Pick How You Want the Other to Be…You’ll Be Right
And… if you believe something to be true about a person…you will ’see’ it…you will prove that what you believe about him or her is true. You will look for what you believe…what you fear…and you will find it.
The “Mean Farmers are Everywhere! Incident”
A man was out for an evening country drive when he had a flat tire. On opening his trunk he discovered he had no jack to raise the car. He’d seen no traffic, thus spotting the lights of a farmhouse in the distance, he struck out to ask for help. After walking for a few minutes, the man started wondering about the people in the farmhouse. What if they got mad at having their evening interrupted? Maybe they were having supper and would feel like they had to interupt the pleasant meal just because a stranger was so careless he didn’t have a jack in his car? What if they insisted he join them in supper? He didn’t have time for supper, now they’d think he was rude. What if they have a jack, but it’s out in the barn and they expect him to find it own his own? What kind of people wouldn’t help a guy who just needed a jack? Yes, but what kind of people would invite a stranger into their house? What kind of person would expect him to find a jack in a barn? It was pretty late. They weren’t going to trust him to return the jack, that was for sure. They’d say, “You didn’t have the sense to make sure you had your own jack. What kind of person is that foolish?”
About this time, the man reached the door of the farmhouse and knocked. When the farmer answered, the man said, “Fine! Just keep your damn jack!”
Other “Keep Your Damn Jack!” scenarios when the EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM … (FEAR AND ANXIETY) is running the show:
The wife waits at the airport for her husband who is late picking her up. While she waits, she rehearses worst case possibilities based on her fears. ”Well, thanks a lot,” she says, climbing in when he arrives, “I can see how important I am to you!” (This before knowing why he was late.) … Alternate (Just a suggestion, this is hard) “Hi, sweetie. Don’t worry about being late. I’m sure you had a good reason.” (Lose interest in whether or not you are right. That’s a dead end. We’re just going for what works… the facts about what works….by way of the THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEM.)
A husband comes through the door with a dozen roses. His wife is on the phone with her sister. She smiles and shows excitement, but stays on the phone for another twenty minutes, then says, “These are gorgeous. Thank-you!” The husband shrugs and says, “Thank you doesn’t mean much to me now.” …Alternate, (see above re: thinking running the show)… “I had to wait, honey, but you’re always worth it!”
What happens next after first responses? After alternative responses? Which outcome do you want?
If you believe you are not lovable, no one….absolutely no one…can convince you otherwise. If you believe you are not lovable…you will not recognize love.
Deciding to live “as if” you are lovable or “as if” you are not lovable… is something like deciding to live believing in an afterlife. You have to go one way or the other. There is no middle.
