A Psycholgist on the Loose
Archive for July, 2009
Fusion, How to Lose Your Self
Jul 29th
FUSION…
What is fusion? ..Think of yourself a bean. Say, half-cooked pinto bean with your skin in tact. You are you, you have a skin, your brain is in your body and your brain is running your show. For our purposes, let’s say at this moment, inside your bean self, your Thinking Guidance System is in charge. You’re making thoughtful pinto bean choices….enjoying life.
Then another bean sidles up next to you. This bean’s a little over-cooked (steamed by the catastrophizing of it’s Emotional Guidance System) so that her skin is a bit leaky. This leakiness is uncomfortable for her…bursting the bean skin a bit…the mushy bean is leaky…out comes the ooze and it lands on you…on your tight skin…your skin which is…or was…keeping you separate, keeping you in charge of you.
You hold on for a while, then you sense your mood changing, your anxiety going up and up. You hear yourself complain. You hear yourself on a defensive tear. You don’t feel very good anymore. Not very energetic. A couple more oozes of anxiety from the anxious bean and…just forget it…you feel your pores opening further. You topple into the pile of porous over-cooked beans and cease to exist as a separate thinking unit.
Human examples when we can feel our skins getting leaky, when what is going on inside of us is changed by the anxiety of another: your co-worker tells you something negative about another co-worker… a person on the other side of the political fence gives a little speech suggesting anyone who doesn’t agree is stupid… a driver pulls out in front of you (on purpose, of course)… the fast food ghost inside the speaker gets your order wrong… a friend says she’s worried about your stress level and so are all your friends… the woman on the news says ‘emerging research suggests that maybe’ kids who take medication for ADHD are more likely to be meth addicts; the woman on the news says ‘emerging research suggests that maybe’ kids with ADHD and are not given medication have lower self-esteem…
How Much of ME Do I Give Up to Be With YOU?
Jul 26th
Notice the question, “How much of ME do I give up to be with YOU? ….does not say….”How much of me do YOU MAKE ME give up … to be with you?”
Like everything else, learning to deal with fusion is a self-focused operation. (Self-focus is not self-centered. Self-focused is taking responsibility for what goes on inside of one’s chest, and responsibility for one’s actions.)
The scene is the rolling green lawn of a Southern plantation. A lovely wedding has just taken place under the moss-dripping oaks and now most of the guests have gone. The new bride and groom are each spending some time with the stragglers when the bride returns to the table showcasing the cakes and punch. She’s glowing. The day is gorgeous. Her expression is one of complete joy in having this perfect day when she has married the man of her dreams. The bride notices the saucer holding the leftover wedding cake from when she and her new husband had linked elbows and fed each other a piece in celebration and for photographers.
The bride picks up the piece of cake and, still moony-eyed, takes a bite. …Her new husband walks up behind her, lightly grabs her hand with the cake, and frowns. “Not with your fingers!” The glow fades from the bride’s face. In her eyes is the slightest fear.
The next several entries will be about FUSION. Fusion is a naturally occuring process, an emotionally intertwining of selves based on management of anxiety. (See “Avoidance Anxiety…Will You Calm Down So I Can Calm Down”) Fusion is not good or bad. Fusion just is.
Whether or not fusion is helpful or self -or other- defeating depends on a number of factors. Sometimes fusion has a temporary positive effect for the individual (calms anxiety) but a long term negative effect (lessens overall ability to manage anxiety on one’s own). Programs in which cancer survivors visit recent cancer surgery patients sharing their fears and recovery use fusion toward a positive outcome. The patient joins up a bit with the survivor and feels better which likely aids in his or her recovery. Yet, later, if the mentor has a recurrence, the patient initially helped by identifying with the survivor, has a lower ability to work on recovery. The fusion of the audience at a rock concert revs up the good time, but the giving over of self to the group could result in injuries and arrests the individual would not have incurred.
When you sit down across the table from a man trying to sell you a timeshare, he will ask questions as a way to create a bit of fusion, as a way for you to engage the emotions you experience with people who are actually your friends. In a highly fused marriage, both partners broker all decisions through the relationship. In highly fused relationships minor disagreements are experienced as stressful or as threats to the relationship. In these marriages, sibling relationships, and friendships, the growth of each partner is limited. “We” takes over for “I.”
Hightened sensitivity to keeping the other person calm… characterises the relationship. This fusion business is why Crazy Dog and all the little beings like her are so darned popular. Keeping Crazy Dog happy doesn’t take much of my time and energy.
