interested in.  Eating to block anxiety rather than in response to hunger.  Putting off a mammogram.  Convincing yourself that there’s no point in excercizing if you only have twenty minutes.  Interupting.  Buying things you don’t need.  Handling any piece of mail more than once.  Putting off returning calls.  Arguing.  Making it clear that anyone who doesn’t think the way you do has real problems.  (The experience of realizing another person does not think exactly the way you do on EVERYTHING, generates anxiety.)  Deciding not to try something new because you might not be very good at it. Putting another person down. Believing there’s only one person able to see the members of your family clearly and that person is you.  Being disorganized. (To rid ourselves of immediate anxiety we make no decisions, no progress.)  Sheesh. 

WE GOTTA GET A BETTER WAY.   But, remember, change is very hard.  You have to be your OWN BEST FRIEND to have the courage.  I’ll go slow.  A little bit at a time.  Maybe just recognizing he ANXIETY is enough for today.  Then, how do we escape the trap of self-defeating behavior?  We’ll work at this together. Signed, Potential Crouton Lady.

The THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEM.  Manana.

  The purpose of this blog is to present some ideas on how in the heck any of us can work toward basing our decisions more on our BEST THINKING and less on OUR EMOTIONS.  Not that emotions aren’t lovely, sometimes they are.  But if we base important decisions in our lives on rushes of emotion, our lives will not go well.

Maintaining good relationships means not allowing our emotions to run the show.  Our emotions are demanding and simplistic. 

Maintaining a healthy body also means not allowing our emotions to run the show.  In some cases, even staying alive means operating out of BEST THINKING rather than raging emotions. 

The Mexico City bed incident.  It’s about two a.m. when I reach across the huge hotel bed for a drink of water on the nightstand.  I knock over the combo bottle of all the pills I’ve brought for the two week trip.  Tiny pills spray around the room, many going under the bed.   ”Phooey.”

Well, it’s too late to worry about these pills now.    Anyway, the lighting will be better in the morning.  Also, I had two glasses of wine with my late pizza and am really drowsy.  THESE ARE THOUGHTS.

But . . . I’m worried that I won’t find all the pills.  What if I don’t find my blood pressure medicine??  I’ll just get up now and search for the pills.  (Note, I am alone.  It’s easier to do stupid things when alone.)  I get up.  The bed is a platform that actually attaches to the wall so that the little pills went under where I can’t reach easily.  I should just wait until the morning when the light is better.  No, I can just pull the mattress out a little . . . oops, the mattress is locked into a box, too.  Oh well, if I can get on my hands and knees and force the mattress up on my back . . . Got it.    Oops.  Mattress slides sideways.  That’s okay, I’m holding off the springs with my knee.  Oops, now my ankle. Yikes!  Face on the carpet.  My nose takes a whack on the nightstand.  The entire boarded mattress crashes on my ankle.  Nose is bleeding.  I can’t move.  I’m trapped.  Well, I’m sure as hell not calling the front desk for help. 

We engage in the same process when we let our anxieties rule our behavior in a relationship.  We can’t wait.

  How do I know when I’m using my BEST THINKING and when I’m making my decision as the result of EMOTIONAL PRESSURE from others or from within myself?

And what does BEST THINKING have to do with a near fatal stop sign incident?

Now, I’m being dreadfully honest here about my emotional immaturity, so do consider this stop sign thing happened a while back.

The incident and the realization that I’d better grow up in my marriage.    Up until a few years ago, I showed horses–jumpers.  I rode five days a week about three hours a day.  Also, I worked full-time at a hospital, had a private practice, wrote a book, read all the time–and did I mention my parents live here?  So, there’s more time from my wifely duties, obligations I filled pitifully, at best, if you go my typical standards.

And, poor soul, I had (still do) a husband.  When the time spent riding issue arose, he didn’t think my defense that at least I spent no time cooking or keeping house was particularly impressive.  Thus, anytime I was asked the question, “So when do you think you’ll be back from the stable tonight? my brain went whooshy.  I’d stumble around for a time, check out his voice tone, and study the clock.  My anxiety rose.  And rose. 

ALERT:  If your first response to solving my anxiety (and huge guilt) problem was for me to sit down, tell my husband how anxious I was, and ASK HIM to change HOW he asked me when I’d be home.    Or emotionally brow beat him until he promised to never again show frustration with my late hours . . . if he really loves me he’d want to help me wouldn’t he?

If these were your first thoughts–the stop sign incident is for you.

On this particular evening I was about forty-five minutes later leaving the barn than I had promised.  And way anxious–about what he was going to say, about what a crappy wife I was.    I approached a four-way stop intersection that I crossed every day.  This time, rehearsing my excuses and my stomach in a knot, (no cell phones yet) I blew through the stop sign and missed T-boning a car by inches.    The guy behind the wheel screamed at me.  I shot him the bird.  It was lovely.  I was lovely.  So together and mature.

ALERT:  If you’re thinking the mean man behind the wheel of the other car shouldn’t have screamed at poor little me–well, I’m not sure I can help. 

As I sat there assessing my situation, it occurred to me that I was not behaving or feeling differently than I had coming home late walking home from the third grade. 

With all the responsibilities that come with adulthood (not to mention a decade of training) it seemed like I could do better if I thought the situation through.

MY BEST THINKING:  Time leaving the barn varied by how many people were there for show coaching, how many horses were backed up on the wash rack, and whether or not my horses were having a good day or a day requiring much remedial riding.   In order to continue in this demanding hobby, I’d have to admit the variability of time required and face the consequences.

Immediately on arriving home, I sat down with the good guy  and said that I had decided to stop making promises about when I’d be home from the stable.  I acknowledged that I wouldn’t want to be married to someone involved in showing horses, but I loved what I was doing.  Instead of being up front, I’d been making promises about when I’d be home when my best thinking was I didn’t have enough control over training to forecast how long coaching would take.   He would have to trust my judgement and accept that I loved him very much and looked forward to being home with him as much as he looked forward to being with me.

Of course, I could and would make exceptions for those evenings when something special was planned or if he had a request.

After a bit of protest, all of which I recognized as valid, he said:  “Well, I don’t like it.   But I love you.  I guess some people come with pianos– you come with horses.” 

   An event happens, say someone in our household disagrees with us.  I mean, it could happen.  And we RESPOND.   How much of our response is OUR DECISION?

    How much of our response is the mindless, (ouch, I know, that’s a rough word), automatic defensiveness of our EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM? 

    You remember our EGS.  That part of our brains which CANNOT TOLERATE ANXIETY.  That part of our brains that seeks ONE THING–relief from anxiety.  That part of our brains able to ignore the fact that what we are doing IS NOT WORKING.

That part of our brain that DOESN’T LEARN from experience.   But, just bulls on through.  That part of our brain . . .

that believes we have NO CONTROL.     And we do. 

 And what does all this have to do with the sect in El Dorado?  The living dead women?

Later . . . tonight.

mysteryshrink @ April 22, 2008