A Psycholgist on the Loose
Archive for December, 2008
The String Bikini Incident
Dec 30th
Motto for 2009: “You know, I’ve been thinking. I’ve decided I would look GREAT in a string bikini!”
Yep. The very thought is beyond ridiculous if I’m talking about what someone else would think. I’m not sure I could talk a salesperson into letting me try on, 
much less purchase a string bikini. I chose the string bikini statement because someone who loves me very much just the way I am said that once spying a string bikini on a store manikin. He couldn’t have been more wrong. And I’m not being coy. I would look ridiculous in a string bikini, then and even more now. But not according to him.
The only way we’re going to get our lives back is by producing our own feedback channels run by that part of ourselves that’s like that guy who said I’d look great in a string bikini.. You can go to FOX News for the conservative take, NBC for a more liberal take. And to your own channel for the best take for you. This is the channel run by that director who is absolutely CRAZY about you. We are not tuning into the channel manned by others. 
Alert!! CRAZY and unwise are not the same. Remember best thinking over emotionally based decisions is what we’re going for. The reason no comments have been shown on this site is that I haven’t sorted through the thousands and thousands of spams. I’m trying to catch up now and must say—Buying more exercise machines, male organ size enhancements, and God forbid, those all-in-one girdles–is not the kind of CRAZY that goes into having a better life. It’s the kind of crazy that keeps everything the same except you have less money.
The crazy we’re going for is the kind that gets you to submit that short story, write that novel, paint that picture, run that race, because if you’re not crazy confident you’ll talk yourself out of it. Crazy confidence is not about buying easy-sounding solutions. It’s about DOING something that changes your life. I know, kind of confusing. Manana.
WHY IS SOMEONE ELSE’S WAY OF SEEING YOU MORE REAL THAN THE WAY YOU CHOOSE TO SEE YOURSELF?
It’s not like their opinion is right. It’s JUST THEIR OPINION.
This year we are going to LAUGH, LAUGH, LAUGH. And anytime anyone doubts us, most particularly ourselves, we are going to have this sentence pop out of our mouths: “You know, I’ve been thinking about it and I just realized I would look great in a string bikini.”
And when others scoff, pass out or threaten to have us picked up by the men in the white jackets, we’ll ask, “Which is more important? The world I can touch? Or the world to which I AM RESPONDING?” To which others will say, “You’re crazy.” And you’ll say, “Great. 
It’s working.”
**The unbelievable optimism from the federal highway department: On the endless nothingness of IH 8 between Yuma, Arizona and El Centro, California, along the shoulder are signs saying, “No parking except in case of emergency.” Now there’s optimism. Someone’s going to park there for a picnic?
New Year’s Resolutions
Dec 20th
“The BowFlex has given me more than new strength, it’s given me a new LIFE. Nutrisystem has given me more than a new body, it’s given me a new LIFE. This xx allery medication has given me more than clear breath, it’s given me LIFE.”
Oh, if only we could really experience a better life by obtaining something, eating programed food, or taking a pill. 
We can’t. Think about it. If it really worked, WOULD EVERY SINGLE, NOT MISSING ONE, ALL so-called women’s magazines HAVE A NEW DIET ON THE COVER EVERY MONTH?
These “articles” and info-mercials are dead ends. I do admit their allure. It’s even worse in other countries where their is no attempt to even flash the unreadable disclaimers across the bottom of the screen. In Mexico you can buy a jar of fat-sucking gel. 
This way you can choose the places where you want the fat to come off (One jar per household, please.) You can order a box of patches (just pay shipping and handling) which you can place on the area you want to reduce “and have the NEWLY DISCOVERED SECRET work through the night.”
Buying something, even temporarily changing your body, does not work. Maybe you get a short spurt of false esteem but that’s it.
There is a way though. We can work toward CHANGING the way we RESPOND. We can, with very hard work, CHANGE our AUTOMATIC ways of THINKING to take better care of ourselves. 
Your brain is in your body. No one else can take care of your FEELINGS. No one else can change your THOUGHTS.