More next time.
Sensitivity Is Not Your Friend
Jul 23rd
“Which is more important? The world you can touch? Or the world you are making up and responding to?
The Thinking Guidance System begs us to use facts. The Emotional Guidance System uses fears and cheap shot expectations.
An important element in our writing and directing our own little version of the world…is sensitivity. As you move through the world, what little pieces jump out of the tapestry and grow until they really, really bug you? Maybe your hyper-awareness even takes on so much power that you MUST splatter your fears and exaggerations on other people.
For example, yesterday I read an article written by a mental health professional on how ”the media” influences public perception of emotional illness. (We don’t have to guess the direction on this one.) Her example of media irresponsibility was Monk. According to the expert, because Monk has Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and yet sees a therapist regularly…the American people believe that OCD cannot be effectively treated. Beyond the cry…”It’s entertainment, lady. Not a public service announcement.”… element, I’m not convinced that her conclusion holds water. Poor deceived woman was paying so much attention to something that pricked a personal fear, she wrote an article.
Then, this morning, even more proof of how goofy and twisted we are putting together our version of the world… landed in my lap. I’m rubbing the sleep out of my eyes and the spouse has on ESPN. I’m okay with that, I like sports. But today…what’s the big feature? Model Brooklyn Decker, wife of Andy Roddick. Each segment opened with a video clip of Brooklyn Decker in a bikini on the beach, winking seductively at the camera followed by a variety of revealing poses.
“Now what does she have to with sports?” I asked the man now diving for the shower like it was a foxhole. “And,” I continued, kindly raising my voice so he could hear me in the other room. Because what I’m saying is not just important, it’s crucial that he understand the gravity of what I’m saying. I went on to say, “It is ridiculous how this is a news story because a tennis player has a wife that looks good naked. Don’t people get how sick this is? What kind of message are we sending our kids? Don’t Brookyn and Andy even GET that the only reason he married her is because she looks good on his arm and she only gave HIM the time of day because he is famous and really, really rich. What kind of crummy relationship is based on superficial features like that? I mean, don’t you think those two people are miserable?…Well, don’t you?…” I heard the shower turn on. Then I realized my Emotional Guidance System coached folly. Oops. …Oh, dear.
How to Treat Yourself
Jul 21st
Hang on…Hang on. Don’t get your hopes up. Do you think Iwant to teach myself right out a career?
“How to Treat Yourself” is about…okay…how you treat yourself. We spend a lot of time and energy struggling to get other people treat us well. With limited success, I might add. Other people are so resistent to training. “Here…here’s your script, dear. When I say this….you say….and never say….Also, you are required to compliment me…and never mention that little, okay, moderate less-than-perfect feature…never, ever and I can tell by your expression you’re thinking about it.”
Not only are other people difficult to train, they often are distracted attending to their own lives….Speaking of annoying habits.
Thus, “How to Treat Yourself” is a self-employment opportunity.
The Show Horse Philosophy. A friend and I followed had a lead on a horse prospect, a small bay with three white socks. Outside of the socks, the horse had little to catch the eye or, in my case, hopes for a big future. We located the scrawny fellow in a field outside of town, trailered him into the show barn, and walked his dusty, a undersized body into the stable. Disappointed with our find, I leaned against the wall, waiting for a next move. Not my friend. To my wonder, she immediately located her grooming tools and set to work on Three Socks. She cross-tied the prospect, brushed out the dust and loose hair, oiled his hooves, trimmed his ears, then stood back to survey Three Socks.
From where I loitered I asked: “Why did you go to all that trouble?”
She said: “I’m not letting him go without a chance. What I”ve learned is, treat a horse like a show horse and he acts like a showhorse.”
Did Three Socks end up Hunter Champion of the State? Did he go on to prove his doubters wrong? (Theme from Rocky here.) No, he didn’t.
Here is the great beauty of the Thinking Guidance System over the Emotional Guidance System. My friend wasn’t going for future trophies. While my Emotional System was asking, “Why go to all this trouble and still be a loser?”
Her Thinking Guidance System used facts. Not “potential happenings” from some mystical future where, apparently, we all expect… if we can make the right decisions..we will be transformed by having more money, a better job, recognition…winning the lottery…whatever we are holding on to that’s going to happen so that we will be happier… My friend operated with the fact that “Every minute you are alive…you can make it great…have fun with it….If you make it great….no way to be a loser. Or, you can stand on the sidelines (with me) criticizing and thinking of a future which may or may not happen.”
