Remember the Emotional Maturity Seeker’s Pledge:  I am just as crazy as every other human on the planet.  When I give examples of other’s behavior, I am not, for a moment, suggesting I could handle another person’s life better.

The Wallpaper Lady was in her late thirties and had never been married, though she really wanted to have the experience.  She hoped psychological insight work could help her discover why she always seemed to choose “losers.”  The Wallpaper Lady was very attractive and had experienced many short-term relationships. 

Warning:  If you are in the market for a date or a friend and a new prospect claims to have met many people who start out looking good then turn unsatisfying or nuts….Run, baby, run.

I warned Wallpaper Lady that, while I could possibly help her improve her self-management skills, I’d had scant luck in changing the way friends and family respond to a person.  I warned that I, too, could prove less than satisfying as her previous therapists, friends, family, and boyfriends had done…and end up on her list of wackos who had failed her.

She’d give it a shot, she said.  Nothing else had worked.  And we were off.  Hours were spent on family and anxiety and what relationships are about.  Wallpaper Lady turned out to be pleasant and open to working very hard on managing her anxiety.  During the process Wallpaper Lady found a new man who was “perfect.”  

They’d dated for several months, rocking along quite well.  Thus, I was surprised to hear Wallpaper Lady wanted nothing more to do with the man.

She had discovered his fatal flaw.  Wallpaper Lady explained that she had recently re-decorated and up-dated her kitchen dining area.  She was excited about the improvements and about accomplishing the decorating work on her own.  After she’d finished her project, she’d invited her beau inside her place (he’d been there several times before) following an evening concert.  She led him into the kitchen and she had asked, “Well, what do you think?”

Man with the soon-to-be-revealed fatal flaw had responded, “What do I think about what?”  Wallpaper Lady said, relating their conversation to me.

Then, Wallpaper Lady looked at me and said, “You can see why I got rid of him.”

I said, “Not sure…”

She said, “There’s no way I’m putting up with a man who doesn’t appreciate what is important to me.”

“Oh,” I said, and, in an effort to suggest a more optimistic interpretation of her man’s response, I said, “His response might not have been anything personal.  I probably don’t notice when people make home improvements….I’m just not tuned in…I’ve never spent much thought…”

Wallpaper Lady said, “Great! First he’s a self-centered butt-head, and now ..now you are not agreeing with me.  I’m not putting up with a psychologist who doesn’t validate my feelings!”

Oh well.  Actually, Wallpaper Lady gave the guy and her psychologist another go.  In fact, she found comfort in realizing that holding other people responsible for our feelings is a waste of time and actually drives other people away. 

Wallpaper Lady could see that, since this was a nice guy who liked her, if she’d met his less-than-hoped-for response by telling him how much fun she’d had with the project and pointing out details…maybe even kidded him about being an interior design flop, he’d have enjoyed the trip.  Wallpaper Lady could see that most of the time when other people fail to respond exactly like we’d like them to respond, it’s not because they do not care…but because their brains are trapped in their skulls paying attention to their lives…managing their own anxiety…. the nerve, the absolute nerve of those other people.

Green Sister-in-law:  “My husband and I choose not to have a television in our house. We want our children to spend more time reading.”

Purple Sister-in-law:  “Really? I’ve heard kids who grow up without the opportunity to watch television are the kids who end up with the problems.”

Now you are the Green Sister-in-law.  How do you respond to your sister-in-laws suggestion that your decision to not have a television in your house means you’re children are doomed? 

Let’s just put your Emotional Guidance System in charge:  “We’re do not have a television because we (unlike less wonderful parents) place our children’s needs ahead of our needs. What’s wrong with America is that parents have used television as a babysitter. Children who have the easy option of turning on the idiot box will not develop into adult readers. Not having a television means our family will eat meals together which is the time you can truly communicate with your children.  The reason childhood obesity is such a problem is because of children watching television for hours every day without moving.  Most parents wish they had our courage to resist having a television in their home.”  

Fun, right?

Now, let’s invite the Thinking Guidance System.  Think of the conversation as a tennis match.  Once you served (you did that by making the original statement), the ball may be returned lightly or more competitively.  In our situation, our sister-in-law opted for a straight shot. {Oh, I know. She would say, “Gee, I was only repeating what I’d heard….somewhere.” She’s correct.  Yet, when relaxed, most of us do not usually (I hope) respond to our sister-in-law’s announcement she’s trying a new way of doing things by shooting holes in her plan.}

Your Thinking Guidance System recognizes you still have a choice in how you respond. If you’re totally relaxed, her potshot will land softly, the way a tennis ball hits a bed sheet blowing on a clothes line.  You will smile and say something like, “Who knows about these things? For three decades we were told margarine was better for us than butter and that turned out to be whacky.”

And, now, perhaps we can lob the tennis ball gently back and forth.  We can do this because we’ve realized we’re not playing in the finals of the French Open…we’re chatting with a person important to us. We realize there’s no need to convince our sister-in-law of anything.  This is not life and death. It’s a chat. 

The Emotional Guidance System is that part of us urging decisions based on anxiety. (The EGS is telling us IT IS VERY IMPORTANT THAT OTHER PEOPLE AGREE WITH US.)

The Thinking Guidance System is that part of us urging decisions based on facts. (The TGS is telling us that while it would be nice, convenient, and lovely, even, for other people to agree with us, convincing others of our position isn’t the most important element in a conversation.)

 Next:  How I Learned Everything I Know From Ann Landers.

Well?