Should I Apologize?
Well, of course. Unless you are that one perfect person you make mistakes all the time. So, I ask you, can you give me one rational reason why you shouldn’t apologize?
When I ask this question in my office I usually receive one of those ‘I’m-paying-you-and-this-is-what-I-get?’ expressions.
A frown that clearly says: “Isn’t it obvious? I should not apologize because–I did nothing wrong, because I don’t have to put up with this, I didn’t start it, because she always has to have her way, because you would not believe what I’ve put up with already, and I was hungry and tired. She should have seen that.”
Some people stay stuck in the victim position, but most see that a rational reason for not apologizing isn’t about stomping out the immediate anxiety. A rational reason would be a response that takes into account what fits long-term with who you want to be, the long-term relationship you want to have with the other, and your commitment to manage what stress does to your body. (Man, when I finish a sentence like that one, I’m thinking—now, I hope no one thinks I’m saying that I’m good at this apology business. Because I’m horrible at it. See below.)
Then I hear—
But What If It’s Really Is Not My Fault?
Doesn’t matter. Deciding who is at fault is not nearly as important as the practice seems at the time. The time spent tossing back and forth who is wrong or more wrong is not only a waste, it blurs the real situation. Think of the emotional ‘fault game’ as a tennis match. The game stops when one person puts down the racket.
But I’m Always the One Who Apologizes!
Fabulous. That shows you are capable of putting aside the emotional drive to calm your own anxiety for a higher cause. In most relationships there is the ‘apologizer’ and the ‘waiter.’ Being the apologizer is the stronger position. The apologizer is less stuck in repetitive strings of behavior.
But Wouldn’t that Be a Fake Apology?
Not if you are speaking the truth. Not if you genuinely regret how things have gone and that you accept that you had a part in the conflict. Who doesn’t regret it when a nice evening turns into something ugly and hurtful?
But What if the Other Person Doesn’t Apologize?
Their problem. You have presented yourself as ready to review the interaction–whenever they are ready to do so. You have stated that the way you ‘feel’ is not the fault of the other person and that you will be responsible for your own emotions. You have been brave enough to take your focus off of what the other person did wrong and turn your focus back to what you can do.
In case you’d like to have an example apology on hand, below is an apology I whipped together to worm my way back into the practice of Austin City Dental, a practice I’d dropped after decades of loyalty.
This rest of this entry is just for fun, so it you don’t have that kind of time, you might want to get back to that list of people owed an apology. Or if you bent on messing with your life, that list of people who owe you an apology.
Dear Austin Dental: My association with your office began when I was a dental phobic teenager after an unfortunate missionary position. When I was twelve a missionary dentist from our church returned to Austin after decades of serving in remotest Africa. To support him my family switched to his practice. He was a nice enough guy, but there was a rub. This kind man was not accustomed to coddling his patients by using the anesthetics common here in the burbs where we kids had been spoiled rotten by dentists giving us Novocain shots before the drill.
Dr. Missionary tried. He’d say, “Now, dearie, you just raise your hand if this hurts.”
I’d be flapping my hands like I was waving a 747 in for a landing and the man would just keep on drilling.
Thus, long ago I switched to Austin Dental. After thirty years, when my long-time dentist retired from Austin Dental, I left to go to a less expensive practice recommended by a friend who reads the paper and keeps up with fashion, presidential candidates, and dentistry trends.
Oh my, did I make a mistake. Have you ever heard of a dentist with absolutely no overhead?
No receptionist. After about five minutes of banging on the door, a woman in a Hawaiian muumuu who seemed to be visiting opened the door and pointed me to a single folding chair in a closet-like room. No tables or magazines, but there was entertainment. While I waited, the dentist on the other side of a thin wall collaborated loudly on the phone with his ‘survivalist’ group planning a ‘take down’ plan at level fourteen.
Before I had a survival plan of my own the dentist caught me and led me into an empty room with a lounge-like chair in the center had seen too many Superbowls. No frills like tables, sinks, or lights attached to the chair. His tools were in his breast pocket. No water. When I needed to spit, I had to jump up and trot out to a ladies’ room in the hallway shared with a Wild Wings Restaurant.
I’m very, very sorry for leaving Austin Dental. Can I come back? Yes. This is a cry for help.
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