Would You Choose Worry? If You Had to Worry Twice?
Jul 17th
What if Eagleman’s first possibility for the afterlife (Sum) is what happens? What if, after you depart this life, what happens is that you are required to live your life over exactly as you did the first time…except now, instead of living experiences in sequential fashion…you have experience events in lumps…thirty years sleeping, fourteen having breakfast…so many arguing… (See “Choosing Life…”)
Four solid years of being lost would be tiring…. But imagine if you had to re-experience every moment you ever spent worrying…if you were required to go through every worry again… in one long, tedious, hand-twisting lump? Yikes.
Worrying is the handiwork of the Emotional Guidance System since our Thinking Guidance System deals with facts, not “What ifs.”
The Emotional Guidance System burns anxiety for fuel to create more anxiety. The Emotional Guidance System pokes us with, “What if you are wrong?”
The Thinking Guidance System looks at that question and the facts. The Thinking Guidance System says: “You are probably are wrong a lot. It’s not that big a deal.”
The Emotional Guidance System says: “If you are wrong…Terrible things will happen! Being wrong is horrible, embarrassing, and you won’t be able to stand it!”
The Emotional Guidance System applies the same formula of fear-generating anxiety with: “What if you are late?” “What if you are early?” “What if you don’t get the promotion?” “What if you have cancer?” “What if she gets mad?” “What if my kid has problems?”
The little big-mouthed fear-monger sitting on your shoulder, shouting in your ear is specifically tuned to scare you about the possibilites most meaningful to you. Here’s the challenge. Each time today when your little “What if” Inner Torturer takes hold and starts going on and on exaggerating consequences….Think about Eagleman’s afterlife idea. Play with this notion:
If you knew you were going to have to meticulously repeat every second of every day you spent worrying….would you still CHOOSE to worry today?
How Much Are You Making UP? The Knock-Knock Incident
Jul 14th
Dateline: Dallas Hilton Branch Office. Giant flat-screen television. Antique remote. The Sleep Timer can be set by using manual controls. Whew. It’s not easy being a walking Emotional Guidance System patsy.
Which is more important? The world of facts? Or, the world you are responding to?”
How much of what you are talking so assuredly about….is just made up? Our Thinking Guidance System would have us get the facts…before we act…but who has time for that?
So we respond to people AS IF they are the people, the characters, we’ve made up. If we expect them to be kind, we’ll get that. If we believe he or she is a CONTROL FREAK will we encounter a lot of pushy interfering behavior.
The “Knock Knock Incident”
The scene is the waiting area for those of us needing to have lab work done at a large medical facility. About thirty of us wait, people coming in and out in this busy area. There is a unisex bathroom off to the side which is quite popular. As the lab is near the hospital exit, some people notice the bathroom on leaving and opt to take advantage. The people come, they leave their blood, the people go.
One fella decides on the bathroom option on his way out of the hospital and asks his wife to wait. She has a seat and picks up a magazine. The man closes the door. Another man soon spots the bathroom on his way out and tries the door, which is locked, of course. He shrugs and goes on with his day. Then a women enters the waiting area on her way to other parts of the hospital. She spies the bathroom, gives the door handle an unsuccessful pull, and moves on. A few minutes later a young woman in a T-shirt and shorts crosses the room and tries the door.
At the moment she twists the lever, the man inside happens to open the door. He sneers at the lass and says, “What’s wrong with you? Are you stupid?”
She stares blankly. He says, “You must be stupid to have to try the door three times to figure out it was occupied!” Girl looks stunned. “Abused” man and wife walk out talking about how kids today have been ruined by cell phones and texting.
Choosing Life…
Jul 12th
What if . . . when you die . . . there is an afterlife and that afterlife is this: You live your same life over…exactly…
Except, instead of living events sequentially….have insomnia, shut off the alarm, get up, go to the kitchen, take out an apple because today’s the day you change how you eat, grab a piece of cold pizza because you just don’t have the energy to deprive yourself today, kiss your spouse, stub your toe on the dog dish, back out of the drive way hitting the garbage can, hit the steering wheel, look down and see that you’re late already….
However….in this afterlife….you live the same life…but each separate activity, no matter how brief.. .is lumped together. Yep. In this afterlife, you are talking yourself into climbing out of bed for two years, stubbing your toe for a week, you’re making dentist appointments for six hours, eating birthday cake for two hours, trying to decide whether you should give low-carbohydrate eating another try for a year….four months you spend driving around lost….two months saying you are not lost….six years worrying about thing that didn’t happen….a year with a cold….