So, here’s the job for 2009. I’ve always been intrigued about the phenomenon that when a son or daughter has been absolutely proven to have committed brutal murder, the parents still believe their child is innocent. The theories for who did the crime are bizarre. And what about that husband in North Texas who, after his wife was shown to be the only person who could have (and did) stab their two sons to death–still claims his wife as a maligned angel?
I know, weird way to get to the point. But 2009 is when we work toward having a friend life that in our corner. Ourselves.
No, we’re not going to murder anyone. We’re actually going to be a lot nicer. 
Taking care of you is the kindest thing you can do for those around you. You can’t be loving when you’re angry at you. You can’t reach your dreams if you’re not backing yourself with wild commitment.
2009, I’m ready. 
ARE YOU?
The Crouton Lady Incident
Dec 14th
Yesterday, as I walked up to the fancy “to go” window at Mimi’s Restaurant to buy a gift certificate, I noticed flying food. The lady ahead of me, on receiving her to go salad with a clear plastic top, was screaming, “I said NO croutons!” She picked off each one (and it was big salad) and threw it into the air. The little chucks of toast landed in a scatter pattern around her.
I mention the Crouton Lady not to point out how “unevolved” she is next to me, but to say, I can go from cool to food-tossing just as easily. I’m bringing this up because i still carry some guilt for last week’s “Let’s all just be happy” post. How flip. How easy it sounded. 
Just smile already. Someday I may confess my “contract negotiations” on the phone last night with T-Mobile. Let’s just say for now, during the “conversation” my husband came downstairs because he thought someone must have broken into the house. And before I hung up, I told the young lady she deserved a gold star and T-Mobile should use the recorded conversation as a training exercise. That girl was cool in the line of fire 
and made the sale.
We are all working on taking more charge of our lives, working on having less of our lives determined by shear, raging emotions. But it’s hard. And we can’t always be successful. I think of my efforts in terms of the migration of the wildebeests.
You’ve seen them on Discovery or National Geographic. There they are thousands, all running full out (I don’t know why they have to migrate at full speed ahead?). Dust is everywhere, their eyes are wild. Then comes the voice-over of the narrator:
“If you look carefully in that clump of trees off to the side, you’ll catch a glimpse of the lions lying in wait for their prey. A wildebeest is a good meal. The lions choose the stragglers, the weak, the slow, the old, the sick wildebeests on the outside edges of the herd. The easy take-downs.” 
What I’m going for as far as being able to manage my emotions, to not let my feelings, primarily my desire to avoid anxiety, run my life–I just want to work my way a bit into the herd. I don’t need to lead the pack, I just want to be a tad less vulnerable to my “lions in wait.” 
I’m Absolutely Sure this is Right; Or NOT
Dec 11th
That woman who was all platitudes and blind optimism from yesterday? I can’t stand that chick. She just pops out now and then all Holier-than-Thou making all sorts of weak-kneed suggestions. 
And then . . . The first publisher edit comes back on “TOO RICH AND TOO THIN, Not an autobiography.”
The suggestion was made . . . that the manuscript wasn’t already perfect. 
That maybe I had a ways to go before my precious words hit the big press. No, that’s not the truth. The truth is much too disturbing to reveal here. Yikes. I took that all-smiley-look-at-me-I’m-so-mature-psychologist from yesterday and bounced her off a few walls. 
“I can’t write. Who did I think I was? I’m such an obvious sham. This whole writing gig was a big mistake! The pretty man in the director’s chair sitting in front of the ocean on the info-mercial on at three this morning is right. Buying cheap real estate is the road to happiness. Or maybe that “bullet” thing that turns a ten sack bag of potatoes into soup in one minute?
Nothing but Nancy Grace and pizza last night.
But the ONE SURE THING we know about EMOTIONS, is that they CHANGE.
Today, I’ll all back into building that world . . . 
in which the only losers are the people who don’t try. And try. And try.
Just Stop with the Negativity
Dec 9th
“What’s more important in determining our life?”
“The world of facts, the world we can touch? Or the world as WE HAVE DISTORTED it? The dangerous, and maybe even mean world, we are responding to in our head?”
