You Can Change Self Defeating Habits

On the notion of finding (even welcoming) an opportunity to break the habit of  ‘push-pull’ power struggles over who is ‘right”… I can report two successes today, one mine and one my spouse’s.  And neither was easy.

Remember, acting out the need to be right is the body’s automatic self-defense (the Emotional Guidance System), the automatic action to rid ourselves of the anxiety that comes with not being seen as ‘right’.

The first occurred when a song came on the radio and my spouse said, “Who wrote that song, do you know?”

Sounds innocent, right?  Never.  If a person asks you a question like that, isn’t he obligated to accept my answer?… Well, apparently not. 

I said, “Hank Williams.”… He said, “No, I think it was Lefty Frizzell.”  (Okay, hold back on the disbelief and laughter on the age and music of reference.)  I say, “That’s not even possible because Hank Williams sang that song and he was dead before Lefty Frizzell started singing.” (I’m pretty smug at this point. And, by the way, I am RIGHT.)  He says, “No, I’m pretty sure you’re wrong on this one.”  (I know!  He’s the one who asked me!)… Now comes the big moment.  I felt the rise and fall of my chest, exasperated with the lack of cooperation of my listener….and then… I actually thought:  Hey, this is my chance!  Then I said, “I do think it was Hank Williams, but could be I’m not right on that.”

Yea!

A few minutes later, I was backing out of a tricky spot when my spouse said, “Come on back, you’re clear on this side.”  I said, “I don’t feel comfortable when I can’t see where I am.”  I pulled forward and repositioned.  “I’m telling you, you have plenty of room.  Why don’t you just trust me?” he asked.  I said, “It’s not that I don’t trust you, I’m just paranoid about this and I’d rather take it slow.  I know I probably overdo it, but that’s the way I’m comfortable.”  He says, “I don’t get you… (pause)… Then he said, “There’s no reason you have to back up my way.  I’m sorry.  I should just let you drive when you’re driving.”  He said this.  He really did. 

Doesn’t matter that I’m talking about two psychologists with years of training and experience.  This stuff is hard.