And so it goes. This notion is not my idea but comes from Sum by Dr. David Eagleman in whose audience I was privileged to be a couple of weeks ago. Dr. Eagleman, a neuroscientist and Head of the Neuroscience Lab at Baylor Medicine, started his book as a way of considering afterlife possibilities but ended up with a wonderful set of forty possibilities that have the effect of directing his readers–not so much to think about afterlife–but about life.
Take a minute. What if you knew that your afterlife would be everything over in lumps? Would you choose your life moments more carefully?
Would you learn to say “No” to the painful, time-robbing, ineffective strategies of your Emotional Guidance System?
The “what ifs”…” the self torture… the bad decisions serving no purpose except to shake off anxiety?
I don’t have the big answers yet. But I picked up a few hints from “Lockup/Raw” in the wee hours this morning. For now, it’s enough to say I left Dr. Eagleman’s lecture a bit thoughtful. I went by Eatzi’s (incredible gormet take-out) which is my habit while bunked in my Hilton Branch Headquarters. As I did every night, I headed straight for the cocktail shrimp. Now the word cocktail is a bit miss leading. These babies go for $39.99 a pound and a half-pound is four to five. I study the size of the shrimp….should I have four…which should be enough…or five…sheesh….what if that’s more than $20 bucks? For a few shrimp?… Then I rememberd the possible afterlife….and ordered five.
I didn’t want to spend another second than I already had in the bank under “time spent trying to decide between four or five shrimp.”
If You Don’t Like the Peaches, Pass On By the Tree
Jul 9th
I’m going to let this phrase and picture tell the story…. Along w ith the next entries…How do you want to spend your time and energy?
Psychologists Can See Inside People’s Heads
Jul 7th
Years of training and experience enables those of us who study the mind to read people better and faster than those without such training. Proof, you ask? Why just the other day I’m aboard my private executive cubby, Seat 21F American Airlines, on a long ride from Seattle.
Previously, I have mentioned that my “employees” serving my executive cubby capsule have tapped right into my Emotional Guidance System (Notice, I, do not dip into my trouble-stirring my Emotional Guidance System—THEY do it. They reach right inside of my head and give the ole Emotional Guidance System a twist.)… by running out of peanuts before reaching my seat, not to mention other obviously intentional slights involving timing of treats and lack of special treatment.
I was hideously betrayed on this particular four and a half hour flight by a flight attendent who should know how fragile I am and yet, did not consider my needs for special treatment. The doors were about to close. I’m breathing a sigh of relief because the middle seat is empty. I consider this treat extremely important. In fact, when the seat is empty my sense of specialness gets a sick little boost. Then… they let on a stand-by passenger…the relieved soul staggers down the aisle…clearly so happy to be on board he’s willing to take any seat… Then…this is where I am dastardly betrayed….
The flight attendant, who should be thinking of nothing by my comfort, actually says, “There’s a middle by here on the exit row 21, sir.”
I know. I, too, was horrified. What’s wrong with these people? I force a smile as I remove my computer, three books, mini-computer, pizza in a bag, and miscellaneous equipment from the middle seat. The inconsiderate passenger plops right in, no apology…nothing. My Emotional System, that part of my brain designed to get rid of anxiety, launches a rather steamy inner dialogue: “Why did she have to say that? Now I won’t be as comfortable, won’t be able to get as much accomplished. What a waste. I can’t believe this. This shouldn’t be happening.”
But I was able to call on my Thinking Guidance System and lay out the facts. I could still work. The extra room would have been nice, but just possibly the flight attendent’s suggestion had been an innocent attempt to be helpful. I was cool. AND THEN….came the discovery that the middle man brought with him the unmistakable fragrance of a young man who’d skipped his shower for several days. Did I mention this was a long flight? Remarkably, I answered my Emotional Guidance System, which was exaggerating the situation, with facts. Primarily the fact that we humans habituate to smells quickly.
My orientation toward Middle Seat Guy mellowed further noticing his rather splotchy haircut and that he spent his time carefully and slowly reading the “Sky Mall” catalog. He read it three times and I became aware that he was studying the pictures and not reading. In fact, his movements, his haircut, and even his odor made me aware that the man was mentally challenged. I recalled the blank, rather desperate look on his face as he came on the plane at the last minute. I understood why the flight attendant had made a special effort to find him a seat. I forgave her. Middle Seat Man then took out the safety card and studied the drawings. Then he dropped his head and looked around for something else with pictures. I felt badly for him and thought about giving him one of the two mysteries from the seat pocket in front of me, but I didn’t want to embarrass him into admitting the texts were more than he could read. So I held back to save his pride.