Each of us has a chance to grow whatever parts of our world we want to grow. By paying attention to a piece of our experience, that piece takes up more and more space. Whatever we waters, grows.
I’m sitting in a restaurant booth, my roving office, and, as usual, the space behind me is filled, emptied, and refilled with more normal customers.
At least, I guess it’s normal to talk and talk and talk about what’s wrong with the world, what’s wrong with all the people in our world. But then, what am I doing here? Being negative about other people being negative. 
Recognizing the negative: 
“Why would anyone . . .? I can’t stand . . . What kind of an idiot votes for . . . Don’t they know how stupid . . . What’s wrong with someone who’d . . . 
I hate it when . . . I can’t believe anyone’s that . . . Jerk . . . Stupid . . .
I’m watering some positive today. Growing some grins. 
I’m going to be ridiculous. I’m turning laughing cartwheels (and I mean this in the most metaphorical way).
Compassion
Dec 7th
First, thanks all of guys for your good words on the news that Murray’s now “traveling” as they say in Jamaica. What kind of self-esteem must that boy have had. Everyone who met him loved him.
I’ve been thinking some about that. Murray wasn’t the brightest or most playful. He wasn’t the first to meet me at the door. So what was it? Murray was kind. 
Always kind. He let anyone who wanted a pat or even a squeeze to take their turn. If someone in my office cried or even shouted, he’d hop up (back when he could hear) and move over close to them. He forgave all human emotions without pushing himself on you.
I’ve been thinking about the Holidays and all the anxious pleasing we do in our “togetherness.” What if we could be the gift of providing for others a “non-anxious” presence?
Notice the word “presence.” We do not provide the gift of “non-anxious” caring when we are not fully in the presence of others.
What does a non-anxious presence look like?
A man sits down with a friend and 
asks what he thinks about the football rankings. We women like to make fun of this scene. But what we have is one man saying to another. “Hi. I’m ‘in here’ for you. Are you ‘in there’ for me?”
Your spouse (a friend, family member, co-worker) comes in complaining. You ask them TWO questions about what’s bothering them. You resist giving your opionion of what she should do or what you are just “so sure” you would do in her shoes. 
Oh, and to be with yourself with passion, compassion, dump your scales (no one needs that kind of detail) and if you find yourself in one of those hotels with three-way mirrors in the bathroom, well closing your eyes, is not only your option, it’s the thoughtful choice. The way your clothes fit is the only guide you need.
At the gym, the slip of a girl at the front desk is always inviting members up for a free body fat percentage study. What is she nuts? 
How You Say It Matters
Dec 6th
Ever since the first hideous air dryer was planted in a public restroom with a label informing me that the semi-useless contraption was put there FOR MY CONVENIENCE, I’ve gotten a kick out of “spin” signs. 
I mention thatis because I had a topic for today but have come down with something–Oh, wait, that’s not what’s going on. That would suggest something’s wrong. I notice at the gym, machines that are broken are given a sign saying, “This machine is currently being serviced.”
There’s no one around doing the serivicing. I liked that spin. I am currently being serviced. Uh-oh, out at the stable, that has a whole different meaning. 
Later.
Why God Gave Us Little Creatures
Dec 1st
“It was two in the morning by the time I opened the carved double front doors of the Mt. Laurel house. I eased down on the entrance tiles, and luxuriated in kissy-face routines with Shrinker, our ancient lady Shih Tzu, and Murray, our rescued street dog who could pass for Shrinker’s brother, if his hair fell evenly instead of spraying out from his face in all directions. The babes flung their fluffy selves over my body and face like I’d created the world, a delusion I appreciated after the slugs my confidence had taken in the last twenty-four hours. The three of us snuffled our welcome yips so not to disturb David.”
Please forgive the quote from “THE PHARMACY OF GOD.”
Today we lost Murray, my street buddy. I am reminded that every time we open our hearts–and we must–we accept the inevitable loss. I believe the dogs and cats we take into our hearts knowing we will also let them go, are here to remind us life is precious. 
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