Halfway through the flight Middle Seat Guy retrieved something from his luggage in the overhead bin. He returned to his seat, flipped open his computer, and worked on electrical engineering plans for the rest of the flight.
Antidepressants Good, Not Magic, A Tribute, Pt.2
Jul 6th
The woman who ended her life in a stand-off with police, (Antidepressants, the Truth, and a Tribute, Pt.1) wouldn’t have seen herself as worthy of a tribute. But if she could have one, she would have wanted something that could help other people.
After she thanked everyone who tried to help her.
No one chooses to be depressed. Just like everyone I’ve even seen with depression, she tried very, very hard for days and weeks and then years. Does anyone really think that a depressed person would say “No!” if offered a pill that would help?
I make this tribute to the woman who tried hard, but lost, as she would have wanted it. That is, by honoring everyone of you who has, as she did, courageously taken medication in the face of exhausting and debilitating side effects. Antidepressants aren’t magic and every one of them has side effects. Few people can find the not-perfect, but best fit between side effects and positive results –with the first perscription. The woman who finally gave up, bravely took one medication after another, always hopeful that one day she would see in a sunset the awe-inspiring beauty typical people take for granted.
And there’s how depression turns other people off. Here was a woman who knew that when friends or relatives or even her doctors saw her coming, they felt dread. She knew she’d gone from being a blessing to being a burden. She took more medication hopeful that one day her friends and relatives would see her coming and feel some of the old welcome. She put up with the muscles twitches, the overpowering fatigue, the sleepless nights, the confusion…hoping that one day she’d approach others and see towards her… the kind of easiness her friends and relatives experienced around everyone…it seemed to her…everyone but her.
“What has happened to me?” She’d ask. “I’m not who I used to be and I can’t find her anymore.”
Taking medication is hard. I have the greatest respect for each person willing to take antidepressents. Depression and Bipolar Disorder are biological realities that if we are lucky enough to not have in our genes, we should kiss the ground and never forget how blessed we are. Imagine, feeling blessed because a smile bubbles up when you watch a puppy at play. Kiss the ground. We did not do anything to deserve this automatic response, this easy access to joy. Neither does a depressed person do anything to lose that easy access to joy.
Antidepressants are good medicine. The medications we have available now are a hundred times more patient friendly and side effect free when compared to what was available when I first worked at a hospital. I am most definitely not suggesting the use of medications contributed to suicide. I’m saying that psychotropic medications are limited; medication isn’t the cure most people think. Less than one-third of people taking anti-depressants get an “adequate” response, one third experience a little positive change and life-dampening side effects, and one-third have more symptoms than they did without medications.
To each and every one of you who has braved medication, who has struggled to feel the joy most people take for granted–hats off.
Antidepressants, the Truth, and a Tribute, Pt.1
Jul 2nd
First, a Tribute
It’s been a year now.
Last summer a woman I met years ago when she was a new teacher full of ideas, ended her own life. She shot herself after a three hour stand-off with police. I mention the circumstances because it’s important for people to know this woman withstood many a hideous battle all by herself, including her last strugge. A couple of years ago, she won her battles less often. As she won less, she fought harder and harder, and with each loss she was more alone. Doctors tried, but nothing worked and after a while of feeling helpless, professionals sometimes blamed her for her lack of success. I don’t blame them and neither did she. She knew she was tough to be around.
Even on her last morning, she wanted to find some other way.
She was teacher of the year not that long ago. She had lots of friends, a church family, and buddies who enjoyed hiking and kayaking and campfires with her. Emotional disorders sometimes come on fast…a manic episode…then the plummet to depression…the boat never quite in sync with the tide again.
What about medication, you ask? What about therapy? Why didn’t she try to get better?
She did. Just like everyone I’ve even seen with depression she tried very, very hard for days and weeks and then years. Does anyone really think that a depressed person would say “No!” if offered a way out?
A person was trying to tell me about her depression once. After the hour, we stepped outside. The conference was being held in a beautiful city surrounded by mountains. I breathed in the crisp air at dusk and said, “What a great city, what a gorgeous sunset.”
She said, “That’s what I’m trying to tell you. I don’t see a gorgeous sunset…ever.”
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